h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

KRYTIE!! What 'damage' did you do in my barrack?

*over vid* none colonel, I cleaned it.

*gets up leaves book on seat, and goes after Krytie*

*colonel s in grabs book and s off to barrack*

*comes in, looks around*

Hmm....

*arrives from quarters... sees no-one...*

*decides to downtime in bridge to be noticed... sits on consoles & connects white cable...*

*Scutter 1 (mod) arrives from the 'B-H-P-U' Suite*

*Checks Navi-Comp and notes that RD is staionary in space so takes the opportunity to run a full set diagnostic tests on it. Only achieves 99.2137% efficiency. Makes a few minor tuning adjustments then re-runs tests. Navi-Comp is now running at 99.7771% efficiency.*

*Calls up Holly and runs through a couple of simulated battle scenarios to pass the time*

*Notices that one of the green flashy things has changed to an orange flashy thing. Looks at label under orange flashy thing. It says:-

COLLISION WARNING*

*Activates Radar Display and Long Range Sensors.*

*Radar shows:-
CONTACT RANGE @ SHIP TIME 0205 - 25684 Km
ESTIMATED CONTACT SPEED - 1722 Km/h
APPROX TIME TO IMPACT 14h54m54.8s*

*Long Range Sensors show:-
TARGET ANALYSIS
68% NICKEL/IRON
22% CARBON COMPOUNDS
04% WATER
03% METHANE
03% MISC COMPOUNDS IN MINUTE QUANTITES

ESTIMATED MASS >2000 tonnes*

SMEG SMEG SMEG SMEG SMEG SMEG SMEG SMEG

*Scutter 1 (mod) does not have authority to fire up ship's engines*

*Leaves Radar and Sensor display switched on and hopes someone with authority will turn up soon!*

*Waits*

*14h24m*

*Hopes*

*wakes up & notices orange light... checks readouts... oh dear.. unfortunately has no authority... what's worse is that the dwarf does not have useful defences... pulls out paper/pen and writes down on form...

*Sticks extending flxible arms in audio receptors*

*Powers down to Standby Mode*

*14h10m*

FORM: Permission to take Midget out and use garbage chute with me and nitrogen inside to break threat into smaller threat.. of course this will leave me scattered across space and unable to clean day's laundry fOr which I apologise in advance.
-K.

*slides note into Bob's arms...* please give this to crew while I wait in Midget, Bob....
*heads for hanger..*

*returns from hanger... sits down with no plan...*

sorry krytie i err had to boost my sugar levels with and forgot what i was doing ...

now what do you mean you have no plan?

let me get this right, we are not moving, we have a big heavy thing hurtling towards us and no plan yeah

smeg

/slightpanic/What do we do/morepanic
/calmer/How long time is left Bob or whatever you'r called.

*suddenley wakes up from where she has been dozing waiting for Rimmer*

Rimmer, thank God, we are in trouble.

I have been thinking of a cunning plan - unfortunately i am still thinking ...

Smeg smeg smeg smeg smeg smeg.
WAIT!
All we need to do is activate the engines and... y'know, turn around!

yes but how do you propose we do that?

Oh by the way as you are the most senior and only ranking crew member aboard i hereby declare that I am at your service...therefore its up to you!!!!

So why arent the engines working and why didnt Holly alert us in the first place?

Hang on a minute...do you think this could be Hollys idea of a 'jape'?