h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

<> No that's not it Icy, but your repsonse is definitly funnier.

The actual joke is:

Person 1: Did you hear about the magic tractor?

Person 2: No

Person 1: It went down the road and turned into a field.

Q: What happened when the glow worm was stood on?
A: He was de-lighted

: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.

I say, I say, I say.
Why couldn't the lady with a wooden leg change a pound note?
Because she only has half a nicker.

The oldest one I remember goes like this:

"What's round, green and hairy and goes up and down?"


A gooseberry in a lift!

Who looked after Finderella ?
Her fairy codmother !

Why was Cinderella such a poor football player ?
She had a pumpkin for a coach !

What's the scariest pantomime ?
Ghouldilocks and the three bears !

On which side of the house did Jack's beanstalk grow ?
The outside !

What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ?
A phantomime !

What did Cinderella say when the Chemist lost her photographs ?
Someday my prints will come !

What kind of pet did Aladdin have ?
A flying car-pet !

Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ?
Because the poor didn't have any !

Who in Treasure Island has a parrot that cries "Pieces of four, Pieces of four " ?
Short John Silver !

": What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea."


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea

if two tv ariels could get married, it would be a lousey wedding.
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but what a humdinger of a reception they would have.
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jim

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"

Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."

Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

What do you get when you cross a roaster and a duck?
A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn.

What kind of horse goes out after dark?
Nightmares.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
Because the kept on saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

Two silk worms were in a race. What was the result?
A tie.

old lady buys a brand new car from a showroom, and brings it back a few hours later.
-
"sonny you said this was a new car, then why when i picked my friend up after 15 mins there was a strange smell".
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"come on lady i go with you to see what it is"
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the old lady leaves the showroom at 60 mph, up the wrong way, on a one way street, then through to traffic lights at read, just misses four cars, and slammed the brakes on.
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"now soony can you smell it"
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the terified lady"lady smell it, im sitting in it" jim

How do you stop charging rhinoceros?
Take away his credit card.