h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"How to succeed in politics" by Gerry Mandering.

"How to Clear a Forest" by Hugh Wood

With all the talk about orcas attackig yachts, Ive been thinking about a report that an orca was seen riding a dolphin. It was no accident. He did it on porpoise

Did you hear about the dog who became a renowned chef. He specialized in German Shepherd's pies

Ewer Flaskly grew up in Hell's Kitchen and went on to be a pitcher for the Margaritaville baseball team

Had an accident with an ice cream van I think I've got whippylash

Did you hear about the sadistic dessert chef who liked to whip cream?

"Wines of France" by J. Swoff

Did you hear about the crow who was involved in a rent dispute? While waiting for the case to be resolved, he kept his rent money in escrow

Ice cream man found dead covered in raspberry sauce chopped nuts and hundreds and thousands police think he topped himself

What's the difference between a hair care implement and a properly managed gravesite? One is a fine tooth comb and the other is a fine, couth tomb

A musical about a store that is going out of business: "Everything goes."

A musical about a taxi driver who wants to get paid: "My fare, lady."

A movie about the pests infesting my house: "Everything everywhere all at once"

A movie when my DVD player is unable to read the disk mid-movie: Frozen

The same thing when the VCR ate the tape: Tangled

Musicals I would like to see instead of the one about the red haired orphan: Any

A Musical about the cost of living crisis: Les Misérables

I'd like to report an issue I've experienced to all.
Someone on h2g2 is sharing false information and it's completely unacceptable.
I was advised, in good faith, that horse manure would make my strawberries tastier and more juicy. In fact, it does nothing to improve them at all.
I'm going back to double cream and I'd advise anyone else to do likewise.

Why they were arrested:

Jar of spice:"I maced someone."

Scarf: "I was an accessory to a fashion crime"

Cement block: "I helped someone sleep with the fishes"

Ham actor: "I chewed the scenery"

Godzilla: "I'm innocent. I was hungry, so I decided to go eat up the street."

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

"I Cry For You" by R. Gentina

I do appologise for this one....naw I don't but

so why did the baker have brown hands





because he needed a poo

A blonde got on a plane bound for Denver. She was supposed to be in business class, but insisted in sitting in first class. The crew were fit to be tied until the co-pilot, who was married to a blonde, offered to help. Sure enough, he talked to her and she promptly went to business class.

"How did you get her to change her mind?" the rest of the crew asked.

"I told her that first class isn't gong to Denver."

Ah, the old blonde joke. Showing your age?

Go and see Barbie, that should help. I went yesterday with my wife, daughter and 12-year-old granddaughter. Terrific movie.

A llama was sitting with Rama and Quasimodo on a subway train when they got to talking and realized they had what it took to become a pop group. So they formed the group Rama, Llama, Ding Dong.