h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

AS little Jimmy is leaving church, he stops to shake hands with the preacher. The lad said, "Sir, when I grow up I'm going to get a job and give ALL my money to you!" Surprised, the preacher said, "Why would you do that son?" The little boy replied, "Because I heard my father say you are the poorest preacher we have ever had!!!"

What's brown and sticky?















A stick

What's got two legs and bleeds?
























Half a dog

"Hear about the dyslexic pimp.............................
















He bought a warehouse."

A man fell into a vat of Christmas cake mix and drowned.
Police say he was overcome by the strong currants

well har-di-har
^. .^
= ' =

Hey - no one said it was a funny joke.

A man walked into a bar looking sad, & the bartender asked what was wrong? The man said, "My wife & I had an awful fight & she said she wouldn't speak to me for a month! The month is up today!"

"ROFL "

Okay Sultandude, here's one for you...since you live a 'wild' sort of life. (insert wink here...still p*ssed they messed up the wink smilie)
A panda walks into a bar, & orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, shoots the waiter & leaves. The bartender yells after the panda, "Hey what are you doing?!? You shot my waiter & never paid for your sandwich!" "Hey man, I'm a panda, look it up!"
The bartender calls the police. While waiting he opens his dictionary to 'panda' and reads: "A tree - dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, chacterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

*ROFL again!*

"Curiousity killed the cat- gruesome rituals brought it back"


Not exactly a joke, but.....

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I sup-posed to handle this?
Somebody?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not ac-commodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party. The days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the des-sert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss any-thing?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based God-dess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic toma-toes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, man-agement has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas at this time.

There's a variation on that one:
Why's the Australian male like a wombat? He eats roots and leaves.

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ROFLSTC.
OK, it's a bit offensive, but hey.
^. .^
= ' =

why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
because he was dead.
why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
because he was glued to the first.
why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
because he though it was a game.

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yeah yeah, great.
^. .^
= ' =

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