h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*the scene - a snug ante room upstair in the Club House. A convivial and comfortable place with several very comfy chairs and it's own bar. Pictures of notable Chaps Club members and past presidents adorn the walls*

*the membership committee lounge around in chairs preparing interesting and challenging questions for candidates*

My nose looks a bit large in that painting. *harrumph*

Slides into a large leather fauteuil.

Bally artist must have had his nose in the old drink cab, what. It is a fair likeness though - if you ignore the proboscis that is. I especially like the way he captured that "sniffing an exquisite cognac look" on your face ..... or was it trapped wind old boy.

Guffffaaaawwwwwwwww

How about this for a candidate question.

"Boche, Hun or Kraut - what's your fave name for the bally Germans?"

Of course.
Got to discern political affiliation, what!

Hmmmmmm good point. How about "House of Lords - best Club in the capital or what?".

That'll be one the Hereditary peers can get their teeth into what !

That too, but what I rather meant, dear chap, is that "Boche" would indicate right-wing affiliation, "Hun" centre and "Kraut" left-wing.

But yes, anyone who answers no to that last question ought to be kicked awf without a thought!
If it wasn't for the upper chamber it would have been the slums for my family when I was a nipper! *harrrumph!*

*in deep thought*

Just wondering old man where you'd put "Square-Head" in your rather splendid political spectrum.

*wakes from induced slumber*

What what what what what what?

Bally sorry, Chaps, must've dozed orf ... now, er, anyone mentioned Fritz?

I say, that was rather a splendid Claret ... seems this thread is clear of the gypo's curse - damn them all to blazes ... 'magine tampering with a chaps bordeaux as some kind of cheap wheeze ... ne'er do goods the lot of them ...

How about Jerry ... reminds me of cherry bombs.

Yes Jerry .... seems friendly. Honour amongst fighting men what !

Oh rather. Quite so. Honour between gentlemen, and ladies. HONOUR, mind, not honor. Let's see your colours.
I wasn't knocking Kraut, though, Sauerkraut may be an acquired taste, but perfectly smashing... once you've aquired the taste.

I rather like the cut of your jib old gel but we do have an agenda item to discuss namely the expulsion of Unkers from the Club on account of him being an alledged Leftie.

Are there any character witnesses prepared to speak up for the bounder ?

What say, Redders? A lefty? In these here hallowed halls? That's a serious accusation, very serious indeed, almost as bad as bein' called a card sharper, what?

Or an Infantryman ...

Infantryman? *ominous whisper* If that don't mean pistols at dawn, i want to know what will.
Come to think of it, make it noon, pistols at noon.
Perfectly beastly time of day, dawn.

A Leftie eh?
Serious stuff and no mistake. A case for blackballin` if ever there was one. And it`s damned painful too, as I recall, what!!
Still, mustn`t jump to conclusions, case got to be proved, and all that.
Needs careful thought, and I can`t do that without a drink in me `and.
Wots the chap got to say for `imself??
Deafenin` silence from that quarter, wouldn`t you say?
Always had a shifty look I thought...but then agen..I`d always had a few whenever I saw `im...could be mistaken I suppose..

What was the question agen???

I think someone said that Unkers is getting too large to be a member any more - he's getting a bit hefty....



Bassman

Ah..nuff said then!
Nothing political, you say ?
A chap should be allowed to get as large as he likes...if he don`t fit in the chairs, well, he`ll have to make his own arrangements, problem solved, what!!
Damn fuss about nothing, enough to worry about with the impending drinks licence renewal, don`t recall us ever having one..could be tricky...Haaaarrrrumph

Shame the chap isn't here in person, what, to verify or deny the accusation. Still, who said anything about a fair trial.

Hang the blighter, that's what I say. The fact that I wrote off his sports car is beside the issue...

Well if no one is prepared to stand up for a Chap that speaks volumes to me Inkers. The cad looks burgered to me old boy .... unless he turns up soon we may have to put his membership in abeyance and his seat on the Bar Committee up for grabs.