h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sounds like a hair-raising experience.

So today was surreal.... I was following an ambulance out of town when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right, the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the kerb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. Whoops , that’s a serious mistake I thought, so unsure if the ambulance was going to DGH I called the A&E Dept and explained what I had found. The lady on the other end of the phone said “Yes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box”. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied “No, we’ll just send a toe truck.”

Nice one

Mary Poppins was so fond of birds that she sang "Feed the birds." She was pigeon-toed.

A friend suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries, not doing that again, I'm going back to whipped cream....

She was only a farmer's daughter, but all the horse men knew 'er (horse manure)

What does Simba my cat wear at night?
He wears his Paw-jamas.

Simply Red singer Mick Hucknall was found earlier today by Merseyside police having sex with a rabbit in a field! A spokesperson from the Merseyside force said when they found him he was holding back the ears shouting "Bunnies too tight to mention"

What did Caesar's opponents use for ammunition in the Battle of Alesia?

Gaul stones.

There weren't enough spices for Rome's pizzas, so Caesar tried to seize some from neighboring countries. Thus began the Garlic wars.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend.
And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend, he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike.” "But", he said, "why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas, as I asked you to do?”
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!

Did you know that God asked Noah to build a second ark? Shortly after finishing the first one God said to Noah I’d like you to build me another one this time I want it to have lots of different levels. What do you want to put in it enquired Noah, fish said God. What type of fish ? Carp said God. Why said Noah. Well said God I’ve always fancied owning a multi story carp ark.

I had a sinking feeling about that story as I was reading it.

driving this morning saw a RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown. .....
{yeah he may need to go to the AA, if he carries on like that...(before some one suggests it)]