h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I do not know if this is the right place but I hope it is. I am interested in jokes especially old jokes and I wonder if anyone knows any.

Here are my first three
Q. Why did the sugar bowl?
A. Because it saw the garden fencing.

Q. Two flies are on the wall (wallpapered), which one is the bandit.
A. The one nearest the border.

Q. When is a door not a door?
A. When it is a jar.


Please add as many as you can think of.

Some very old ones here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7536918.stm

Icy

Thanks Icy North, my favourite is the one about the Pharoh.

So, far the only one that has amused me much is the Roman one...

Unless we're talking Fanny flatulence I don't see how the Summarian one works at all...

Two early cavemen walking through the high reeds and hear a tremendous roar. Suddenly a dinosaur runs past them as they crouch, shaking in the reeds.

One says... 'What was that?'
The other replies 'I dunno, but Doyouthinkhesaurus?'

MMF

knock knock
who's there
Is a bell
Is a bell who
Is a bell really necessary on a bicycle?

Docto, Doctor
I feel like a pack of cards
Sit down and I'll deal with you later

Doctor, Doctor
I feel like a pair of curtains
Oh pull yourself together

Knock, Knock
Who's there
Cook
Cook who?
That's the first one I've heard this year

My first joke was about a dog with no nose.

"How did he smell?" I hear you ask.

frankly, terrible.

As is the joke.

First anyone taught me was:

"Why did the orange roll down the hill?"

"I don't know. Why"

"Because it had run out of juice!"

Some old jokes in these h2g2 Talking Points on the subject: A487037 and A26259889

Icy

two real oldies
-
traffic cop sees old lady turn in a one way street knitting at the wheel
-
lady pullover,pullover, old lady no pair of socks for my husband.
----
same traffic cop later, another old lady turns in a one way street, traffic cop says.
-
hey didnt you see the arrows,
-
what arrows, i didnt even see any indians. jim

'Are your relatives in business?'
'Yes - in the iron and steel business'
'Oh, indeed?'
'Yes - me mother irons and me father steals'

Is there some punctuation missing? That was almost unreadable?

'If I had a rabbit in a hutch, and I bought another rabbit, how many rabbits would I have?'
'Why, two, of course' 'No, ten'
'You don't know your arithmetic'
'You don't know my rabbits'

What did the man who invented door knockers win?

The no bell prize.

TRiG.






And here's a translation of Jimcracker's:

A traffic cop sees old lady turn in a one way street knitting at the wheel.

Cop: "Lady, pull over, pull over."

Old lady: "No; pair of socks for my husband."

---

The same traffic cop later sees another old lady turn in a one way street. He says, "Hey, didn't you see the arrows?"

"What arrows? I didn't even see any Indians!"

Bear walks into a bar and says. "Gimme a gin and... [...] ...tonic."

Bartender asks, "Uhm, why the big pause?"

"Oh these? They're great for scooping salmon outa rivers."


~jwf~

Some of the jokes at F16034?thread=76493 are well past retirement age

A madman is painting his ceiling. Arrives another madman who tells him, 'hang on to the brush, I'm taking the ladder'.

'What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?'
'I don't know'
"A weasel is weasily distinguished'
'What about the stoat?'
'That's stoatally different'

'Where were you born?'
'Liverpool'
'What part?'
'All of me'
'Have you lived there all your life?'
'Not yet'
'Any great men born there?'
'No - only babies'

I have a Ritual Joke. I used to trot it out weekly, in the hope that someone would eventually get it. It was originally by the great Chic Murray. It wonly works in a Scots accent.

'I walked into a cake shop and said, "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?" and the lassie behind the counter replied, "No, you're right. It's a macaroon."'


More Chic:
http://members.fortunecity.com/gillonj/chicmurray/