h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally
together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you
mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Six people (5 men and 1 woman) survive by using a raft to float to a deserted island.

After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely; extremely horny. They all come to an agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week.
The first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting their needs filled. This goes on for two years and everyone is happy with the plan. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets a great variety of delights.
A few weeks into the third year, the woman suddenly dies. Needless to say, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is worse, the third week it's nearly unbearable, the fourth week things are bad beyond words. The fifth week it is just awful. In fact it's getting so bad that on the sixth week.... They bury her.

Have we had the one about .....

There's a little fish swimming down the stream one day and suddenly it keels over. Well, lots of people are stood around and they try to resuscitate it with mouth to mouth and CPR, you know the sort of thing.

Unfortunately the little fishy is stone cold dead, so they take it to the morgue for an autopsy. They put it on the slab and the surgeon-type gets out his scalpel and slices into the fishy's belly. Out come all these syringes and pills .... it was a drug haddock!!

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great.
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There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

lol

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy. limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

luvly. I've aid that before, haven't I?
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The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When e lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

Women console men for problems they wouldn't have without them.

Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the
time.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


Why do men have holes in their penis?
So they can get oxygen to their brains.


Why do women find it hard to find men that are sensitive,caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute Sexual Harassment

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side

A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor.
He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed." she says.

"Well, strip down to your waist." He orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, "No wonder the baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in
today."

Council House Complaints

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my nob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Their 18-year-old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a hell of a noise, but the fence is now sagging in the middle.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much. It's all right when my husband is on the day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or
nights I get it several times a week from Mr Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed the door the other night, she pulled at my knob too hard and now it's ready to fall off.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden

Three guys are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...
The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"

great.
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Harhardihar.
Ali G went to a fancy dress party.
Someone there came up to him and said "what are you here as?"
he replied "a snail"
so the person says, "well, what's that on your back then?"
he says, "oh, dat's mi shell (michelle)"

sorry, it's not amazingly funny and it works better spoken rather than written, but i thought i'd say something.
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