h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Satisfied, release the leaver, the spring-mounted doors rise back into place, sealing Kiper and Menthol inside in the dark*


My work here is done....

Darkness reigns.

Lucky I'm a dragon with an embarrassing name not a fish
*Spreads wings and flies back up to Menthol Spitting flames*

All is quiet.


Peacefull



Dull........




Until.......

The Doc, resplendent with Evil white Puss Cat on his shoulder in his freshly laundered, MOT'd, taxed, serviced, oil changed, tread checked and balanced "Pants Of Thrall" lands squarely (Iron Manish) in the bored room of Evil, Plotting, General Mayhem, Time Travel and all in all general badness in a Tarantino kind of stylee.

KABOOOOOOOOM!

*All furniture in the room is immediately blown all over the place, pot plants keel over and wallpaper peels from the wall as the gas does its awful work"

*Thinks - shouldnt have had that curry last night, I normally land with a dull SBD....Psssst....phutt*

Well..............Helooooo.......*Winks at Camera, inserts plutonium fuel rods into the microwave, sets the timer to 3 minutes, nicks some Toffee popcorn from the cupboard, spray paints an enigmatic clue-to-be-solved on the wall, sets hard drive to record QI and with a blast of flame from the awsome Pants Of Thrall's exhaust, takes off through several windows in a very obviously CGI assited way whilst laughing in a very outdated "Baddie" style laugh....Muuuhuuuwaaahaaaaaaaaa!

I wonder whether the BoE will be rebuilt in hootoos new home when the big move happens...

Also, if any of the original team shalt return...

*Wakes up, suddenly.*

Oh, is it moving? When's it happening?

sodit
but there might not be too much debris...


on the other hand we may need an excavation team

The light of a baleful moon pierces the slats on the northward windows of the BOE briefly illuminating a sign that reads "To Let"

Tragically it would conspire a passing convention of the D.I.B.S (Dyslexics with Irritable Bowel Syndrome) had been in town for a convention, and had in the dark taken the sign to mean a public convenience and thus left the already toxic and foaming Garden Pond and even more putrid green and emitting a particularly unpleasant and ammonious funk from which had formed in the heavy air into a greasy mist that pervaded the fetid and marsh like over-growth from the neglected gardens in tendrils

Methane flares and Will O Wisps give flicker on and off illuminating just ahead - a door which as if it expected a visitor, drifts silently open....

Through the layers of dust, blood, unignited napalm, white phosphorous and gun shot residue - the place looks rather as all had been forced to abandon it in a great hurry.

Hurried footsteps seem to eminate from within the walls, voices just out of hearing, whispering.. no... counting..


...2 .... 1



KABOOM!



The Explosion settles down into a constant and permanent case of tinitus then with a sudden thump the final restrain bolt shears and shakes loose a golden Pharaohs casket that drops out of the chimney where it was securely wedged and bound with transient sigils of arcane powers.

The Coffin creaks open and out steps - The Warlord shaking off several layers of dust, bandages and shrouds.

"That's the last time I try that as an aphrodisiac."



"Wait - where the hell is everyone?"


A Golden Pharoh's

*crawls out from under a lair of debris*

may I be the first to say you certainly know how to make an entrance sir

*faints*

*replaces the blow pipe in his hip holster.*

Ah silence. Much better.

and nothing else happened for a bit, which was itself quite ominous...

well we may be the only ones in here left alive...

I demand a head count!

well you can try... but it's almost Halloween so all those might not be real

*Levitating through the wall (CRASH) half way across the lawn, upstairs, downstairs, in my ladies chamber via the fridge, garage, cesspit, B&Q and a nicky nacky noo.........SPLAT!!!!!!!!!!!

Dats bedder!
I thaid DATS BEDDER!
(Sniff)
I gobba cold.......AAAAAAACCCHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A pwopper big bogey invested man dold ...PPAARRRPPP!!!!
*Looks in Chemists bag - fishes something out*
(sniff)
Wight.
Instwuctions.......Place up doze....
"Fetang!"
Gwait!
Pull pinny thing out.....
*Twang*
Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick.......

KKKAAAAABBBBLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

*Takes a sniff.........SSSSSNNNNIIIFFFFFFF........

BLIMOS! Thats better!! Night Nurse? PAH!

1 armour piercing grenade beats the bejesus out of wimpy night nurse!!

Ha Ha!

*Shakes head, displacing grenade shrapnel, picks up fractured kneecap, replaces lug in lughole looks at his Micky Mouse mood watch and carefully notes the elapsed time between this and previous entry*

Blimy! Things a bit slow round here - but no matter! I have just the thing!
*Opens pocket and roots about......Belly Button lint...nope....hanky...nope....Ford 2.8 Capri with go faster stripes... nope ........surfboard....nnnnnooooooo pair of Bimbos infamously skimpy thongs (blushes) ....Definately NO! .......
until......
CLANG! There you go......wind wind wind wind wind wwwhhhhhiiiiiiirrrrr

*An inflatable wind up Tiny Tim spins in a lazy hip hop stylee around the room whilst belting a out thrash metal rendition of "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" while the Doc winks at the lurkers......