h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Funny you should mention that but yesterday a tall fellow in one of those damned ten gallon thingys was caught lurking by the regimental memoribilia. Muttering something about 'collateral damage' and asking me if any of the old boys had been into 'I-raq' as he needed a road map. Told the steward he could do with a good kick up the khyber coming in dressed like that open shirt, no cufflinks. What?!

You don't say so! Where was the porter? I say, Redders, if the service goes slacking on like this the chaps will have to do the kicking of impostors, upstarts, dagos and oversees undesirables themselves! That means getting out of my comfortable chair. Uncommonly bothersome, what?

Service has gorn to the dogs since Scrotum bought it in the lounge. Been struggling daily with the idea of hiring some Johnny Foreigners but all you get is Frenchies these days and I'll be damned if I'll let one of those blackguards into the Club. Entente Cordial my bottom !

Haven't had one of our sturdy English yeoman apply for a position since the winter of '63 mores the pity .

It's all very depressing. If only I had A BALLY DRINK I MIGHT FEEL A TAD BETTER.

Entente? No honest English word sounds like that.
Isn't there a "no frogs" sign on the door? If not, why not?
Glen Wobble all round then. Cheer you up, old thing.
I don't like these stiffdrink smileys, they don't look stiff, if you catch my drift, what? They look like bally softdrinks.

Takes a sip ...... goes for a full nip at once ...... quaffs mightily ......

I can see you are a discerning gentleman, a veritable connoisseur, pardon my French.

*starts to enjoy himself*



Oh, Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous
She'll do it for wine, she'll do it for rum,
And sometimes for chocolate or chewing gum .....

Good lord whats all the damned racket in here? Well i'm blowed! Its rather too early in the morning for loosening the collar in this fashion,redders.Not form.Ladies present.Someone get the soda syphon double quick.

This appears to be my fault, or rather that of the Glen Wobble, though perfect in it's way, it seems to have Redders in a somewhat agitated condition, what? Careful with the soda though, too liberal an application can do untold harm what, what?

Hmm maybe shouldn't have emptied the whole thing on him.Better put him outside demmed fine rug this one. Smithers bought back from Peshawar

The deuce he did! Fine piece, no doubt. Roll it up while I try another bottle on Redders, that'll steady him, send him to sleep, like baby.

It was soda in that jolly old syphon wasn't it? Redders seems to have gone a funny colour.

Ooops, now i remember, well you see there was that overeager beaver proposin' to slosh a big dash of soda into my whisky, so i nipped round and topped the syphon up with ethanol absolute to prevent worse pollution ... you think he'll be allright? Redders, Redders, speak to me, old man!

Feeling a bit wooosy old chap ..... thought there were ladies in here for a moment. I appear to be rather wet then it all went woosh and the kite pfnarrr snort ..... but then again I was terribly terribly drunk you know.

He moved! So he lives. Something lives, anyway.
Everythin' allright, old chap, been havin' a nighmare, you have, nothin' ever changes here.