h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Er, the one that made me laugh was about the hen! I have no idea how I got down here! (Have you had your baby then?")

A cowboy rides into a dusty little town in Mexico. He ties his horse outside the saloon & goes in to wash the dust out of his mouth. After he drinks his beer he leaves, only to find the town pranksters have taken his horse! He retuns to the saloon & w/o even looking, draws his gun & tosses it into the air and catches it
w/o a glance & shoots the light in the ceiling 'CRASH'! He orders up another beer. Turns his back to the bar while drinking the beer, flicks back his hat an says,"Now, I knows yoos justa fun'un with me...don't MAKE me do what I done in Texas! Nope!
I'd hate like Hell ta' have ta' do what I done in Texas! I'll give yall 'til I finish this here beer to return my hous! And ifn' it ain't out thar
I'm a gonna' have ta' do what I done in Texas!" He drinks his beer, tosses a coin onto the bar & walks outside. There, just as he had left it, is his horse!
As the cowboy rides away , the barkeeper runs through the saloon doors & calls out, "Hey, stranger? What was it you done in Texas?" The cowbay turns back toward the barkeep and says,
"I walked!"

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"How many therapist does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light blulb REALLY has to want to change."
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"What goes Varoom! Screech! Varoom! Schreech? A 'certian ethnic' man trying to drive through a flashing red light."
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"How do you make a car top? You tep on da' brwakes tupid!"
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M R ducks. M R not! S M R. C D E D B D feet? L B! M R ducks! I can C their E D B D eyes 2!

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"A fellow runs into a bar & orders double shots of burbon & tells the bartender to keep them coming! After his fifth double the bar tender & the other patrons gather around the men, thinking something must seriously be wrong for him to be downing doubles in such manner! The barkeeper say, "Say, fellow what's the problem?" The fellow orders another double and says, "Well, you'd be drinking them like this too if you had what I have!"
Nerviously the bartender asks the fellow what it is he has? The fellow finishes off the last double and says, "I have a dollar!"

A little girl comes home from her first day at school.
"Mummy, mummy, one of the big boys likes me. He gave me an ice-cream to climb up a tree."
Mother: "Don't be silly, dear. He only wanted to see you panties."

Next day...
"Mummy, mummy, the big boy gave me a whole dollat just climb up a tree."
"I told you not to do that. He only wants too see your panties."
"I know but I tricked him......I wasn't wearing any!!"

"GROAN!!!!!"

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ROFL!!!! LOL!!!!

INVATATION TO COME TO THE COOLEST PUB ON H2G2 http://www.h2g2.com?F52920?thread=74293 "The Crossed Purposes Pub has a menue being put together by the patrons, thanks to Kasia - fairy barmaid from Warsaw Poland. There's a juke box with every song ever recorded there. There are two fire places. One is mainly where pets hang out...I always keep some doggie downer dust in a pouch thats around my waist. Sometimes Gwennie's dog Spike thinks of my leg when he 'gets that lovn' feeln'!!!" "There's a magical box on the end of the bar. I gave it to the Pub as a welcome / greetings type gift. If you want anything & nobody's there to make it & you don't feel like going to the kichen & making yourself something, you just put a pinch of magic dust on the bar & the wanted item(s) shall appear. Sorry, only works for food & drinks." ;-)

Just this one, then I'm off for the pup.....

A very good magician has hypnotised an entire audience. He has them under his complete control and they will do whatever he tells them to do. Unfortunately, at the vital moment he trips over the microphone cord, lands on his rear and says "Sh**!"

ooh, I meant 'pub', and then I came across this one:

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00.
Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read:
"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

"Saddly it's true!" LOL!!!!!

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Er... I just bit my tongue."

~^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~8~

* shys back from the loudspeakers where some rattlesnake seems to be in *
Ooops.
Well, here's another one:

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, thn he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said, seeming to get slightly annoyed.
He really latched onto a weird one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

My best one is on the "So Long and Thanks for Laughing" space, but I have another favorite:

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians don't like *any* witnesses!

Don't come crying to me if you're of the Italian persuasion or a member of the Mafia. I feel your pain.

What's BROWN and smells FUNNY?







Clown poo.

A sixteen year old girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has Herpes."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!"

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

As 1/2 Cherokee I can tell this & care not whom I offend

Chief Bowel gets a notice from the government that he has to pack his fanily & move from the reservation within one month. This upsets Bowel very much. He goes to the City to the highrise
the return address has on it. Being the very 1st time in a modern bldg. the Chief goes into the first office he comes to, which happens to be a Doctor's office. The Dr. has him enter his office & sits him on the table. "What seems to be the problem with you hey Chief?" The Indian answers,"Chief Bowels no move!" Oh, I see." said the Dr. "Take two of these every day for a week & come back to see me." The Cheif does as he's told. One week later he goes back to the Dr.'s office. The Dr. remembers the fellow & askes how everyhing is going? "No go!" says Cheif Bowel. "Hmm, that's odd...well, then take two of these every 12 hours...two as the sun comes up & two as the sun goes down.
That should take care of everything, but come back to see me in a week." A week later the Chief goes back to see the Dr. When asked how things have been moving along? The Cheif angerly replies...,"Chief Bowel No MOVE!!!!" The Dr. is astonished! He gives the Chief the strongest laxitive there is & instructs him to take two at sunrise, two at high noon & two at sunset...& tells him to come back in one week. One week later a very mad Chief comes into the Dr.'s office. The Dr. sees his expression & says, "Don't tell me there's STILL no movement?!?" The indian frowns and replys, "Oh Chief Bowels gonna' move!!! We have to...Tee-Pee full of s**t!" (sorry )

How does a baseball team change a light bolb?











One holds it while the rest of the team drinks until the room starts spinning.