h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Q: What is black; white; green and bumpy?
A: A pickle wearing a tuxedo.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka!

Q: What did the baby corn say to it's mom?
A: Where is pop corn?

Q: What kind of nuts always seems to have a cold?
A: Cashews!

Q: Waiter, will my pizza be long?
A: No sir, it will be round!

Q: What is green and sings?
A: Elvis Parsley

My pizza may be round, not long, but I long for it.

Q: What does an aardvark like on its pizza?
A: Ant-chovies

Q: What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A: a piZZZZZZa

Q: Why did Johnny go into the pizza business?
A: He wanted to make some dough.

Q: When can a pizza marry a hot dog?
A: After they have a very frank relationship!

Q: What do pizza lovers order?
A: Truly Madly Deep Dish Pizza.

The butcher's shop was always full of hotdogs and wursts. I never sausage a shop.

That's the wurst joke I have heard in a long time

Why did the cowboy have dachshund?

Because someone told him to get a long little doggy.

Why did the philosopher kill himself?
Because his life didn't understand him

Descartes jokes:-

I drink therefore I am (alcoholic)
I stink therefore I am (dustman)
I ink therefore I am (cartoonist)
I think therefore I spam (hacker)
I think therefore I jam (jazz musician)
I think therefore I had (actor)
I think therefore I damn (critic)

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Nice one! Arf, arf!

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, has watched the whole event.
Laura, addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
Miss Kuenssberg "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know, and tomorrow's news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit”. The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.
BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.
And THAT pretty much sums up the BBC's approach to the news these days.

No, this thread is for jokes.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Stan.
Stan who?
Stand back; I’m gonna break down the door.

Uncle Stan gets hopping mad when he is hopping up and down on one leg at the Hop dance that takes place in a hop field. Uncle Stan is always on the hop whenever he drinks hoppy beer.

For Uncle Stan, hop springs eternal.

Recumbentman the BBC is a joke, as well as brexit


No, this thread is for jokes.

The party was a joke, because people lined up at the punch bowl. It was a punch line.

What was the only speech Shakespeare wrote for a horse?
Woe is me!

The devil got married and as a present his wife gave him hell

A neighbour noticed his friend working furiously in the garden
Hey Tom, you're not letting the grass grow under your feet are you?
No Jack, at my age I can't afford to as I will soon be under it.

Only just found out that that movie was not meant to be romantic after all, but just about places in Germany:
Trulich/Mettlach/Dieblich...