h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Did I hear the word Blended ... heavens above ... we'll have owt but single malts in here if I've got any say in the matter. I didn't get strafed by Jerry and have my rear peppered with grapeshot for the club to start vending blended filth ...

Hear, hear! That's what we fought The War for ... on both sides!

have they sorted out the staff shortage in here yet, what?

Fraid not ..... do you have a Drink Wallah with you perchance ?

*checks pockets*

Gordon Bennett, whaddaya know ... there's only a bally drinks-wallah in my hip-pocket ...

Damned if I know what the chaps doing in there ... one question still vexes me though - if there's a drinks wallah in my hip pocket, what the devils happened to my hip-flask?

Gypsies probably stole it old chap. It's that bally curse you know - we need an exorcist!

good day gentleman.
I'm here to join your Chaps Club. What is it exactly that I must do to deserve a piece of your attention?

Ah, there you are, old chap. Good show!

Before we start, care for a wee tipple? We've got Glan Wobble and Glen McLurcher's...

I'm not sure if this Legend chap is entirely up to the task.

Imagine pitching up in yer old school cravat, booted and suited to the nines, only to be offered a snifter and to promptly hot foot it to other pastures!

The youth of today, I tell you ... rapscallions and poodlefakers the lot of them - wouldna happened in my day ...

Attaboy! the term poodlefaker is new to me Comes in uncommonly handy too. It does sound properly disreputable.

yes, can I have a little Wobble please
Ekki, I'm incredibly sorry for questioning you wisdom, but I don't think that you can judge the youth by its cover. A lot of gentelmen my age celebrate the time of your youth and even try to integrate that time into todays society. The only problems that we face is insufficient amount of good teachers that can truly teach us THE WAY.

If i might venture some advice, my dear chap, it isn't done to throw ones' weight about here until one's been 10 years in the place. Meanin' absolutely anythin' that gets you noticed. It's not encouraged.
Nervous young chaps have been known to break down under the strain and start singin' "I'm a little teapot". Don't do that. Sit tight is the word, and have lots of pegs of GlenWobble, excellent stuff, GlenWobble.

*makes a note on his clipboard*

Well said old boy .... ought to have a bit of spunk at your age ... I know I certainly did as the gels in the Nursing Auxilliaries found out !!

Guffffaawwws !!!!!

Now I have a question about your name ... is it Legend or Le Gend - not a frog are you old boy ?

Popsy's permitted but absolutely no frenchies ... even a hint of frenchy blood is worth a black balling. The only frenchies allowed in here are the letters - wouldn't want to pop a bun in the parsons daughters oven - Bally poor show - would spoil the sport for the rest of the chaps.

Pleasure to meet you Legers, assuming of course you aren't a frenchie.

*getting himself another Wobble*
First off are the Nursin Auxilliaries still standing? If they, than please show me the way cause I might just "break a leg" while talking to you ladies and gentelmen.
My name consists of three parts: Legend was a part of the sign on my old computer that I used when I first started using internet. "V" stands for the first letter of my name Val (the american version.) And finally, I put 007 in the end because I watched one of his films the night before.
As for my nationality, I'm not French. Before I say it, may I hear the countries that are welcome in this Club?

Can't be too precise on that Legers old boy - it does so much matter on good breeding and instinct rather than where one was born of course.

Certainly being born in the Empire guarantees you first place in the lottery of life and all that. Colonials are very much welcome as well ....

*thinks for a moment*

.... except for those ghastly Australians. No idea of the correct way to play cricket - that's letting us win by the way. I see it as a matter of duty and responsibility to the Mother country but they're so deuced competitive. Very vulgar in my opinion.

Steady with the wobble by the way - it's not completely road tested yet although we have a crack team of Chaps imbibing their way to the Mother of All Hangovers in the Bar as we speak. Lurchers is dead set against the stuff and you wouldn't want to ignore his advice ...... you wouldn't get the commemorative 35 year single malt at Xmas if you did

Pip Pip !

Absolutely.
Try a spot of the McLurchers. That'll put some hair on yer chest, what!

Glad to see good old Redders and Inkers still appreciate a proper drink, but of course it`s to be expected from such discerning palates, what!!
Although Glen Wobble does have it`s uses...it fetched the gravy stains out of me shirt in record time!!
Can`t quite make me mind up about this Legend chappie, what`s all this 007 malarky about ?
Watched one of his films?..Whose films?..Damned odd, I`d say... Haaaaarrrrumph

Good grief Lurchers, have you gorn mad? Can't imagine why one would wish to rid ones shirt of its gravy stains ... a man is not judged simply on his enunciation of the phrase "gorn orf" but on his favoured malt and the quality and antiquity of his gravy stains ... admittedly ones old school tie is prima donna but the shirt and the lapels of ones blazer come under equal scrutiny.

I do appologize aabout the Glen Wobble. You see, I have a weakness conserning women. Delicia had suggested that I should have lots of pegs of that stuff, and I simply couldn't resist. But now I think I can see the LIGHT.
*Asks the waiter to get him some McLurchers*
And while I'm waiting for the drink...
That day I was watching something about Pussy Galore. Unfortunately I can't remeber the name of producer.
*Waiter gives him the drink. Legend takes a sip*
thats some good stuf. But my god, that was really fast service. Is someone trying to impress me? From what I hear its simply impossible to get a good service here. HOLLY CRICKET, IS THAT HAIR ON MY CHEST???!!!!