h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Regarding the application of two countries to join NATO: this is not the Finnish that Putin had in mind

S8X AFTER DEATH!!!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s8x after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s8x. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s8x a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s8x the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a f8cking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"

This couple has a young son named Edward who is struggling in math in school. They try tutors, extra hours of teaching at his school and at home. Nothing seems to be getting through. They switch schools and each time, the schools tell the parents that them that Edward is bright, but he doesn’t pay attention in school and doesn’t often do his homework.
At wits end, they hear about a Catholic school that has had incredible breakthroughs when dealing with underperforming students. Not being religious or Catholic, they decide it is all or nothing to help Edward.
The first day of school comes and they drop Edward off. A whole day of nerves wrack them. Together they go to pick him up from school.
“How was school?”
“Good.” Not much else.
“Do you have homework?”
“Yes. I am going to do it right away.”
Understand that before this, every night they had to fight to get Edward to even consider doing his homework. Today, he takes his school backpack and goes upstairs.
Hours pass. They sneak up and see Edward is carefully working and writing out his homework. Not wanting to break his concentration they say nothing.
The next day, same thing. The day after that, same thing. Weeks go by and Edward is really focused on his math. The parents are just about to explode wanting to know what has happened.
Finally, they must know, and they ask him directly.
Edward takes in a deep breath and lets it go slowly. “When I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were really serious about math!”

We were trying to put together a team for our new work project. So far we had only one person sign up, but our boss said he would be sufficient. "We have Justin Nuff," the boss said.

"We are meeting here today to celebrate the success of our XS platform, which had just broken all previous sales records. As we pass out the champagne, let's drink to XS."

Two Scotsmen die and find themselves in Hell. After a few days the Devil decided to go and check on them.
He finds them lying out with their "taps aff" enjoying the heat. So the Devils mutters to himself, I will sort you out.
He goes down to the furnace and cranks it up, it so hot even the demons are looking for some shade or a cool spot.
The Devil goes back to the two Scots, by now they have managed to get some cold beers and some patio furniture and are now stripped down to their boxer shorts.
He says to them, "What is it with you two?" They reply, "We are Scots, have you seen the weather in Scotland? This is braw and hot"
The Devil thinks to himself, I will sort you two out, so he goes back to the furnace and turns it off, it suddenly it gets very cold, the demons are hugging each other to try and keep warm, some of the other inhabitants are snuggling under blankets and duvets and the great lake of fire has frozen for the first time in history.
The Devil goes back to the two Scots, they are dancing around and shouting, "Scotland, Scotland".
The Devil is a bit annoyed by now and asks what on Earth are they doing?
The two Scots reply, "Hell has frozen over and Scotland has won the FIFA World Cup".

What happens when a giant duck comes up from out of the ground? You get an earthquack

I bought a package of peas, carrots, corn and green beans. I drove over a very rough road getting them home, after which they were vexed migetables

She was a top student who helped make things for a bake sale. She belonged to Pie Beta Kappa

Gavin Williamson resigns to appear on Bullseye
After all
you can't beat a bitter bully

He specialized in going from one country to another handing pistols to people. He had a duel citizenship.

My friend gave me a herbal drink yesterday and it tasted of nothing.

I said, what's in this, and she said, it's made of oats.

I said, healthy living is a fine aspiration, but come on, this is just oaty tea.

How many Marvel Characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but every couple of months another one changes the same lightbulb.

With his landslide reelection as governor, Ron De Santis is the GOP's heir apparent. Trump is the error parent.

Little robin, in a tree,
Sings to fellow fluffy darters:
Better leave this patch to me
Or I'll have your guts for garters.

If Elon Mush were to come back as a plant, he would be a muskmelon

If your surname was Fürst, would you call your son Hugo?

Or Laydice if it is a daughter

My sirname is Laughsalot

RISHI SUNAK was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Sunik if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ...'TRAGEDY'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen,... wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor runs ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' ' 'No', said Rishi - 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skool bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy' 'I'm afraid not', explained Rishi - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss''
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rishi searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane kerryin' you and the Tory Cabinet wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Rishi. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss..... and it probably widnae be a fkn accident either!

It was part of a wheel. I didn't notice it until it spoke

The sculptor got a brilliant idea for winning a contest. He forged a head.

He stood up at the town meeting and said, "You have been hearing rumors that I was once a convicted felon. I'm here to assure you that those rumors are false, or my name isn't Mayor Culpa."