h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

what did one hungry dog say to the other hungry dog,
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ive got a bone to pick with you

'Do you serve lobsters?'
'We serve anybody, sir.'

"My dog has no nose."
"Your dog has no nose?"
"Nope, no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"He can't; he has no nose!"

You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a mackerel.

"I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."
"What a coincidence! I know him too."

a sparrow talking to another parrow
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"just look at that owl, its asleep all day, how boring",
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the other sparrow,replyed, "but what a hoot of a night he as".
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jim

My wife's gone to the West Indies
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.

My wife's gone to Indonesia
Jakarta?
No, she took the boat train.

'How long has your father been in his present position?'
'Three months'
'And what is he doing?'
'Six months'

'We found out that white horses eat more than black horses, so we got rid of the white horses'
'That's silly - why should the white horses eat more than the black horses?'
'We tried every way to figure it out, and we couldn't figure any reason, unless it was because we had more of the white horses.'

a monkey, a snake, and an heyna, are in the jungle,
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the monkey says, "hope the lions not abaout"the heyna"if he is i,ll take him on,but if im losing you to come and help out".
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so the monkey and snake agree.
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just then the lion jumps out on the heyna and starts to rip it to peices, and walks off.
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the monkey and snake, look to see the mess the lion as left the heyna in,"why didnt you help like you said you would" the heyna said. the monkey replied," you where laughinging some must, we thought you where winning"
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jim

opss k/board glitch, should be "much"

whats the best time to go to the dentists?

Tooth-hurty.

why do you never give the binmen your gate?

Bacause they might take a fence.

Whats the diference between an elephant and a grape?

They are different colours.

What did tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?

"theres a herd of grapes" (he was colour blind.)

why did the sausage roll?

bacause it seen the apple turnover.


(i will stop now)

mini

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down a hill.

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Stamp on his toes.

What's a Greek urn?
About €50 a day (this was funnier when Greeks used drachmas...)

How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke his eyes out.

RF

binman at the back od a chinese takeaway, asked the owner,
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"hey mate where,s yer bin",
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boss" to china thanks"
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binman, "no your bin"
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boss, "i said i bin to china"
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"nnoo" said the binman" where,s yer wheelie bin"
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the boos"stupid, dont you listen, i wheeliie bin the china"
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jim

how can you tell the difference
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between an elephant an a postbox,a man asked his mate
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i dont know how.
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then i aint letting you post my letters mate
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jim

Person A: How Long is a Chinaman?
Person B: Pardon? I don't know.
Person A: No! How Long is a Chinaman!
Person B: I don't know.
Person A: NO! How Long is a Chinaman!
Person B: I don't know!
Person A: No! How Long is a Chinaman!
Person B: I. Don't. Know. They're all different heights, anyway...
Person A: No, no, no! Houlon, is a Chinaman.

cop stops an irishman driving a boneshaker of a car.
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cop, "get out and, STAND STILL, and DONT MOVE"
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the irishman,stands there while the cop hits the fender, it falls off, the irshman, laughs.
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the cops hits the side window, is normal glass and breaks.
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the irishman again starts laughing.
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after the cop as all but distroyed the car, and the irishman, is now laughing uncontrollably.
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the cops say to the irishman,
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"whats up with you man,ive all but distroyed your rubbish car and you are laughing all the time".
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the irishman replied"ah but you didnt see me move evertime did you" jim

whats the definition of wooden pants
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"keep a knocking but you cant come in"
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jim