h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Why did the horny walrus go to the tuperware party?


To find a tight seal.

This husband and wife are having a row over the man's drinking habits
"You always get back so late from the pub, if you do it again I'm leaving you"
The next night the man's driving back from work, he's had a really bad day and lost a lot of money, he's decided not to go to the pub 'cos he loves his wife. Suddenly he passes a pub which is gleaming as though it's made of Gold. He decides just to take a look. He walks up to the building and feels it and sure enough it's made of Gold. The man walks inside and is amazed to see everything is made of gold, the bar, the tables, the glasses, and when he goes for a pee even the urinal's made of Gold. Naturally he gets completely pissed and arrives back home very late. His wife is not happy, she starts packing. He tells her about the pub made of gold and she says,
"If you can prove that this pub exists I'll stay"
So frantically he looks through the phone book and eventually finds the pub. He rings up and says (he has a speakerphone thingy),
"Isn't your pub made of gold?"
"Yeah" says the barman
"And aren't the tables"
"Yep"
"And the Glasses"
"Yep"
"And the tables"
"Yep"
"And the Urinals"
"Err...[shouts to someone else in the pub]...Oi! Fred, I think I know who pissed in your saxophone"

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Zorpheus, you know too many rude jokes. hehe.
^. .^
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I try.


What do you call a gay dinosaur?






Mega-sor-ass

luvly.
^. .^
= ' =

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lick-alota-puss.

so you should be able to guess what this is...

... a Suckalotadick ?

oh-oh!

Am I starting to offend people?

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung

This guy wakes up in the morning, gets up and meets his wife in the bathroom. "Oh my God! You look terrible!" she cries. "What? That can't be, I'm feeling great!" he replies. Well, off he goes into the office and the first of his colleagues he comes across says "Man, what happened to you? You look like s**t, just terrible!" - "No, no, I'm feeling great!" he says. About two hours later he meets his boss. "Mr. Jones, you really should be here if you are that sick!" - "Thanks, boss. But I feel great!" And so on and so forth. After three days of this he's so pissed off at the whole situation that he decides to visit a doctor. The doc says "My son, you should have come here earlier, you look terrible!" He answers "Look, doc. That's what I've been hearing for the last days 'you look terrible'. The point is that I feel great!"
"Well, that's a strange condition. I'll have to consult my books". So the doc takes the biggest of his books and starts flipping through it. Soon he finds the entry for 'looks terrible' and goes on searching for the sub-heading 'feels great'. He reads, scratches his head and finally says "According to my book you are a vagina!"

great. any chance of less rude/offensive jokes? or funny rude/offensive jokes?
^. .^
= ' =

No chance at all.


What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.

Or....

Edna went into her local Arkansas branch of Victoria's Secret to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.

Edna put them on and waited for her husband, Ralph, to get home from work. When Ralph arrived, Edna was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. With a wide smile across her face, Edna asked, "Want some of this?"

Ralph took just one look and said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..."

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.

I like that one Zorpheus

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

Someone actually complimented me on my driving today, they left me a notice on my windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine' so that was nice

I like that. Try this...

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

(From the same source)
If you scream in a library, everyone tells you to shush - do it on an airplane and everyone joins in.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?


About three inches.