h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here's a torture method I read about once:

Chinese Tickle Torture (no, really!)
Step 1: Tie the victim up, with feet exposed
Step 2: Sprinkle salt liberally on feet
Step 3: Leave a goat (or any other sodium chloride-craving animal) in the torture chamber.
Step 4: When the police arrive, explain that there obviously cannot be torture going on, as the neighbors claimed: Why would anyone be laughing if they were being tortured? It's just a particularly loud party, that's all.
Step 5: Bribe, eliminate, evict, torture, and/or brainwash untrustworthy neighbors and install soundproof barriers to permit expansion of torture center without further complaints from more-distant neighbors.

The only downside is that the effectiveness of Tickle Torture is greatly reduced or nonexistent on some people.

Tickle Claus is coming to town...

*asks T'mershi for the recipe for the sinister-plan-inducing poison. "It's really effective... I'll have to brew some sometime!"*

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i cant hack it any more

Irishman, you really need to loosen up and get in the evil groove! Have a and relax, before T'mershi decides to try Chinese Tickle Torture on you. (Hmmm.... I do so want to see how well it works. Do you think the animal would continue to lick the skin straight off the subjects feet?) Y.S.

Do you think the Tickle Torture could raise a smile on him? It could be interesting to find out... Come on Irishman, relaaax. We're all friends here. We promise not to mention if you promise not to do any more long !!!???!!! sentences that mess up the page. Deal?

*Offers a laced with happiness-inducing substances, hand poised over big red button*

... Hands Vroomfindel a piece of paper, looks like a recipe with the words, "batwing" and "finger of " written on it among other things....then sits in eggshaped chair for a serious session of

*Gets up to forage for martini salt at the minibar, finds it and begins search for a goat*
What is the best way to tie someone up for Chinese Tickle Torture? What to use?!?! Duct tape? Barbed wire?

*Stumbles about, obviously poisened... why else would be finding Martini salt instead of MARGARITA salt, when former doesn't exsist? Drops to floor, clutching throat*

*Performs emergency Heimlich on YS. Olive pops out and shatters window*

I just saved your life, and I expect you're wondering why.

You know, I'm not sure either. Chalk it down to some remaining vestiges of humanity

*Scowls, leans back in chair, lights enormous cigar, thinks seriously evil thoughts*

My thought for the day: 'tis better to keep silent and be thought ignorant than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

.......Think I better keep my mouth shut then for the duration of the session.

Can't fool me, Mr.Legion... you only did it so I'd owe you one. Would a drink even us up?I would say "thanks" but have no regard for manners since becoming deviant Subliminator.


So, did anyone find the goat while I was unconsious?

Hello, Mr Legion and everyone. This your goat?
As a new Thingite, kind of, I thought I'd come try out my propensity for evil, yeah? I can be profoundly evil when I put my mind to it. For example...


......


...Oh, all right, I admit it. No-one else wants to talk to me.

anyone?
P. *hopefully*

Here you go Pinniped:



Eat up. Oh, don't mind the smell, the bubbling, the corrosive acid....tuck in...mwahahahaahem . As you can see we're a friendly lot when we're not trying to kill each other or others. And I'm sure you have some undiscovered capacity for evil Why not pick up a and step into the Games Room. You can play Risk with real nations, Battleships with real battleships and Buckaroo with a real donkey!

Thanks for the YS. But before I drink, we shall exchange glasses... What does a Subliminator do exactly? Is it e-vil? I like to think that my title is self-explanatory: Secretary of Evil

Subliminator is a combination of the words "subliminal" and "eliminator"... because I am fond of both concepts. No problem switching drinks... although I find I am quite suddenly not thirsty!
Welcome, Newbie, dare I ask where you got the goat?

Hehe...memories of that scene in Jurassic Park.

KID: Where's the goat?

(Bloody haunch of goat drops with a bloody thump onto sun roof. Chaos ensues)

Only good line in Jurassic Park 2:
"It all starts with Oohs and Ahhs, then there's screaming... and running". My Dad says that better describes raising kids than killer dinosaurs (or maybe it was just us...).

Hey, , thanx!
*wonders how long your a newbie for...*
Oh, yeah - the goat. It was just outside. You guys were talking about goats, so you get goats. Happens to me all the time.
If you think you could use some dodgy fauna, there's a menagerie back at the Pier. Only most of them are a bit incomplete somehow when you look at 'em closely. Or their anthropowotsitised, like their human, or Disneyfied, whatever, yeah? You've got to imagine really carefully if you want to make a proper one. Even then it'll probably disappear after a few days unless you keep on thinking about it.

Oh yeah, you hear that? I didn't think I'd better bring it in here, but there's a T Rex outside, too. Bit on the small side, though...

Technically, it's a velociraptor. Nasty things those. I am actually a Newbie too, it was just a ploy to undermine you for easy manipulation.

Hey, speaking of velociraptors... where did Irishman get off to?

Flossy-thingy, yeah. It did look kind of evil, out there in the anteroom. It's left some nasty gouges in Mr Legion's nice oak panelling.

I thought I was gonna get eaten for a minute, but it was acting sort of full, fortunately. I hadn't actually finished the last guy yet. Hey, this is just a thought, but what does this Irishman look like? His lower half, anyway?

Not sure about all this manipulation stuff. Maybe I'm a bit innocent for this thread. Can I have a few days not getting murdered, to find my feet, kind of? Oh well, just a thought. Better fix up a bodyguard or three, then...

P.

That mutt has scratched my oak panelling? That's a BAD T-rex. THAT's a T-rex who won't be getting his evening yum-yums (goths).
If he's already had a certain Hibernian of course, he won't be hungry

Don't worry P, you get used to the manipulation and attempted murder. It's part of the charm of the place, I like to think. Like the oak panelling... Of course, if you want to assure your safety you could wear a nitroglycerine-lined waistcoat - no-one will hassle you then. You could bring some of your animals over from the Pier...we can always use the little fellers for huntin' and shootin'.

*Lights pipe, adjusts monocles, dems the French*

Hiya Mr Legion and Glitterati
Sorry about the O-P. It wasn't me who started talking about dinosaurs, though. Coleridge has promised to bring some curtains to cover up the scratches. (She's going to help out with looking after me, and so's Orchid, and GoldSpeech. Please don't shoot the sea-bird, anyone. It has really dire consequences, weather-wise).
I'm about getting murdered, having been technically dead a few times before. I still seem to be here, somehow.
I've fixed up for the minor cast of Bambi to parade the lawns later. You can shoot as many as you like. Vermin, if you ask me.

P.