h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Should I go retrieve my Ocelot? As the raiders enter, I could unmount their parrots from their pirate shoulders. This could disorient the transgressors and facilitate repelling the boarders.
HHaaarrrrr

Be warned, they may be quite irate...I had to use a Muzak grenade during my getaway. 'How Deep Is Your Love?' The pan-pipes version. It wasn't pretty.

While we're waiting, shall we plot a counter-counter-attack? Something suitably e-vil...maybe we could hide all their oranges and make them contract scurvy...

*Is proud to have caused more chaos.*

It never hurts to be prepared so I'll just wander back into the forest to find that ocelot. Well judging by all the scratches I've gotten so far, maybe it will hurt. Come to think of it, it will be refreshing to use a furry woodland creature as a weopon in this room rather than using weopons ON furry woodland creatures.
*Seeing how comfy YS is with her feet up on my Ocelot Holster (tm) I decide to retrieve it after I get that cat*
I may need first aid when I get back.

I have a natty little orange number, teeth frreshly sharpened, an expert with the claws too...

*struts in lookin' bitchin' in a white sequined suit, black shirt and shades, the sounds of the Bee Gees singing "Staying Alive" reverberates through the port-hole*

Hey, Mr. Legion, Duuuuuuuude... Didn't you know there was a track skip button on your Muzak Grenade?!! Heh-heh!

*Struts on over to mini-bar to collect a case of Highland Park 12-year-old Malt. everyone is to awestruck at this vision of ice-cold hip coolness to intervene*

Highland Park fan too, eh?

*whispers to Count Zero on the way out*

Great stuff! Did you know it's the Northernmost distillery in the UK?..

*struts back on through porthole, case of Scotch hoisted upon shoulder, as the magic guitar riff on "Staying Alive" fades out...*

*Suprisingly, the signal from Mystrunner's detonator doesn't reach the C4 in the cask untill several seconds after J.A.N. left the building. A rolling explosion sounds through the room, shaking the windows.*

It was a mercy, I suppose. The Disco had him fully in its grip...

*fortunately had put case of whisky down to perform a hipster-pistol-shot pose a la Ted Striker in "Airplane!" during the falsetto climax of "Staying Alive" when the C4 went off*

Oh my! What a waste of Whiskey!

*is blown safely back to The Lighthouse Bar on board The Blood of the Zaphodistas. unbeknownst to the dastartdly scoundrels back at the Temple of Doom or whatever they call it.*

Must remember to look up "Dastardly" and "Scoundrel" in the thesaurus...

Sings o\ Boom, Shake, Shake, Shake the room \o Oh, blast...

*blinking*

*is slightly frightened*

So have the Zaphodistas counter-raided yet, or did they leave when they heard the singing?

*Walks back in struggling to restrain one quite irate wild ocelot, grabs Ocelot Holster (tm) and places YS's feet back on floor gently... well as gently as one can while wrestling with a vicious cat who has no desire to be swung at pirate parrots*
Sorry YS, I can't hold this thing while we wait for the return raid.
*walks over to minibar to retrieve his bottle of 21 yr old Highland Park*
I'm sorry, I'm spoiled. I can't go back to 12 year old HP.
*Poors himself a wonderful neat. Then pulls egg-chair over by the newly created porthole*
~I'll have to repanel that later I bet~
*Waits for unsuspecting parroted pirates to climb through port hole*

Oh yea... Almost forgot

AARRGGHH, Matey's

Now then I was just wondering where you've put the McAllans. Ah there it is. Thanks so much, sorry for interrupting your.... er... well whatever it is you're doing whith an ocelot while covered in tomato paste. they're an odd lot aren't they

Who needs an evil board room...the truly evil among us can think evil thoughts at the beach in a flock of flowers drinking beer. (although depending on the beer, that may be the cause of the evil thoughts, often directed towards the makers of the beer.
On that note, i will gladly drag up a chair and join you in your conversation.

Oooooooh what happened? Did those scoundrals raid our mini bars? If so, that's SO unoriginal. I mean, I know somes stole their drink, but that's no reason to take it out on some innocents plotting in the Boardroom of E-vil.

*hides fake peg leg and remains of parrot after the incident earlier*

It had nothing to do with us, honest guv'.

Sorry I'm late folks, did I miss anything?


I'd better not have!

No Harry, that's not tomato paste... It's my blood. The Ocelot doesn't like being used as a pirate parrot bat.
And what I'm doing is trying to knock the parrots from the shoulders of raiding pirates by swinging a live cat. I couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a pirate earlier so I decided it would make neat game if I tried it with a live cat instead... Higher difficulty rating you see.

Yes! Indeed!

*the scope of the situation finally seems to hit her*

What... Wa- Who are you people??? Why are you here? And why are you drinking my ramuneeeeeee....???