h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This joke I heard at school in 1975.

There was a man with three heads, three eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at a bus stop.
A bus arrives the "bus conductor said:"Eye, eye, eye, you look armless, hop on".

*This was in the days when all buses had a bus conductor.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

'What's the difference between an elephant and a postbox?'
'I don't know.'
'Then I'll not send you out to post a letter!'

What did the biscuit say when it saw his friend run over?
Oh, crumbs!

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

'What's the difference between an elephant and a postbox?'
'I don't know.'
'Then I'll not send you out to post a letter!'

What did the biscuit say when he saw his friend run over?
Oh, crumbs!

What's green and invisible?

*holds out open hand* This cabbage!



What's red and stands in the corner?

A naughty strawberry...

I found this one somewhere and loved it. I tried it on my brother, who also loved it.

And I've tried it on countless people since then, none of whom have got it.



Did you know they've discovered it wasn't Homer who wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey after all? It was another Greek poet of the same name.

TRiG.

what goes up a chimney,down?
-
but wont come down the chimney,up?
-
an umbrella, or father xmas if he,s had to much sherry, hick, jim

whats, black and white, and red all over,
-
a newspaper, nnoo i wont write the crude answer lol jim

I would have thought the oldest jokes are ones you can't hear, since they'd pre-date language. The first attempt at humour is most likely someone sneaking up behind someone else and whacking them on the back of the head with a blunt object. That's the underlying model that all jokes play on, although most have developed into une-upmanship ("We've noticed X but most people haven't") or one-downmanship ("I'm so stupid that I think X is true, but you know better").
It's like people saying the "oldest trick in the book" is pretending to see something behind someone, so that they turn away from you to look. Surely the _oldest_ is actually having something behind someone to ambush them unless they turn around. Before you can play on something, you have to have the original situation to be played on.
Having said all that, the first joke I remember is probably Jimcracker7's last one above, about the newspaper.

>> ...first joke I remember is probably Jimcracker7's last one above, about the newspaper. <<

That's probably true for me too.
It's a shame that newspapers are going the way of the dinosaurs. No similar joke can be made for TV or the web.

~jwf~

For a start, nothing is "read all over" these days. We skim.

TRiG.

Is that why no one else has mentioned the apparent typo in that link you posted as recommended reading for King Bomba? And will you come back on over there and ans.... Oh I see you did.

~jwf~

here,s two
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how can you tell if an elphant as been in your fridge?.
-
a dirty great footprint in the butter.
------
when phones came out at first, why didnt they have them in china?
-
because there where so many wing, and so many wong,
-
they though someone would,wing the wong number jim

you want a really old joke
-
two ancient britons preparing for war, the paint they use for adornment is on two shelves,
-
one said to the other, i want the bright blue, the other said i want the light blue.
-
the first one said, then you take the high woad, and i,ll take the low woad, and lets get of to the war with scotland. jim

why shouldn't you be in the forest between 11 and 12?

that's the time the elephants fall from the trees






why do crocodiles have short legs?

they were in the forest between 11 and 12




why do elephants have red eyes?

so you won't notice them in a strawberry field


yes, you're right

man goes to jail in the 192o,s, and in 1960, he eventually manages to escape.
-
in the field nearby is a car waiting, his family left for him.
-
12 hrs later the police find the man, sat on the runningbord,crying his heart out.
-
cop says, you had 12 hours and a car, and your still here, why.
-
the man replied, my ruddy family forgot to leave me the starting handle. jim

Why did the archeopteryx cross the road?

To set a precedent for future generations?

'We had two windmills on our farm, but we took one of them down. We found we didn't have enough wind for two'.

Q: What do you call a very, very old joke?
A: Pre-hysterical!

What was Camelot famous for ?
It's knight life !