The Kingdom of Balwyniti is entirely composed of Pine forest, with a narrow path entering from the outside world. The palace is constructed in a small clearing roughly in the centre of this forest, and is of decidedly....odd design. THE KINGDOM IS ENTIRELY MYTHICAL AND MAGICAL; IT IS NOT CONNECTED TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD IN ANY BUT THE WAYS DESCRIBED BELOW, AND THOUGH IT IS CONNECTED TO H2G2, IT IS NOT A SUBSTRATUM WORLD WITHIN IT. THIS MEANS THAT TITLES ACQUIRED ELSEWHERE ON H2G2 DO NOT APPLY HERE, EXCEPTING FOR AMBASSADORS AND THE LIKE.

To the right of the main entrance is an ice-cream stand, and a portcullis of sharpened shovels guards the front gates. As you enter through the front gates, directly in front is a sweeping spiral staircase that swirls up.....and swirls straight back down again. To the right, several small passages head....somewhere. In the far right hand corner the hall opens out into a gigantic bakery, whilst in the far left hand corner a smaller set of stairs heads downwards and out of sight. To the left is a miniature golf course, through which it is necessary to go to head downstairs (the stairs leading down eventually go upstairs).

Mini golf is played with shovels, used to hit hamsters into the mouths of waiting crocodiles. The hamsters can be live or synthetic, depending on personal preference. An elaborate bridge winds over the course so that those wishing to go downstairs don't have to dodge crocodiles to do so. The bridge curves up into a loop and swirls down again just out of reach of the crocodiles, emerging on the other side by the stairs that lead down. For safety reasons anyone walking over the bridge must attach themselves to the safety railing.

On the other side, stairs lead down, branching right (to the dungeons) and left (to a great hall). Through the hall are two archways. The one on the right leads back up to the back of the bakery, via an escalator....of sorts. A deluge of orange juice pours down the escalator as it begins it's journey up. It corkscrews up out of the orange juice, then back down into it again. As the orange juice peters out, the escalator takes a suddern detour to the left. The escalator suddenly plunges vertically down 30 metres, then loops back up again, subjecting travellers to more negative g's than a normal human body could stand. Suddenly it is coasting slowly up at a steady angle again, with a light drizzle of doughnuts passing as it nears the bakery.

Worker elves handle all of the menial tasks in the Kingdom, and generally operate so efficiently as to be unnoticed. If any member of the kingdom requires their services, they are always at their beck and call, and will attend to any needs. The bakery dispenses all manner of breads and pastries, all of which are living to ensure optimal freshness. The breads and pastries have been specifically engineered to want to be eaten, so much so that they get hugely depressed if they're allowed to go stale. The ice-cream stand dispenses all manner of goodies, so long as they are sweet, the ice-cream stand has them. There are no drugs of any kind in the Kingdom, including cigarettes or alcohol.

So concludes the tour....for now, though there remain many an unexplored passage, many of which go nowhere in particular at all... or so it would seem. There also exists a path which leads to the Realm of The Knights of h2g2. Feel free to join in any forum at the bottom of the page, specifying what you would like to be - Royal, noble or subject, or start your own forum dealing with a specific part of the Kingdom...

Gala Opening of Balwyniti Park

One and all, you are cordially invited to the opening of Balwyniti Park, home of the Old Balwynians Football Club.

Royalty

The King

princess broelan She's new at this royalty business, but we don't mind...
Princess Shea A junior crusty old broad with a rapier wit...
Prince TJ The Kingdoms first Prince by marriage, still a lackey at heart...
Prince ER Now, the Kingdoms first Prince by adoption, proving that it's not what you know, it's who you know...

Nobility

Note: Precedence and the like, though not taken terribly seriously in Balwyniti, is based on the British model as described here.

Lady Anne of the Gables Green anne girl, a lady of the realm
Lord Livzy the mischeivious As might well sum up the entire kingdom...
Sir Ottox of Linx & Lurking Ottox, the reticent Knight...
Lady Elly of the Frozen Swamps, Guardian of the Ice Cream Stand That about says it all, really...
Earl Heavy for the Moment Uncle Heavy, currently searching for his lands...
Countess Trin Canicoces The Improbable The Kingdoms first Countess, accompanied by her Dame de Companie...
Lady High Admiral Caper Plip, commanding the Kingdoms vast array of floating things.
Sir TB of Cunninglinguist A Knight of Court, engaged in a perpetual burping contest with the Court Jester.
Dowager Duchess Also Ran 1, the Kingdoms first Duchess.
Countess of the and Clover Fields Lady Scott, building her 40 room mansion upstream of the River Lodge.
Lady Knightess Crocodilka, and why not?
Poetess Laureate Lily - how could a post so important not be considered nobility?

Loyalazy Subjects

Royal Butler Thruthelthrolth, alter ego of Goshoogoshoogosh.
Royal Ranger The Greenman, tender of the pine forest and protector of all nature in the Kingdom.
Doctor of Dementia Zonker, he who tends to all the concerns of Balwynitians.
Royal Reptile Keeper Ox, keeper of the crocodiles, and any other reptile that may come into view...
Royal Mage Big 'Evil' Dan, caster of spells and brewer of potions in his laboratory....all for the good of the kingdom, of course.
Royal hamster caretaker Dragonfly, Keeper of the hamsters.
Court advisor barblefish-philological piscean....no-one has actually found out what the court needs advising on, but we'll get back to you...
Royal Melways Cafram, finder of all things thought lost.
Court Devil mathnerd...not an enitrely evil devil, but one to keep an eye on, just the same...
The Fearsome Phantom Sad, mad or bad...if you hear chains clanking in the dungeon, you know the fearsome phantom is about...
Mister Seymour Has a large mansion between the gables green and the river lodge...
Court Jester Happy Dude...well, it makes sandwhiches, doesn't it?
Tender of the Royal Ear Inanna, the court audiologist, keeping a close check on how loud the Fearsome Phantom rattles her chains...
Royal Lurker Inkwash, defender of the most noble of activities...
Court Dictionary Writer Mike, rely on his spelling at your own peril...
Royal Baker Sergeant Mushroom, madly baking away in the Kingdoms huge bakery.
Royal writer and Moon Goddess Naia, a moon goddess just come to the kingdom to get away from those pesky worshipers...
Royal Alchemist Dastardly, trying very hard to make gold...
Head Hamster hammythamster, honouring past pets...
Keeper of Oliphaunts Muppet, looking after any pachyderms that may happen by...
Royal Football Team Manager Mickey Thomas' Right Foot, diligently training the Balwyniti Football team...
Director of the Royal Academy for Knights Jon Quixote, whipping errant would-be knights into shape...
Thingite Ambassador Abomeo, official ambassador to the Thingite Revolution...
Royal Invader Evil One, Invading anything and everything that might be available...
Royal Purveyor of Torture madmaz, but only if you ask really nicely...
Royal Short-Arse Ming Mang, showing what hapens when you let subjects choose their own titles...
Royal Fish Keeper E G Mel, caring for the most venerated fishes in all the Kingdoms waterways.
Royal Brochwart Burmston, Keeper of that most noble of the Kingdoms species, the Badger.
Royal Pail Keeper 2Legs, Keeper of all forms of pails, buckets, and assorted containers.
Ambassador to Olympus Apollo... who better to maintain relations between Gods? Visit the oracle.
Royal Fish Hugo the Fish... well, we have a Royal Fish Keeper, it only makes sandwhiches that we have a Royal Fish...
Ambassador to ecalpemos pheloxi*, providing diplomatic links to the continent of ecalpemos.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the court, I introduce the 42nd subject in the Kingdom of Balwyniti