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Post 17341

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

smiley - laugh

Initials figure prominently in this song by Allen Sherman:

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=harvey+and+sheila+youtube&sp=-1&pq=harvey+and+sheila+youtube&sc=1-25&qs=n&sk=&cvid=53BE6671D41E4D969E01525EDDC8D475&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3dharvey%2band%2bsheila%2byoutube%26form%3dQBLH%26sp%3d-1%26pq%3dharvey%2band%2bsheila%2byoutube%26sc%3d1-25%26qs%3dn%26sk%3d%26cvid%3d53BE6671D41E4D969E01525EDDC8D475&view=detail&mmscn=vwrc&mid=BF5F2C1DEC90244A4B78BF5F2C1DEC90244A4B78&FORM=WRVORC


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Post 17342

Rosa Baggins

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

Q: What video game do they play in igloos?
A: Snow Fortnite.

Q: What kind of mathematics do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.

Q: If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.


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Post 17343

Caiman raptor elk - Escaping the Array

My browser says it is not syncing. I wonder what keeps it afloat.


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Post 17344

Recumbentman

What happens when the Guinness runs out?



[Collapse of stout party]


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Post 17345

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

I think it's appropriate that Howard keel was in the cast of "Show Boat." (1950s)

Also that i the 1930s version, Paul kept his Robes on.


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Post 17346

Recumbentman

Appropriate also that the character Patches (in the 2004 film DodgeBall) was played by Rip Torn.


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Post 17347

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

smiley - laugh

I'm waiting o see helen Hunt in a film about a safari.


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Post 17348

Recumbentman

"Think your account is secure?" by Ike N. Hackett


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Post 17349

logicus tracticus philosophicus

Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a hospital. As always, he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.
Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said, "I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll?" "Good question", noted the ward manager, "we save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible." "Oh" he said somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes", replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her, "we ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs". Hancock was determined to fluster the ward manager. So on they went to the next ward. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here too we do not like wasting", said the manager.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this exact time, they send us a complete prick


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Post 17350

Space Attorney- Hitchhiker by day, loser by night

A man is driving when he notices a hitchhiker standing on the side of the road. He pulls over and lets her in, then continues driving. After a few minutes of silence, the hitchhiker asks "Why did you let me in? How are you sure I'm not a serial killer?" to which the man replies:
"What are the odds that there are two serial killers in this car?"


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Post 17351

logicus tracticus philosophicus

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in their new Hollywood blockbuster The Great Composers!
“I wanna be Beethoven,” said Stallone.
“I gotta be Mozart,” added Willis.
“What about you, Arnie?” they asked.


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Post 17352

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

From a Burns and Allen TV episode: Hary Morton, the balding and gruff husband says



"That's neither here nor there."

His wife Blanche replies,

"If you're talking about your hair, it certainly isn't here."


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Post 17353

logicus tracticus philosophicus

Arnie said: I'll be Bach....boom boom..




How do fleas get from place to place?






By itch-hiking!


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Post 17354

Rosa Baggins

"Then just as the headsman swings the axe and the blade is about to fall, the count says: "Wait, wait, I'll talk!", but it was too late. And the moral to the story is: Never hatchet your counts before they chicken.


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Post 17355

logicus tracticus philosophicus

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.


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Post 17356

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

I was working in the dairy one night, when the electricity went off. I was able to use the light cream to see my way to the exit.


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Post 17357

logicus tracticus philosophicus

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in


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Post 17358

logicus tracticus philosophicus

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”
You’re gonna hate me for this…
Hold on to your seat…
The third piggy says—
“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home


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Post 17359

paulh, making lemonade from the lemons that life has given me

I bet that that third pig is a boar at parties.


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Post 17360

logicus tracticus philosophicus

Just read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels. They used a trebuchet with the only ordinance they could find a decapitated peasant's head. This being the first recorded use of a serf-face-to-heir-missile....


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