h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Parents should tell their daughters to marry an archaeologist because the older she gets, the more interested he will be in her.

What was Camelot famous for ?
It's knight life !

two swat team members,watching a mate go up a drainpipe and lay along the edge of the roof.
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the first one said"why does joe lay along the edge"
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the second replied"asnt anyone told you,he is the team guttersnipe'r"
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jim

two bxing managers talking.
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"hey bill why do you can your boxer,lolipop kid.
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bill replied"because he his always gets licked in the ring"
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old lady goes to see the optition
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"i cant see in these glasses",she said
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he givess her every test and she cant see the charts properly..
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then he snaps his fingers, "got it"and takes her to the loo, and tells he to look in the pan.
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can you see now, "yes she says"
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"as i thought the optition you when to, as given you the wrong glasses, what you need is a pair for short sightedness",
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"the ones you have are for people who are bogeyed".
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jim

A man that was right jealous on his wife, dreamed on a night as he lay abed with her & slept, that the Devil appeared unto him and said: Wouldst thou not be glad, that I should put thee in surety of thy wife? Yes, said he. Hold, said the Devil, as long as thou hast this ring upon thy finger, no man shall make thee cuckold. The man was glad thereof, and when he awaked, he found his finger in his wife's mouth.

There was a rich widow, which desired a gossip of hers, that she would get her an husband: Not for the nice play, quoth she, but to the intent he may keep my goods together, which is an hard thing for me to do, being a lone woman. Her gossip which understood her conceit, promised her so to do. About three or four days after, she came to her again, and said: Gossip, I have found an husband for you, that is a prudent, aware, & a worldly wise man, but he lacketh his privy members: whereof ye force not.

Go to the Devil with that husband (quoth the widow), for though that I desire not the nice play, yet I will that mine husband shall have that, wherewith we may be reconciled, if we fall at variance.

A barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor taking a journey together. They have to camp overnight, so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me."

"What do they do with the old full moons ?"
"They are cut and used as stars"

When an intellectual was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear entrance and waited for it. Another intellectual asked what he was doing. Once he heard the whole story, he said: "I'm not surprised that people say we lack common sense. How do you know that it's not coming in by the other gate?"

yep one of them lol
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english man, irishman, and scotsman sitting on top of a mill chimney, watching england play scotland.
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england score, "yeah one for england", scotland score, "yeah for scotland".
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the irishman in the middle after three goals each,as had enough, and elbows the english and scotsman down the chimney,shouting, "two for the royal infirmary"
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jim

whats yellow and dangerous
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shark infested custard.
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what do you call a crow in a tree,with a machinegun, "sir"
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what did the gas meter say to the old shilling.
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"glad you dropped in, i was about just to go out"
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jim

left in the loo, by the toilet poet.
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its no god standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump ten feet.
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and pointless going round next door, the bu@@ers there, can jump ten feet more.
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poet on the loo.

here i sit broken hearted, ive paid a penny and only f@rted.
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jim

two men on a wall, drunk as skunks.
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"hey joe, i here your wife is going to dance on your grave,in bare feet when you die"
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"i hope she does bill"
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"why",said bill.
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"because ive orderd the top stone to have retractable, sharp spikes"

When an intellectual was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear entrance and waited for it. Another intellectual asked what he was doing. Once he heard the whole story, he said: "I'm not surprised that people say we lack common sense. How do you know that it's not coming in by the other gate?"

A Scholler that chanc'd in the night time to bee lockt out of their Colledge gates, wherfore hee knockt and a friend of his that heard it, came to the gates, of whom hee desired that hee would goe to the head of the house to get the keyes, he being within side answered him that he were best to goe him selfe for hee feared he should not prevaile.

Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

Someone went to a charlatan prophet and inquired if his rival would come back from a voyage. The prophet promised that he could not. But the man found out a few days later that he had come back. "Well," said the prophet, "how shameless can you get?"

One of a pair of twin brothers dies. When a student dunce runs into the surviving twin, he asks, ‘Did you die, or was it your brother?’

When the over-talkative barber asks him, ‘How shall I cut your hair?,’ a quick wit answers, ‘Silently.’

A man with bad breath is constantly looking to the heavens and saying lots of prayers. After a quick, baleful glance at him, Zeus calls down, "Have a little mercy! You've got gods in the underworld, too, you know!"