h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

oy, that's awful! *shudder*

okay, i was at this comedy show with some people from my floor, and this one guy (who i kinda like) kept sticking his fingers in my ears to bug me. so later, he had his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees, and it was the perfect time for revenge. so i told the girl next to him to poke his ear, and she says really loud "No! I'm not going to do your flirting for you!!!"

i was MORTIFIED.

but it was pretty damn funny.

I don't know if anyone will believe this, but this *is* a true story, honest to god!

I once (years, years ago) went on a one-week trip with my class, and one night, one of the girls was alone in her room, got bored, picked up an empty bottle and, uhm, took it to bed with her, so to speak.

It got stuck.

She tried pulling it out, but couldn't do it.

So she waited until her friends arrived, told them about her slight accident, and had them help her (just picture this!).

They couldn't do it.

Panic was in the air. They got a female teacher to help them.

She couldn't do it.

They took her to hospital. Needless to say, there wasn't much they could to do help. The only way of getting the thing out of there was by putting a hole in it so the vacuum that had been created would be released.

So they had a glass-blower come by and drill a hole in it.

If that is true, it is certainly among the top ten I´ve heard.

It is true. I've told this one many times, but people usually have trouble believing it.

A dear friend of mine was once persuaded, while in a state of inebriation, to perform an act of coitus with a bar billiards table in exchange for a crate of beer. The occasion was a sports club dinner and dress was formal (albeit in slight disarray during the said act). The beer was duly delivered and was gratefully consumed by all those present except the participant, who was by this time comatose. The negatives persisted for somewhat longer. They were still in existence several years later, making it unlikely that an otherwise worthy candidate will ever achieve high public office. He still receives letters now and then, ostensibly penned by the bar billiards table. Most of them refer in some crude way to a lack of satisfaction. Although infrequent, their appearance is regular enough for the partner of this unfortunate soul to refer to the correspondent as his "occasional table".
OK, it was me; I admit it....

That would be embarrasing.

And look how many morals there are to the tale.

Be careful about rapidly changing pressure and the female anatomy as I think jwf reiterates in the "most unusual place you have made love" thread...

Never drink from the bottle...

Always use a condom...

No harm in asking...

Nothing puts you to sleep like a nice hot cup of cocoa...

A finger of fudge is just enough
To give your kids a treat...

and

Never put anything smaller than the human elbow into your ear...

Hmmmm....

(Still thinking about this one I am afraid...)

***B

Oh look - Pinniped and I were doing it at the same time but he - er - came first...

(Laughed out loud at the story of the distressed table, btw)

***B

*ambles off whistling 'I don't have a wooden heart'*

Once while trying to escape from a police officer i ducked into a toilet climbed up onto the window sill and hid behind the curtain. Sure enough the copper opened the door to check if i was in there and closed the door, i remained hidden so as not to give away my position, when here returned - having given up on catching me he popped back to the privvy to take a dump, and it was obviously the end of a very long shift if you know what i mean, he was in there for 15 minutes. It stank, and he was less than two feet away from me, straining and grunting, the other side of the curtain. I didn't know whether to make a dash for it while his pants were down or what, but i stayed put, silently, as he evacuated himself in every way possible. It was most unpleasant. And once he'd left, i had to stay in there in case he was still outside somewhere, i was in there for half an hour, just me and his various emmissions.

This happened 16 years ago, and this is the first time i've told anyone.

Yew!!! but

Got arrested once for nicking various road signs - VERY VERY spent night in cell but got off with warning - AND got my Stereo back..... ...

We nicked a NatWest Bank sign once. Twenty odd foot long it was and it fitted neatly down a corridor in our house.

Sorry, this isn't an embarrassing story - but we did get some odd looks from our landlord

20' ---- Fck .... You was lucky to have a corridor that long!

I've got a scar on my forehead - from when I fell down a flight of stairs, rolled into the open door at the bottom and head-butted the rim of the toilet.

That`s prompted me to remember a friend [hope you`re not around here Julian] who on the way back home from a major drink tried to convince us he wasn`t drunk by being able to close his eyes and walk in a straight line. This was entirely successful until he hit the lampost that we all saw coming. Filling in the accident report at the hospital was hilarious

Which reminds me of my friend Neil, standing in the White Horse, swaying like a tree in a gale, offering a young lady a lift home.

"Don't worry that I am too drunk to stand up" he said "I'll be sitting down when I'm driving"



agcB

My dad told me that when he was in school, his form teacher was a nun. She also taught him Geography.

One lesson, in the middle of the exports of the UK, there was a snapping sound, and around the nun's ankles appeared a pair of knickers. My dad is silent about what a nun's underwear looks like.

Lamposts.... Well, brings back a few memories......

Once, just parked, walking to work, Saw someone else from work - very nice car (TVR Cerbera if I remember right) - parking - watched them... They backed straight into another car - at which point I walked straight into a Lamp Post and keeled over - I was alright though - Car wasn't about a Grands worth of damage!!!

Maybe some more Lamppost stories later...

I once conducted an entire English lesson with my fly open and, according to witnesses who informed me afterward, some bits poking out.