h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just caught wind of yer request ... was it the sprouts or the French Onion Soup?

Anyway ... Bio as requested ...

"Ekkers is as Ekkers does" as the old adage goes. What in Billy-o it's supposed to mean is anyones business but so long as it in involves Popsy, Single Malt and giving Johnnie Foreigner a damn good pasting then who's going to complain?

Illegitimate son of the Reverend Stanley St John Quentin Lucifer Cholmondley-Smythe-Blenkinsop-Beaulieu of that ilk, Ekkers was officially recognised as the youngest combattant of The Great War. Aged just 18 months he lead a crack attack squadron 'gainst the might of the German Army, exemplifying the pluckiness of the youth of the day.

Awarded the Victoria Cross, post-humously on his untimely demise, at the tender age of three, many had written him off as being past it, a prophecy that was so close to being realised when he was subsequently stripped of said award on the discovery that he wasn't actually dead at all, merely having a nap.

Avoiding bringing yet more shame and scandal on the family name, he eloped to the continent with the tantalising teenage triplets known simply as Faith, Hope and Charity where he sired numerous gifted and highly successful progeny, all before the age of 21.

He saw action in many of the worlds major skirmishes and was, once again, awarded the Victoria Cross, once again post-humously, only, once again, to have it stripped due to the fact that he was infact, despite popular rumour and his attendance at The Palace for the award ceremony, dead having shuffled from this mortal coil some 20 plus years previously.

Since those halcyon days he has bided his time in numerous clubs, building up a good level of archaeological excitement on each and every one of his club ties and speaking utter twaddle, much to the dismay of his ever increasing number of grand-children.

"There's no rest for the wicked" he's often heard to say, and who is anyone to doubt him.

Splendid old Boy - simply splendid .... and vaguely reminiscent of Kipling at his best before he succumbed to the dark pleasures of the Opium den, what !

I'll have it up in a trice

Redders, you're a top chap and don't let anyone tell you otherwise ... now tell me, dear boy, a trice ... anything like a cleavage?

Ah Ekkers, a trick question old boy ...... we both know that there is nothing quite like a cleavage

Ah, top hole, Redders ... good to see yer on the ball!

as it were

Astounding bio, absolutely astounding !

And of course, I believe every word of it.

No-one could invent a story like that... could they ?

Why let the truth get in the way of a good story ... it's the family motto, emblazoned on the walls and ceiling of the stately pile, and more importantly, branded on the buttocks of all the estate workers ...

By Jove, your workers must be generously proportioned individuals there Ekkers. To get our family motto "Vescere bracis meis" (Eat my shorts)on our lot we'd have to line up 15 of the blighters side by side !

Not feeding them too much are you ?

Naturally it's in Latin which reduces the word count enabling us to squeeze it onto one buttock ... the real "piece de resistance" is having it branded in braille on the other ...

Inspired ! Course using your fingers in such an area is fraught with danger, what !

what ho? a kind of 'which' for aspiring pimps?

Pip Pip Unkkers

What ho!!! Blasted record nap of 10 years, just NARROWLY missed?!?

Somebody is going to meet the end of my musket for this!

*snores*

ZZZZZZZZ