h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*You enter a very neat boardroom with a huge, long table. Along the length of the table are very nifty '60s-style chrome swivel-chairs, with little notepads, laptops and a in each place. A minibar stands in the corner; a huge map of the world stretches across the far wall. The lighting is very low and atmospheric; the atmosphere being one of gleeful evil*

I call this first meeting of the Committee for Evil, Plotting and General Mayhem to order. Pull up a chair and think evil thoughts! We'll take suggestions from the floor...

I read the title and thought:

"That'll be a legion-ism." - and 'lo, I was right!

*sits in the big swivel chair at the top of the table and starts randomly pressing buttons on the key-pad in front of him.*

*In turn various chairs dissapear into flaming pits or have spikes shoot out of the bottom or course with electricity.*

Ye-e-e-s. *rubbing black-gloved hands*

I think this will do nicely.

Thnak you Mr - ?

Mr Legion?
Hello?

I wonder where he went off to?

Ride of the Valkyries

*Chair at head of table swivels round, revealing Mr Legion, stroking a big white cat*

Ah Mr Flying Ostrich... I've been expecting you. Do you like the faux-'60s design and dangerous buttons?

They're lovely thanks.

*spins around, fires air-rifle at a target positioned above manequin which disolves in a flash of steam from the bucket of acid that was unleashed by some secret mechanism.*

*giggle* wooo. Let's create an underwater utopia - no no, i got a better idea - let's deflate the worlds economies by irradiating all the gold in fort knox.



No wait - that's just silly.

I think the first order of business must be to lobby the Powers That Be for an smiley. This is an important issue which affects us all!

After that, we'll replace Tony Blair with a mannequin and see if anyone notices...then we can take over the railways and twist them to evil ends (well, eviller)...oh, the possibilities.

By the way, help yourself at the minibar. I decided I'd better get one installed to keep people interested...

*Sniffs*

I don't know, offer them world domination and they're lukewarm, but just mention the prospect of a and they're trampling each other...

The bar is extensively stocked in peanuts, crisps and Skittles...especially Skittles...

......enters the room, greeting everybody.Then goes to the minibar to mix a Bloody Mary. As everybody is tangeled up in evil conspiracy I poison the rest of the alcohol and fondle the peanuts with my urininfested fingers. Then goes back to the table and the fine chrome chairs and enjoy my BM, and waits to see who´s next at the bar, greeting myself on my evil scheeming.











T´mershi Duween.

::: enters the room, standing behind the esteemed Warlord with her arms crossed, looking menacing :::

*looks up shea's nostrils.*

tee-hee.

*Rises to speak, strikes table with riding crop*

It has come to my attention that, despite years of campaigning, the Thingite cause has not achieved its goals. The reasons for this are clear; ladies and gentlemen, there is a deficit of E-vil in your cause. You could campaign for another ten years, steadfastly persevering, hoping, wiping the sweat from your honest brows and looking forward to the glorious future...or you could pay sweatshop labourers in Myanmar to do the toiling and hoping for you, while you enjoy trading exemptions and kickbacks beyond your wildest dreams...

But I digress. The purpose of this Committee is to discuss the less moral approaches towards achieving the ultimate goals of the Thingites, as well as providing a forum for general plotting and dastardly deeds.

(And we have a minibar!)

*Raises glass of *

Gentlemen...

To Evil!

*stumbles in holding a *

That's the /last/ time I go on a five week bender...


Ooooh, a minibar *makes a White Russian*

So dastardly deeds eh? Well, if you need any help I'm a physicst and a chemist, and I've got mad scientist blood in me, and the scientist I took it from was quite upset for his few remaining minutes...

....looking as everybody drinks their poisoned drinks....having a silent laugh.

Did someone say minibar?

::wonders why the guy sitting at the table is eating a silent laugh::

::wonders if silent laughs taste good::



oops, sorry, I mean...



::thinks evil::

Duween, if anyone's going to massacre this lot, by God, it's going to be *me*. Now you give them the antidote young man/woman/miscellaneous. I hope you've brought enough for everyone.

Are any little lightbulbs going off? Any evil plots hatching? Cause I must confess, I'm drawing a complete blank. Must be the poisoned drink.

*Swivels in chair, arches fingers, tries to think evil thoughts but is constantly thinking back to the minibar*

I knew that was a mistake, installing that. Lowers the tone of the place. Good thing I have supreme powers of concentration .

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

*sipping his poisoned *

Well, I suppose that we could walk down main street and take any parking tickets we see. That way the people who got them won't know that they got them....but we'll know they got them.....

oh wait....I mean

::: takes Clive's drink :::

I have to test it first, for poison, sir!

::: takes a sip ... takes another sip ... chugs it :::

Oops! Sorry, sir.

A good starting point would be to find out who the major calendar manufacturers are...then we can send threats to their publishers...maybe burn a few cars, break a few windows and bingo! It's goodbye Thursday, hello Thing. It would require a small amount of violence, of course, and this is regrettable...I prefer violence in large doses: but no plan is perfect. Perhaps we could kill a few bystanders...

*Mumbles to self, chuckles evilly, strokes cat, tries desperately not to think about *

I think we're going to have to hit every single calendar manufacturer. I mean no sense in leaving anything for the thursday beleivers to bling to.

I also recommend an inquisition style event, just because nobody expects the spanish inquisition

*why is it that keeps popping into my head? I mean I am drinking a poisoned *

Isn't that good enough for you brain!!!!!!

*oh, did I say that out loud?*

Eh, what ever...

Yeees...you supply the funny hats, I'll bring the fake goatees

*Gives in to temptation and the deepest cravings of mind, gets an from the minibar*

Hmmm...one hole I see in our plans...is the day change going to be international? I mean, Monday is Montag in German, so what does Sodit translate as? There's one for some linguist to ponder over.

*Arches fingers, strokes chin, pets cat, realises has grown extra arms*

Oh. That was unexpected.

*Looks at poisoned suspiciously*

Magic Ale!

If you two don't stop using the "T" word, I'll have to hurt you, understand?