h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I did not nick your joke...I saw it on TV...YEARS ago.

Satan to lawyer: "I will make you fabulously wealthy. You will spend your time indulging your every wish, eating, drinking, basking in the sun, making love to passionate and beautiful women. In return I want the souls of your wife and children who will rot in hell for eternity".

The lawyer thinks for a while, then says "So where's the catch?"

(P.S. - I hope this hasn't been told before!!)

It has - here:
http://www.h2g2.com/A230400
but I don't mind.

How about this one:
Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of
a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

<BB<

A man walked into a bar.





OUCH

What has two legs and bleeds?




Half a dog!

**Bad Taste Alert**
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A Bad reception never killed anyone (But Killed Rod Hull)!!

Albert and George are sitting in the lounge of their retirement home when Albert announces that it's his ninetieth birthday that day. George is of the opinion that the occasion should be marked in style, so he reviews with Albert all the things he would most like to do. Eventually Albert settles on streaking through the ladies' dormitory.

So late that night (about half past nine, after cocoa) the two conspirators assemble outside the laides' dormitory. Albert removes his clothes and folds them over his Zimmer frame, George opens the door and Albert is off on the streak of a lifetime!

Edna and Beatrice are strategically placed in the middle of the room. They watch in stunned silence as Albert totters slowly from one end to the other, turns round, and totters back again. He leaves the dormitory and the door swings slowly shut. The two old ladies look at each other for some time wordlessly, then Edna asks:

"Wasn't that that nice Mr Edwards?"

"I do believe it was, dear."

"What was he wearing?"

"I couldn't really see, dear, but it certainly needed ironing!"

A lawyer, a doctor, and a priest walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?!"

The point was, I'd already told a similar joke, and it didn't need telling again.
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What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Welsh Sheep Farmer?

The Rollling Stones Said "Hey you Get Off My Cloud"
A Welsh sheep farmer says "Hey McCloud get of ma ewe"

Why don't men get mad cow disease?


Because they're pigs.

(NOTHING PERSONAL, all you male types!

Mc-something is Scottish, not Welsh.
Just nitpicking, take no offence.

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Hiya - as Christmas is coming up in a month, I'm hoping to learn some Christmas jokes. But I don't know any! If you know any Christmas jokes, or jokes about winter, snow, anything vaguley Christmas-like, can you let me know here: http://www.h2g2.com/F29080?thread=88873 thanks. :-) Oh, and as I don't want to be accused of spamming - which I'm not, honest! - I'll leave you with a joke :-) A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does. But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide.He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each. The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don't even play tennis, but if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cashier." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

Oh, depressed (way up at the top, at least) -- now, we can't have that...

*decides to safeguard a bit with a disclaimer*

And you did say "Tell me a joke that'll make me smile, the sillier, the ruder, the better". Now, blonde jokes - are they silly, rude or just better?

Anyway, a group of 7-8 blondes walks into a bar, exuberant, high fiving, patting each others back, buying rounds for everyone. And, all the time the shout "34" and everytime they get even more merry.

Finally, the bartender asks: "OK, what's all the 34ing about?"

One of the blondes explains. "See, we just finished this puzzle. On the box it said 2-3 years -- and we did it in 34 days....!"

Heh heh.
I need cheering up, having missed many a coursework deadline and being v. depressed. Hormones, too.
blonde joke:
There's a competition sort of thing going on in a big football stadium, to try and prove that blondes aren't dumb. there are 40000 blondes packed in there, with one in the middle answering questions. the host starts off, and he says "what's 43 minus 40?" the blonde says "44" and 40000 blondes yell out "give 'er another chance, give 'er another chance!", so the host tries another one. "What's 10 plus 6?" "60" says the blonde, and 40000 blondes yell out "give 'er another chance, give 'er another chance!" so the host tries one more time. "OK, so what's 2 + 2?" "4" says the blonde, and before the host can congratulate her, 40000 blondes are shouting "give 'er another chance, give 'er another chance!"
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Celba...since you've appointed yourself the joke police, perhaps you should read ALL the back log to make sure nobody tells the same type joke in a different way...we wouldn't want to have variety here, now would we?!? (see-you're not the only one with raging hormones!) Peace? ~Pan

My all time fav actor: Christopher Walken told this joke the other night on TV.

A duck goes into a drug store to buy some lip gloss. The clerk says, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Could you just put in on my bill?"

OK, point taken, I'm sorry. I just get a bit jealous when it comes to jookes
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Okay this one is a bit crude but what the hell:-

Man driving in his car see's a sign saying Blow Job Frog 2 miles, man looks at this and wonders.
As he drives near the signs get more frequent, so when he gets to the exit he comes off and follows the sign.
He reaches a farm, with the farmer at the gate so he approches.
"How much for the Frog?" the man asked
"$15" the farmer replys
"Does it work?" he asks
"Just get it home and hit it on the head and away it goes".
So the man thinks why not, buys the frog and drives home, when he gets there his wife is out shopping, Perfect he thinks.
So he goes into the bedroom to try his frog out.
His wife comes home about 15 minutes later and approches the house, only to hear strange noises from the kitchen.
She approches the window and looks in to see her husband standing in the middle of the kitchen with no clothes on, with a frying pan and hoover in his hands.
Curious she goes into the house and walks into the kitchen,
"What are you doing" she enquires
He points at the frog on the table and says "As soon as I teach this thing how to cook and clean your out of here!".

R :OP

uh yah. geriddle. ping!
have the smileys gone back to old weird slightly some of them?
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