h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Q. What's black and blue and floats in the Irish Sea?

A. An Englisman who just told an Irish joke.

>>"I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.">>
"Really? What's the name of his other leg?"

What's black and white and read/red all over?
A penguin with sunburn.

A *pro*-Irish joke:

Paddy goes for a job on a building site. The foreman says,
'I'll give you the job if you can answer a simple question: What's the difference between a joist and a girder?'
So Paddy says,
'Sure, Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust.'

A labourer of Celtic origin takes a job on a building site. After a couple of hours the foreman asks how he's getting on.

"It's fine, thank you, but I'm having trouble with my wheelbarrow. When I push it it goes:

Squeak .... Squeak .... Squeak .... Squeak"

At this, the foreman explodes with rage:

"I've never heard anything so appalling in my life. You're fired!"

The labourer is dumbstruck. "I don't understand. How can you fire me for that?"

"Well", says the foreman, "It should be going:

SqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueak"

Why has no-one told:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
That's right.

Being told on a regular basis at primary school when I was a kid, everyone thinking it was original.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there??
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who is there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo hoo.
'Boo hoo' who?
Now what are you crying for?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hoot, hoot.
'Hoot, hoot' who?
Stop doing that. Are you a boy or an owl?

Irishman goes into a pub, and orders three for himself. The barman enquires why three in one go, and he explains it's a toast to his two distant brothers who, as he does, have one for themselves and each other once a year on the same day.

A year later, he returns to the bar and orders two.

"Oh, I'm sorry... these are on the house."
"What fer?"
"Sorry to hear of the loss of one of your brothers."
"Oh, they're all right. I quit drinking."

y=x³/2 walks into a pub.

"Sorry sir, we don't cater for functions."

two irishmen in a flat, one reading the jobs in other countries.
-
"paddy is your brother still wanting a job",
-
paddy" i think so, why shamus"
-
" there is a good payed job in canada, but they want tree fellers.
---
thre irishmen go for the same job, so the boss says"if one of you can answer a question the jobs yours"
-
first one is asked" what bird doesnt live in a tree,
-
"a swallow" the boss"wrong"
-
next one, same question,
-
"is it a blackbird"
-
"wrong" the boss says.
-
well shaun its upto you"said the boss,
-
"thats easy its a cuckoo"
-
the boss says, "how did you know that one"
-
come on boss, evryone knows a cucckoo lives in a clock.
-
jim

Two fleas left a cinema. Wheny they got outside one said to the other, 'Shall we walk or take a dog'?

Two fleas left a cinema. When they got outside one said to the other, 'Shall we walk or take a dog'?

Two fleas jumped out of Robinson Crusoe's hair. 'See you on Friday,' one shouted to the other.

A man went into a grocer's shop.
'I'd like some sauce.'
'HP?' asked the shopkeeper.
'No thanks, I will pay buy cash.'

(HP in the 60's and early seventies was a payment scheme where you paid expensive items on higher purchase and it also a name of a type of sauce.)

three ten year old lads, taliking about what they want to be when they grow up.
-
first one"i want to be a fireman and save lives".
-
second one"i want to be a doctor and also save lives".
-
the thrid one,always as an atitude."i want to get a job as a coalman, get really filthy, then come home, and see my dad try belting me for getting dirty everday.like he does now".
-


jim

What is the oldest joke that you ever heard

2 cavemen kids

what do you want to be when you grow up???

anything as long as its not a monkey!!!!

"Shall I tell you the story of the pencil?"
"No, there's no point in it."

Q. What do Eskimos call their money?
A. Iced lolly.

this as to be in the running for the oldest type of joke
-
what did one tyrannosaurus rex,say to the other tyrannosaurus rex, while holding a leg each of a pterosaur?.
-
"make a wish"
-
jim