"Is this fruit fresh?"

"I'll say! It insulted me a minute ago."


"This coffee tastes like mud."

"It ought to. It was ground this morning."


I'd rather have a bottle in fornt of me than a frontal lobotomy


Thank you for visiting my space. :-)

Our procrastination lessons have been postponed. We were considering scheduling apathy lessons instead, but we finally realized that we didn't care.


Top ten ways of knowing if an egg has gone bad:

10. You notice it selling drugs on the streetcorner.
9. It always seems to be leaning against Humpty Dumpty whenever he sits on walls.
8. It doesn't phone its mother. Heck, it doesn't even write.
7. It cheats the Easter Bunny every time the two play cards.
6. It refuses to come out of its shell when guests come to dinner.
5. It moons Faberge at every opportunity.
4. It refuses to go to any functions if the chicken will be there, because it wants to discourage speculation as to which came first.
3. It leads kitchen revolts on Egg Foo Yung Day.
2. It refuses to show up for the annual Easter Egg Roll.
1. It smells bad even if you cut off its nose



Potato chip, thou noble slab of starch,
With freckles brown bedotted 'round an arch,
Granitic fat doth sparkle on thy rim,
To thee I dedicate this little hymn.

Some Philistines with ketchup thee would drench,
Or use thee for a spade to dig a trench
In Onion dip or salsa. Tis a bane!
For I prefer thee in thy state most plain.


Brass fanfare, followed by lush chords
from the string section, and an insistent
drumbeat. On the screen, stars are whizzing
past at Warp 11

Welcome to tonight's episode of "In Search
of Lost minds." In our last episode, the valiant
crew of the Czarship Roamin' Off rescued
Princess Anesthesia from a red star. Ratsputum,
the Czar's counselor, had suggested a tourniquet,
which Czar Nickelass mistakenly interpreted as a
tournament. So now the whole population of the
spaceship was playing bridge.

CZAR Nickelass: Okay, I bid hearts....


Scene: Notre Dame Cathedral. It is the 13th century,
or maybe the 15th century. Esmeralda has been quietly
hiding a humpback whale in the belltower for years,
but he is soon to be flushed from his hiding place.
His name is Quasimoby. Someday he will be known as the
Humpback of Notre Dame.

Impressive music weaving together the themes "Dit dat dittum,
dattum, wattum, choo!" and "Hi ho, hi ho, A Whaling we will go."


We now resume our normally silly programming :-) Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. Have a drink. Ignore the strange creatures that scurry for the shadows as soon as you notice them out of the corner of your eye. They're probably just harmless carnivorous saber-toothed squirrels that haven't eaten in a month or so. Nothing we can't handle if we have major weapons at our disposal. Not that I have any. I hope you brought yours. :-) Down this hall to the left, we have a nice modern bathroom complete with shower. The cleaning staff has done a very good job of removing the last traces of blood from the shower stall. Even Mrs. Bates couldn't tell anybody had been murdered there. Wait, did I say murdered? Ha, ha, slip of >the tongue. I meant to say christened. The two words are so much alike, it's easy to get them mixed up. whistle The dining room boasts an enormous chandelier. It's a replica of a chandelier that Marie Antoinette was very fond of before her head got cu... Oh, there I go again, ha, ha! I meant to say before she cut her little finger while cutting cake to give to the poor, starving masses. Anyway, the dining room is right over a major fault line, so in the event that there's an earthquake, you won't want to be under the chandelier. The guy who installed it was a pastry chef who had never done any building before. He was cheap, though, which was a good thing. So, enjoy your stay at my page. If you need anything, just yell...

WELCOME TO THE POSTMODERNIST SMILEY ART GALLERY I call this one "Meaningless Random Smiley Cluster"tomatobluebutterflybruisedorangefishillcuddlespiderbubblybiggrinmoonstiffdrinkermelfrocketchickflyhiwowschooloffishstrawberryclownsmoochrosethiefkissthiefnahnahxmaspudbigeyessantahotdog

This may not answer your questions about me, but....Who is Paul H. and Why is he Harmly Mostless? If you are visiting my space for the first time, welcome! You will probably never get to meet me in person. You might not even want to :-). I am 5'4" tall, with a bushy moustache and thick (some would say unruly)grey hair (Update: closer to white now). We won't discuss my weight ;-). I have a penchant for collecting things: birthdays (I';ve accumulated 71 of them so far), music recordings, funny songs, dinnerware patterns, pumpkins, recipes, and clutter. My house is expected to sink into the swamp any minute now. (Update: 18 years later, and thwe swamp still won't allow this to happen) biggrin I used to work at the reference desk in a public library south of Boston, Massachusetts. This means that I accumulated thousands of odd facts over the years, which I insert into many of the discussion threads that I participate in. It's lucky that the only kind of tomatoes anyone can throw at me are the virtual kind. :-) Come back often, as I make changes to my site fairly often -- today' revision was only 18 years later. At this pace, I may soon get out of breath.

HOW TO SPELL MY NAME WITH SMILEYS pumpkin = Pangel = Aufo = U laugh = Lhotdog = H:-) Honorary Patron Saint of Ragtime Vogon Poetry :-)


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paulh. Antisocial distancing works a well as the Social kind

Researcher U176638



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