h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Whoever posted that is extremly stupid

That's nice.

I speke anglish an fouty-too hother langauges flewantly

I apologise for any inconvenience resulting from the end of the world.

Saddam Hussein was killed in 1998 and has been since "impersonated" by an animatronic dummy with a well-painted football for a head.

I painted the football

I want to be Britney Spears.

I am Britney Spears. And Christina Aguilera.

I am currently stalking you to find out about those little mannerisms and eccentricites that make us all unique.

The Titanic was actually sunk by a small flotilla of specially trained waterproof lemmings acting under orders from Kaiser Wilhelm II.

Kaiser Wilhelm II was acting on instruction of the magpies who intend to take over the world. Our only allies in this war are the crows.

The magpies are working for me

Liar!

No I'm not

I keep Susan Sarandon in a cupboard. I've had her for 6 months. She's got an chip in her brain connecting her to the afterlife, so she can give me racing tips. I stole her from my uncle because he owes me £200, since I bailed him out for possession of an illegal quantity of corned beef. He found her begging on the street in Santiago, Chile. The Susan Sarandon in 'The Banger Sisters' is actually a double, using 60 lbs of rubber, numerous prosthetics, and actually played by veteran stuntman Danny Aiello III. I also have a toad in the bath who can sing jazz standards. He's quite talented, and tends to gravitate toward the middle range. France is actually in Spain.

There are five recording devices buried in five different locations around the world (monoliths if you like). These were placed here some 3 billion years ago by alien-types in order to monitor and record evolution. These monoliths are in the USA, Russia, England, China and Africa. These alien-types have never been back since the recording equipment continues to send messages to their planet which lies on the far side of the galaxy.

I will not go without UN approval

I have just received UN approval to wipe my nose.

Liam.

I have not just had a large fragment of tooth taken out which was left from an extractiona coupla years ago and was starting to go bad.

It was not very very uncomfortable.

I am not talking like marlon brando now.

Isn't everyone nice