h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No as she couldn't decide she drunk both halves anyway

I was walking in the woods with a friend, when suddenly he said
'Did you see that!'
I said no
'Neither did I.'

A monk, a clone, and a Ferengi decide to go bowling together...

The Ferengi says, wow, I was at a club last night where the hollow decks have the best oo-mox * programs. I did not want to leave. What do you two do for pleasure.

The monk replies, I don't. I try to live my live with the abstinence from worldly pleasures so that I may focus on spirituality. The Ferengi looks at him and says, don't be a hypocrite, you are going bowling with us for crying out loud, I think you only pretend to be a monk in order to claim vow of poverty when the bar tab arrives.

How about you clone, now be honest. What do you do for pleasure? The clone looks down and appears ashamed. I make Xerox copies of my butt.

Commander Data has to explain that a Xerox became a generic term for an ancient machine that copied paper. I figure any joke Data tells would have to have a punch line that he ends up explaining.

* oo-mox - A Ferengi word to describe the sensations they feel when their ears are stimulated.

What'styhe difference between the Starship Enterprise and a beat-up hulk that is still trying to start out after centuries of trying?

OPne is Star Trek, and the other is Start Wreck.

What's the difference between right and wrong?
How they are spelled

What have Left and Wrong in common?

This isn't much of a joke either.

Both are sinister

A man named Deter sinister would be a contradiction in terms.

I thought I would just throw in here (Spoiler: this is not a joke) that since lockdown began I have been trawling this thread and sending a joke a day to my 3 sons and one of their wives (the one whose English is up to it).

There have been about 10 jokes so far that I could send them. As I'm sending them to my kids, I can hardly go for any dirty ones, so that excludes about 90% of the posts. I also avoid all stereotypes (men, women, blondes, mothers-in-law, various nationalities etc)

Several jokes appear at regular intervals. These are never the best ones, either. Only one is clean - it occurs right on the first page for the first time, the one about Sherlock and Watson.Every time someone posts one of these repetitive jokes, they prefix it with a comment that it hadn't been posted before, or that they are new. Sometimes they apologise that they haven't read the backlog and it may be a repeat.

The thread was started 20 years ago by someone who was looking for something to laugh at because she was pregnant. The child will now have finished university. Tiger Lily, the woman in question, will also be 20 years older (as are we all!). She never returned to the thread. Hope she got some laughs out of it.

Sometimes, but very rarely, an never for more than about 6 posts, there is topic drift. And quite a bit of trolling.

You can trace the course of history by which US President is currently the butt of jokes (often the same joke, just different President). I am up to Bill Clinton. There is one about Donald Trump. But it dates back to 2001!

Sometimes it's painful when someone doesn't get a joke and it has to be explained to them - in one case it took about 3 posts till they got it!

Some of them are those long lists you used to get by e-mail. Often parodies on Windows, or generalisations about men and women. Amusingly, there is one that goes "You know you live in 2003 when...." This is repeated a year later with exactly the same content, but "You know you live in 2004 when...."

Some of them actually made me laugh.

Just thought I'd note that down whilst I'm here.

I have been wondering about those kind of statistics before, so thanks.

In my case I wondered how many times the word Chocolate would have passed in the "Word Association" thread (out of 73109 words so far)

Sorry they weren't "proper" statistics. I'm not going back through them again. I could, however, just copy out the ones I thought were worth sending on to my recipients. They are vetted, correctly spelt and punctuated, and guaranteed to have amused me personally.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side

Watson? I will take a quick look at the TV guide. When I leave home, I Sherlock the door. Are they new or knew?

Watson the telly now?

Thank you TC, that is surely a fertile source for research.

I for one would love to see your top ten (or twenty).

Yes. I agree. So we know what we have to live up to.

Sometimes reality seems a joke.

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex !

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a baby.
Don't get rattled.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a barometer.
You're looking a bit under the weather.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two buses, three cars and a lorry.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a car
You must be going round the bend.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock.
Don't worry - you're just a little wound up.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a comedian.
You must be joking!

What's the most popular toy?

Mr. Potato Head. he has a lot of ap-peel.

I had trouble paying for my groceries this morning.

My phone didn't recognise me in my mask.