h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

To stay on the German theme:

Everything went wrong during the annual Miss Feier. It was meant to be a celebration of female beauty.

Female beauty probably gets celebrated, at least on a casual basis, every day in many places. An official celebration is a nice touch, but would you argue that it was necessary?

I had an aunt who was the May Queen in high school. That was something to talk about as a memory, but a durable honor it was not.

There is a lot more to female beauty than the narrow margins that are usually applied in the Miss-business. (and business it is)

In this case I only mentioned it as a vehicle for the Miss Feier (misfire) pun.


Attitude can be much more of a make or break criterion when talking of beauty.

Which birds sing Calypso?





Parrots of the Carribean.

That ship in the distance with the flag that shows a pie?

What about it?

They charge too much. Those are bad pie-rates.

A Bajoran monk, a clone, and a Ferengi decide to go bowling together...

The Ferengi says, wow, I was at a club last night where the hollow decks have the best oo-mox * programs. I did not want to leave. What do you two do for pleasure. The monk replies, I don't. I try to live my live with the abstinence from worldly pleasures so that I may focus on spirituality. The Ferengi looks at him and says, don't be a hypocrite, you are going bowling with us for crying out loud, I think you only pretend to be a monk in order to claim vow of poverty when the bar tab arrives. How about you clone, now be honest. What do you do for pleasure? The clone looks down and appears ashamed. I make Xerox copies of my butt.

Data has to explain that a Xerox became a generic term for an ancient machine that copied paper. I figure any joke Data tells would have to have a punch line that he ends up explaining.

* oo-mox - A Ferengi word to describe the sensations they feel when their ears are stimulated.

The joke supply has been hidden.

That is why this joke has no punch line.

Karl Marx one of the most famous philosophers, in history but no one ever mentions his sister Onya.

Or his niece Gette Setgo.

I saw a car driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

It was a Lamb-bikini.

Are ewe sure?

So today it finally happened, I knew it would eventually, but I was ready. I came out of a shop with my mask on and keeping 2 metres distance from everyone, pushed my trolley to my car all the while wearing my mask. A man was getting out of his car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting shopping into my car he says, "You're a sheep. That mask ain't gonna do anything for you except make you look stupid."
In anticipation of this happening, I already had a response ready. I said "Look, I woke up with a temperature of 41° this morning [I didn't] plus I work around hundreds of people in close quarters [I don’t] so this is for your protection, not mine. How about I take it off and we hug like old friends?"
I stepped toward him and acted as if I was taking off my mask. He stepped back away from me and went across to the next row of cars. I followed him, he kept walking away, I chased him, he ran... He fell down. I grabbed his foot. I pulled on his leg, just as I’m pulling yours.

With a second lockdown looming, I see people are starting to pile their shopping trolleys up again, I've just got back from Asda and saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros.
I thought to myself, hang on a minute...
Hispanic buying!

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
“Are – my – test – results – back?”

Is religion a myth- conception?

Logicus, those last three jokes nearly killed me (pull the other one - it's got a grenade attached to it)

In an alternative universe, Camelot was a center for textiles. King Arthur started the knits of the sewing circle.

A Sadist and a Masochist are stranded on a desert island.

The Masochist says, "Hit me."

The Sadist says, "No."

They were both happy.

B4someonenoticesthisthreadhasgoneon4over1decade

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties'

Internet search on phrase...





Dang it, logicus! That was a stretch, yet well worth the belly laugh. Too bad about the rabbits, though...

B4somebunnygetshurtordies

A police officer turned up at my door this morning.
“Do the letters TG mean anything to you?” He said.
“No.” I said.
“What about RP?”
“No, means nothing to me.” I said.
“How about AH?” He asked.
“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”
“No sir.” He replied “These are just initial enquiries.”