A Conversation for Miscellaneous Chat

Tell Us A Joke

Post 181

Zorpheus - I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?


Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?



Because they don't have penises to put them in


WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?



So he can tell if he's coming or going


Tell Us A Joke

Post 182

Clelba

too true, too true
i spose. not that I'd know.
^. .^
= ' =
smiley - angelsmiley - choc
smiley - blackcatsmiley - cat


Tell Us A Joke

Post 183

Spaceechik, Typomancer

On a Higher note:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish!!" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific? The concrete and steel it would take? I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes God said, "YOU WANT TWO LANES OR FOUR ON THAT BRIDGE????"

(But we women are SO-O-O worth it! smiley - winkeye )

SC smiley - planet






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Post 184

Clelba

too true too true hehehe
^. .^
= ' =
smiley - angelsmiley - choc
smiley - blackcatsmiley - cat


Tell Us A Joke

Post 185

Researcher 165848

C'mon girls give us a break,were all working. Tell you a secret; if you could wrap s**t in tinfoil,you could sell it on the street,but nothing beats teamwork,WhereYhaaaaat,
Chief Squeeky Shoes


Tell Us A Joke

Post 186

Clelba

gajhulp?
^. .^
= ' =
smiley - angelsmiley - choc
smiley - blackcatsmiley - cat


Tell Us A Joke

Post 187

Zorpheus - I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"


Tell Us A Joke

Post 188

Clelba

hehe, that's quite funny!!
^. .^
= ' =
smiley - angelsmiley - choc
smiley - blackcatsmiley - cat


Tell Us A Joke

Post 189

Zorpheus - I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

Ahh spending the day trying to make a cat laugh, What fun...


The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation
that the church needed some extra money. He asked the
people to consider donating a little more than usual into
the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most
would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering
plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed
that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with
his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the
person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet,
elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked
her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and
said, "I'll take him and him and him."


Tell Us A Joke

Post 190

plaguesville

Surprised I haven't seen this here. Hope I'm not too late.

Monicagate - the truth.
The Pres was working late & sent for a snack. It was brought to him by the only intern around. He tasted the food - it was awful.
"I think you're trying to poison me." he said.
"I didn't prepare it - it was your regular chef." said she.
"What the guy that I particularly selected?"
"Yes Sir."
"What's your name Honey?"
Monica, Sir."
"Well, Monica, Sack my cook."


Tell Us A Joke

Post 191

Leanne (ACE and Scout)

Jake was on his deathbed.

His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said."Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan."Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you." smiley - winkeye


Tell Us A Joke

Post 192

Zorpheus - I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

I love this one.....

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then
you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot.
I don't wan to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new
procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then
anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little
turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows.

"It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts,

"those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't
leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
smiley - biggrin


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Post 193

Leanne (ACE and Scout)

Thats sick!


Removed

Post 194

Zorpheus - I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

This post has been removed.


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Post 195

Rainbow (Slug No Longer!!)

Zorpheus - where do you get all your jokes from? They brighten up my day!!


Tell Us A Joke

Post 196

Zorpheus - I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

I have a mind that is full of lots of garbage, a brother, and some friends that like jokes about as much as I do.

Glad I could brighten someones day! smiley - biggrin It make this seem like I'm doing something worth-wild. I guess I will continue then.

I just got this one a minute ago, not really a joke but pretty good, and makes a bunch of sense if you know how they are educating (HA!) children (in the US, at least) these days.

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school.

He talks about how feel-good politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.




Tell Us A Joke

Post 197

Pink Paisley

A bear walks int a bar and says to the barman, "give me a gin and......................................................................................................................................................tonic".

The barman says,"why the big paws"


Tell Us A Joke

Post 198

Silly Willy

We've probably had these, but anyway:

A man walks into a bar and says, "ouch"

What's got two-legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog

What's brown and sticky?
A stick


Tell Us A Joke

Post 199

Zorpheus - I'm so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees"


Tell Us A Joke

Post 200

Clelba

hehehe, I like that one.
^. .^
= ' =
smiley - angelsmiley - choc
smiley - blackcatsmiley - cat


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