h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We fetch the stuff from the trolley ourselves in this room. Otherwise you'd have left this room as a parched corpse, and us too.

Come to think of it, the staff might not even have bothered to wheel us out!

It really is time we had a word with the HR dept.

HR ... don't talk to me about HR ... After Guthrie left following his accident with the soda siphon, I asked if they couldn't find me a new batman.

Damn it all to blazes if I didn't get back to my room and find a legion of miniature poultry sorts nesting in my sock drawer. Then, to add insult to injury, they said that the bally things had signed a contract that entitled them to a months notice in the event of relieving them of their duty. I asked the dratted HR bod how a chicken was supposed to sign a contract without either opposing thumbs or indeed a grasp of the English language, to which they merely shrugged and quoted the "equal opportunities" tripe that is so virulent in the country today.

Fortunately, through the means of a glove of garlic and a roasting tin, I'd soon resolved my problem, all though to cap it all orf, I then got indigestion ... blighters still plaguing me even after their demise. Still, the breadsauce, I feel, was suitably fitting as send offs go, and the roasts? Out of this world ...

Now if only the same could be done for dratted HR ...

a very good morning to all. it is a distinct pleasure to be the company of such distinguished gentlemen ..., ehm, and ladies. i'm most grateful to inkers for the introduction. i do hope my application to join will receive a favorable review and admittance granted in due course. thank you.

Ah, chum of jolly old Inkers eh ?

Well I expect you'll have no bother with this interview malarky then what .... but we do have to go through a few things for forms sake. I'm sure you'll understand old boy.

Now then before we start how d'you fancy a dram to calm the nerves eh ?

We've got Glen Wobble and Glen McLurcher's - what takes your fancy old chap ?

oh, i say, that's most awfully kind of you. just a spot of your own most favored poison, please, if i may, old man. jolly good to be here ... quiet place, serene, ... quite pleasing.

I do appologize for asking, but how did it ever came to the point where HR has the control? was there a one of the ends of the universe that turned the things backwards?

the universe, my dear fellow, is quite flat. come now, you've not been following the course of scientific query very well, have you now, what?

To be honest I never did too good in any science but the science of lounging. The reason for the question was my sick mind that suggested that its the members that dictate the rules and are selfish to the problems of other beings. My own conclusions were that either the universe came to a rather terrible end or the most amazing place in the word is somehow run by the improbability drive.

Nothing improbable aboutthe Chaps Club Legers - all dreadfully probable around here infact I believe Inkers has a medal and bar for being probable under fire.

Still back to the jolly old membership drive what eh ?ers - must do something about your nickname sometime by the way.

Rightyho - get one of these in yourmitt then before we move over to an important questions.

*hands over a nip of Glen McLurcher*

One for the discerning palate that one

OK here's today's membership question ...... you're at 12,000 feet and the engine of your spitfire has just conked out and you have to bring the kite in on a dead stick approach. On the way in you see your favourite sports car being stolen by Gypsy's. On landing do you :-

(a) Head for the nearest bar ?
(b) Head for the nearest filly ?
(c) Head for Nursey ?

should i find myself fortunate enough to be offered a place on your rosters, please be sure that i will take the necessary action to procure a proper moniker.

i'm frightfully sorry to disappoint you Red Dog, old man, but that question does pose a bit of a Gordian knot, wouldn't you agree?

once the kite is safely at rest on terra firma there are any number of probable and improbable courses of action. i say, it would be rather a disservice to our lot if we were to reduce what is a rather infinite number of options to three. i'd venture to suggest that it might be something the blasted yanks might do, definitely not any britons wothy of their salt, eh what?

oh, and thanks very much for the stiff tot!

Brilliant!

An inspired indirect answer to a very simple question, not once but twice.

I think that gets you in through the door, what!

you're too kind, inkers, old bean, too kind!

One's got to be fearfully careful what one says these days, but everyone knows that the right answer is, of course, point yer stricken kite in the direction of the gypos and bail out ...

The insurance'll pay for the repairs to the sports car and with a spot of luck the kite'll see orf a few of the gypos and if you're rarely, rarely lucky you'll be rescued by a smashing piece of popsy with a fine pair of bristols, bearing a decanter of McLurcher ...

decanter of Glen Wobble, old chap, wakes the dead, and sends 'em screaming ... for more.

my dear fellows. If you think that my name is unchaps like that I'll gladly change it. As a matter of fact if you have any suggestions my confused soul is open. However, I am a very sentimental person, and if I'll loose my name in a matter of second no amounts of Glen Wobble will be able to clean out my mourns So if its possible to keep it with out too much modifications in it, I'll be grateful.

And as for the kite question. I love cars too much to destroy them just because some Gypsy's is trying to destroy that cars dignity. I'll rather land right next to him, take out a bottle of Glen Wobble and hurt the damn thief with it so hard, that he will thing that Glen Wobble is the name of his father.(as you can see its good not only for washing out spots) After that covert operation I'll use the sport car to: a) stop by the bar to supply myself with some good stuff, b) head for the Nursery to have a "social" with some of the female personnel.

Simply splendid

Sidestepped the Glen Wobble trap, swerved around the old Spitfire question and neatly landed yourself a membership in the Chaps Club !

Delighted to welcome both Legers and ?ers into this esteemed establishment

As Chaps you're both eligable for the finest Totty H2G2 has to offer plus unbridled freedom to take cheap potshots at the Frenchies

Tally Ho !

By request and instruction of:
Redders
Membership Secretary and all round good egg
Chaps Club
c/o The Hot Spot
Upper Snorting
Berkshire

I say Redders - do you need a second for that?

You can count on me for that.... Do any of the new "Chaps" play Bridge?



Bassers

No doubt they do, no doubt they do...

Ermmm... "Legers" is a fine name, but it will always make me think of heavy books. But so be it.

As for "?ers", we'll really have to think about that one.
Questers, perhaps?

Now, where's that dashed deck of cards?

thank you gentlmen. I hope you don't mind that I left "V007" in my name.
Unfotunately I never had the delight of playing Bridge, but by watching you I'll learn it in now time.

*conspiratorily*

Watch Bassers old boy - bit of a card shark in his day. Course completely past it now