A Conversation for Miscellaneous Chat

Tell Us A Joke

Post 17221

Paigetheoracle

A pence for your thought on the next election


Tell Us A Joke

Post 17222

Icy North

UK?

Too early to tell. Depends whether opposition parties can muster an inspirational leader amongst them. It’ll also be interesting to see whether the Brexit supporters continue to bother voting once we’re out.


Tell Us A Joke

Post 17223

Icy North

Ah, just realised this is the joke thread. The joke’s on me smiley - jester


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Post 17224

Paigetheoracle

When an electrician goes to a holiday resort, does he expect it to be an ohm away from ohm?


Tell Us A Joke

Post 17225

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

I don't know watt you are talking about.

Unless....


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Post 17226

Paigetheoracle

I re-fuse to be shocked by your comment, even though I sing the body electric


Tell Us A Joke

Post 17227

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

When Edison electrocuted an elephant, some of his workers re-volted in protest.


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Post 17228

Paigetheoracle

Ohm my God!


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Post 17229

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

Wire we going on about electricity?


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Post 17230

Paigetheoracle

I don't know.The subject came like a Volta out of the blue


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Post 17231

Paigetheoracle

I saw a sign 'Plant for hire,' so I rented a rose bush to impress the neighbours


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Post 17232

Paigetheoracle

I think the tobacco industry should have a slogan like wake up and smell the coffee, only theirs should be wake up and hear the coughing


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Post 17233

Paigetheoracle

For vampires it could be wake up and open the coffin


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Post 17234

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

It isn't the cough that carries you off,
But the coffin they carry you off in.


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Post 17235

Paigetheoracle

I knew that would come up.

I love reading murder mysteries in communist countries, they are full of red herrings


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Post 17236

Array

Died after ingesting the red dye?


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Post 17237

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

"I heard you were dead," I said ton the beauty salon owner.

"Only my hair dyed," she replied.


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Post 17238

logicus tracticus philosophicus

What it's like to be British

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again


Tell Us A Joke

Post 17239

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

What it's like to not be British

--You watch those BBC imports on your local public TV station, and pretend to understand what the characters are saying, even though their accents make this almost impossible. The other people assume that you love a particular show because they see you watching it again and again. What you're *really* doing is trying to figure out what the characters are saying.

--Envying your British co-worker who is always clever and well-spoken.

--Suffering the leader of your own country. Every time you're in the checkout line in your supermarket, you see that Princess who is always so calm and self-assured on the covers of those magazines. We can't have a royal family. John Adams and George Washington saw to that. Drat!

--Wondering what "Blancmange" and "Bubble and squeak" might taste like. You never see those things in your supermarket, though maybe you just haven't looked very hard for them.

--Wishing you could fill your car's gas tank with impreial gallons rather than the smaller gallon that your country provides. with a bigger gallon, you would get better ga mileage.


Tell Us A Joke

Post 17240

Recumbentman

The gallons may be slightly bigger, but so is the price, enormously.


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