h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And:

There are two people on a ship. They have plenty of sigarettes, but no lighter. What do they do?



















They throw one of the sigarettes over board, and the boat becomes a sigarette lighter!

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8-Q *Pandora faints...has terrible nightmares of corn on the cob chashing her... "HHHHAAALPPPP!!!!"*

"Doctor, my problem is: nobody takes me serious!"
"You're kidding, man!"

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and realises that her husband is not in the bed with her.So the woman gets up and starts to look around the house.After a while she finds her husband in the kitchen in floods of tears.
"What is the mater dear" Asks the woman
Without looking up the man mutters
"Do you remember when we told your farther that I had got you pregnent,and he said I had the choice of marrying you, or going to prision?"
"Yes, of course I do" She replied
"Well I would have got out tonight" Sobbed the man.

A doctor is very surprised to find out that the man in front of him has one wooden testicle and one out of steel.
"Well, please tell me, do YOU have children?"
"Yes, " says the man, "I've got two sons: Pinocchio is five now, and Terminator seven!"

LOL at almost all the jokes. v. good.
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O.K. I heard this one today and thought it was great.

A women comes home from work early and finds her husband in bed with another women, with incredible strength from her fury she grabs her husband and drags him to the garage and puts his penis in the vice and tightens it then removes the handle. She then goes and gets a hacksaw. The husband see's this and screams "your not going to cut it off are you?" The wife says "no you are when I light the garage on fire".

I thought it was good

I heard this one a couple of days ago. It's not rude, except to solicitors.

A man finds a genie in a bottle, and the genie says "you can have three wishes, but for every one thing you wish for, every solicitor in the world gets two." So the man thinks, 'what do I want? A million quid' so he says, "a million quid please" to the genie. The genie says "OK, you get a million quid, and every solicitor in the world gets 2 million quid". The man thinks about his second wish. "I'd like a chateau in France" he says. The genie says "OK, you get a chateau in France and every soicitor gets two chateaus in France.. But you've still got one more wish."
The man says "Well, I've always thought it would be nice to donate a kidney"...

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A guy walks into a bar and has a drink, whilst he is drinking he looks around the bar. He turns to the barman and says "It is very quiet in here" the barman agrees and tells him that it is always quiet..

"Well I have something which will liven things up a bit" said the drinker, and proceeded to open a box he had beside him and took out a tiny grand piano. Then from another box stepped a tiny little man, who promptly started to play the little piano.

After a while the bar filled up with people coming in to see the little fellow playing the piano.

At the end of the evening the barman said that he had never been so busy, and could the guy and the little fellow come back again. "Any way" he said "where did you get the little piano and the little fellow from"

The guy sighed and said, "I was walking along the beach and found this old lamp in the sand and decided to keep it. I cleaned it off and suddenly there was a flash and a Genie appeared befor me". "Master" the Genie said "as owner of the lamp you are entitled to one wish". "That is great" said the barman, "what did you wish for".

The guy sighed again "The Genie must have been a little deaf, because I am sure I did'nt ask for a 12 inch pianist"

A guy walks into a bar and has a drink, whilst he is drinking he looks around the bar. He turns to the barman and says "It is very quiet in here" the barman agrees and tells him that it is always quiet..

"Well I have something which will liven things up a bit" said the drinker, and proceeded to open a box he had beside him and took out a tiny grand piano. Then from another box stepped a tiny little man, who promptly started to play the little piano.

After a while the bar filled up with people coming in to see the little fellow playing the piano.

At the end of the evening the barman said that he had never been so busy, and could the guy and the little fellow come back again. "Any way" he said "where did you get the little piano and the little fellow from"

The guy sighed and said, "I was walking along the beach and found this old lamp in the sand and decided to keep it. I cleaned it off and suddenly there was a flash and a Genie appeared befor me". "Master" the Genie said "as owner of the lamp you are entitled to one wish". "That is great" said the barman, "what did you wish for".

The guy sighed again "The Genie must have been a little deaf, because I am sure I did'nt ask for a 12 inch pianist"

Double Post!!!
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It starts off a bit slow, but keep reading at least till day three or four.

Exercise Diary: For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!!

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there were any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon exam or gum surgery.

A fellow finds a lamp on the beach, as he rubs the sand off a Geni appears. "I shall grant you three wishes...but the person you hate most in life will receive twice what you desire!" The man figures, what the heck...so he says, "I wish I had 10 million dollars!" Poof...10 million dollars apears...the Geni says, "at this very moment your mother-in-law just received 20 million dollars."
"Oh, but that's not fair!!! I hate my mother-in-law!" He thinks, then says, "for my second wish I want a home in every major port in the world." Poof...new homes in every major port appear. The Geni reminds him that his mother-in-law has just gotten two homes in every port. "Rrrr, that's just not fair...I hate that woman!"
"You have one wish," says the Geni, "Wish carefully!" The man thinks & thinks...suddenly his eyes sparkel with delight!!! He runs to his car & returns with a baseball bat. "Here," says the man, "I want you to take this bat & beat me half to death!"

Superman flies around in despair, as he was /lonesome/ for so long. There he sees Wonder Woman lying on the beach, with her legs wide apart...
Superman drops down, does his job and flys straight away.
"Bloody hell" says Wonder Woman, "What the hell was that ?"
"I don't know - but my back is in pieces" replies the Invisible Man.....

*giggles at last joke*

"As the Priest is saying good-bye to the worshipers a lady sobbing her eyes out begins to leave. The Priest says, "My dear woman what ever is the matter?" The woman looks up and says
thru tearful eyes, "My husband died this morning!" "Oh how awful for you!" The woman blinks back the tears as she says, "Yes, and I was right there when he died." "That must have been very stressful, " says the Priest. "Did your husband have a final request?" "Well, yes, he had just one Father." "What was it my dear woman?" "He asked that I put down the gun!"

What do donkeys in Blackpool get for lunch???


















About half an hour.


Sorry I know it's terrible

SOMEBODY NICKED MY JOKE AND CHANGED IT SLIGHTLY!!! I'M NOT AMUSED!!!!!!!!!
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Three nuns die and goto heaven. St Peter welcomes them at the gate with open arms.

"Ladies," he says, "in recognition of your long and pious lives you can go back to earth for seven days as anybody you like."

"Anyone?"

"Anyone."

The first nun says: "Can I be Marilyn Monroe, please?" St. Peter winks at her, claps his hands and she disappears in a puff of smoke.

The second nun thinks for a minute. "I would like to be Brigitte Bardot," she says with a shy grin. "Of course," says St Peter. "Have fun, now!" He claps his hands and she vanishes in a puff of smoke.

The third nun says "Can I really be anyone at all?" "Yes." "Well, in that case I want to be Sarah Pippelina."

"Who?"

"Sarah Pippelina."

"Who on earth is she?"

"She was in that big pink newspaper once. I think it was about Otober 1987."

"Big pink paper. You mean the Financial Times?"

"That's the one!"

So St Peter goes to the news archives and riffles through the papers for October 1987. And after about 20 minutes he comes to a front page with this headline:





















"400 Swedish Workmen Lay Sahara Pipeline In Seven Days"