h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What did the evil chicken lay?
Devilled eggs.

Why did the pig want to become an actor?
Because he was a big ham.

A shape appeared on the horizon. As it neared, it resolved itself into a lady on a motorbike. An old lady on a battered motorbike. Probably not suspicious, but it was the guard's duty to stop her anyway. So he did.

On the back of the bike was a box. It was full of sand. He poked at it a few times, then allowed her to cross the boarder. She came back that evening, still carrying a box of sand.

And again a couple of days later. She became a common sight, the old woman with the battered bike. Sometimes she'd stop to chat. It wasn't a busy crossing, and she relieved the monotony for the young men stationed there. Sometimes they just waved her through.

But they were suspicious. Of course they were. They did random searches, sometimes very thorough. They unbolted the box from the bike, and sifted through the sand carefully. She'd never say why she carried it. In fact, she seemed to revel in their suspicion. Was it all an elaborate joke?

When one of the men received word that he'd been reassigned to another post, his feelings were mixed. He'd miss his friends. And he'd miss the daft old biddy who came through at irregular intervals around two or three times a week.

So when she made an appearance on the evening of his last day, heading home with whatever she did across the border complete, he pulled her aside to say goodbye.

"You are smuggling something, aren't you?"

She looked around. No one was listening. "Yes."

"Would you tell me?"

"The bike."




TRiG.

And here's a little video which includes an analysis of humour.

http://bhascience.blogspot.com/2009/03/unfeasable-common-sense-of-creationism.html

TRiG.

Noticing a smell of burning, a mistress ran into her kitchen and saw a part of her fireplace on fire. Seeing a kettle of water on the fire she asked her maid, "Why didn't you put out the fire with the kettle of water?" "But, ma'am," said Mary, "Sure, it was boiling water!"

Waiter Waiter, theres a fly in my soup, maybe it is doing breast stroke.
Waiter Waiter there is a fly in my soup, Waiter says yes it is fly soup,

"Bridget, didn't I tell you to clean the windows?"
"Yes, sor."
"And didn't I tell you to use the new chamois?"
"Yes, sor."
"Well, did you use it?"
"Sure, I did, sor."
"Let me see the chamois," said the master. Then he learnt that his wife had sent home some tripe.

Polite piano tuner (making a business call): "If you please, I have come to the 'Grand.'"

New maid (answering the door): "Well, my fine fellow, you can 'op it. We don't want none of your airs 'ere."

Betty: "Is it any harm to steal a kiss?"
Billy: "Well, I knew a young man who stole a kiss and recieved the full penalty."
Betty: "And what was the penalty?"
Billy: "Hard labour for life as a husband."

Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe?

Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.

Married men ought to be happy because they have loving wives to make them so. Married ladies ought to be happy because they have loving husbands to help them. And single men ought to be the happiest creatures in the world - because they have no one to make them miserable.

Q: What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A: A key

Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon's load. Problem: Who owns the calf?!

A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye." And she answered him: "Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?"

Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help.

Teacher: "Tommy., who was Anne Boleyn?"
Tommy: "She was a flat-iron."
Teacher: "What on earth do you mean?"
Tommy: "Well, it says here in the history book 'Henry VIII, having disposed of Catherine of Aragon, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn'."

A boy was asked by his history teacher to tell the story of Queen Elizabeth and Sir Walter Raleigh.
"Well," said the modern boy, "the queen was hopping out of her taxi, and Sir Walter spread his raincoat in front of her and said: 'Step on it, baby'."

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 2503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 2500 years old, and that was three years ago."

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

A German archaeology team digs down 50m and finds traces of copper wire. Afterwards the German government proclaims that 2000 years ago the Germans obviously had developed a telephone system.

Later an English archaeology team digs down 100m and finds traces of glass strands. Afterwards the British government proclaims that 3000 years ago the English obviously had developed a fibre optic based telephone system.

An ***** archaeology team digs down 200m and but finds nothing at all. Afterwards the ***** government proclaims that 4000 years ago the ***** invented mobile phones!!!. (NB - Insert nationality of your choice)