h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am a pocket.

I've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed, but they live underwater.

I am lost for words.

What about "ocelot"? I breed them, y'know.

I already have two as pets, Fred and Maisie.

You can't keep a male and female ocelot together. They'll explode.

Don't worry, I keep Fred in my mansion in Kent and Maisie in my luxury villa in Tuscany.

You can't keep them apart! Their noses will fall off.

I got new bionic noses for them to replace their old noses.

That was a waste of time. Ocelots have no sense of smell anyway.

Always smelt funny to me, having spent the last week in a house with 4 of them...

every post has been written by me, and for every post I wear a different dress.....
not only that but as I write I like to pick up one of the many kittens that are breeding in my outhouse and lick its bald head

I believe you.

my cat is not bald...

Owing to a rare medical condition, I can only breathe in, not out.

You must be a balloon by now or is the air expelled in some other way?
My brother invented cheese.
In the garage, he was trying to invent tarmac but it went horribly wrong.

I invented oxygen... I was trying to make a binary system in my bedroom one day and ...whoosh!! Oxygen!

i had a cousin that stood on a sea urchin and turned into a turkey.
he drowned , so we ate him
yum

Childbirth? Pfft, easiest thing in the world!

I have just not come back from another exciting day at school which was absolutely not boring. and i'm not lying.