h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Cyanide?!! I musta grabbed the wrong vial. I thought I had iocain powder. Well either way, I figure you've built up a resistance to most of the known poisons from hanging around here.

*pours and extra bromide with his tea*

This ocelot is NOT uppity. I'm kinda surprised he came back actually... I think the other ocelots in the forest must have teased him for letting himself be caught and used for a parrot bat in the first place.

That would sure make me uppity

*pops head round corner of port-hole carelessly left open between the Blood of the Zaphodistas and the Canteen of Cantankerousness (experiencing internal technical difficulties remembering the name of this location due to parallel phase anomolies caused by excessive subether teleportation affectiving cognitive acuity)*

Uhh... Count. Mind if I join you in a drop of that 21 year-old Highland Park? Not familiar with that one, I do like the twelve though... I'm a man of simple tastes!

I'm just a simple man...

*Pours a wee dram for J.A.N. and doesn't even poison it. Can't bring myself to use such good scotch for eve-eel.*

*Removes Pirate hat and dons SPECTRE outfit . Sits back down and begins picking parrot feathers from Ocelot's fur.*

Ok... what form of Eve-Eel shall we perform next, kitty?

BTW... When's that evilsmiley going to get here?

*The ocelot doesn't answer*

*runs into room, grabbs flame thrower and spontaneously combusts to the good of the general populace*

would you like fries with that?

*sigh* Rank amatuers. Mystrunner... Legion... Clive... we may have to have an e-vil training camp where we can haze... train all these newbies who think they're all bad.

*sneaks over to lounging Legion in his deck chair, blocks his sun, and "accidentally" drizzles raw meat juices all over him as she "accidentally" releases the hounds*

*Tosses the cat into the middle of the room*
Yells "RELEASE THE OCELOTS!"
(the earlier thought must have been the result of a time wave.)

*takes out bazooka and aims for ocelots*

Nothing personal, Zero... I just can't stand any living animal that I don't directly control.

Well, by all means, train it if you can... I just kept it around to use as a weopon for awhile and then it jumped in my lap.

That'll teach you ... eh?

I'd better not have missed anything!
(Just getting into the spirit of things you understand!)

"COOEEEE! Avon calling!"

*silence from shock of assembled (watered-down-evil) crowd only broken by clicking and pinging of many weapon-readying type noises....*

*a worried "gulp" is heard from the parrot on the Avon lady's shoulder when it spies the rather peculiar looking parrot feathered ocelot...*

*Avon lady and parrot get plastered all over nice oak panelling from barrage of gun/arrow/poison/light-sabre/bazooka/elephant-gun/epee/baseball-bat-with-nail/ocelot fire....*



*Queeg steps out from behind Avon lady (albeit with some squelchy noises) "..knew she'd come in handy one day..." free to wander over to mini-bar and fix oneself a as all weapons have been spent..... saunters over to table and pulls up 60s egg shaped chair.... oh so cool-ly sips drink while casually trying to look comfortable sitting in that stooped over sort of way.....*


Good evening, evil ones..... Mr Legion... one would appreciate it if you kept your hands away from those shiny red buttons....... you may find me useful.... I have a ready supply of Avon ladies stashed in this surprisingly small Mary Poppins style carrybag.....

Now, I understand zat zis is zee voom vere ve vork ze downvall of day...........

*Avon lady and parrot get plastered all over nice oak panelling from barrage of gun/arrow/poison/light-sabre/bazooka/elephant-gun/epee/baseball-bat-with-nail/ocelot fire....*



*Queeg steps out from behind Avon lady (albeit with some squelchy noises) "..knew she'd come in handy one day..." free to wander over to mini-bar and fix oneself a as all weapons have been spent..... saunters over to table and pulls up 60s egg shaped chair.... oh so cool-ly sips drink while casually trying to look comfortable sitting in that stooped over sort of way.....*


Good evening, evil ones..... Mr Legion... one would appreciate it if you kept your hands away from those shiny red buttons....... you may find me useful.... I have a ready supply of Avon ladies stashed in this surprisingly small Mary Poppins style carrybag.....

Now, I understand zat zis is zee voom vere ve vork ze downvall of day...........

pants... oops... ahem

still, double the drink and double the carnage! mmhhmmhmmmhmmhaaaah... mmmhhHMMHMMHMMHAAAAAAA....... MWUHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Here kittykittykitty... Time to play Parrot ball!

*MMRREEERRR FSSST WHHRRIIRRR >>SQUAWWWKKK!!!<< ... SPLUTT!!!*