h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A bloke walked into a bar.
Knocked himself out.

A bloke walks into a bar with tarmac on his shoulder. He says " 2 pints of lager please one for me and one for the road"

This white horse walks into a bar.
The barman says, there's a pub named after you down the road.
The horse says, what, Derek?

How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb?












Oh no, don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.

What would Lady Di be doing if she was alive?












scratching the lid of her coffin

A piece of tarmac is drinking in a bar, when a thin piece of red tarmac walks in and says "Buy me a drink!" He buys the drink, and the piece of red tarmac goes off to the other end of the bar.

So the barman asks him, "Why did you buy him the drink?" And the piece of tarmac replies "You don't want to argue with that guy. He's a bit of a cyclepath."

1.(with cockney accent)
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?


You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.




2.What's the difference between a street trader and a dacshund?


One balls out his wares on the pavement, the other wears.......

That's a myth (fostered by Dick van Dyke). Cockneys don't pronounce 'basin' to rhyme with 'bison'.

One for the techies

What goes 'Pieces of Seven , Pieces of Seven'?






A Parity Error!

*ROTFL*

What's brown and twiggy?










A twig.


(The stick joke above reminded me of this)

What is soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wakeup?





Vomit.
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How do you make a dog drink?











Put it in a blender.
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One day, a Smartie and a Polo were enjoying a quiet drink in a bar.
The bar door opened, and in walked a Humbug.
"Oh Sh*t" shouted the Polo, diving underneath the table.
"What are you doing?" said the Smartie.
"That humbug always slaps me and bullies me whenever I see him, so
I'm hiding", said the Polo.
"You should stand up to him" said the Smartie. "He'll respect you if
you do"

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a smack.
"Piss off you stripy t**t, or I'll knock you out" said Polo.
"Hey, no problem Polo mate, let's leave it" said Humbug.

The next night Polo & Smartie are sitting in the bar, when Humbug
walks in with his friend, Tune.
"Oh sh*t" shouted Polo, diving underneath the table.
"What are you doing?" shouted Smartie,
"I know you told me to stand up to bullies, but he's with Tune" said
Polo.
"So?" said Smartie.
"He's f***ing menthol" said Polo.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man with seven nuns. He
went to a hotel and asked the
manager if he had room for him and
his nuns. The manager said that he
only had room for the man and six
nuns and that one of the nuns would
have to sleep outside. The man agreed
and they all went to bed. The next
morning, the man went outside to check
on the nun but as he went out, he saw
her lying on the floor covered in
blood with a tall dark man standing
over her. The man pulled a black cloak
over his face, laughed evilly and ran
off. The next night, the man and six
nuns went to another hotel and asked
the manager if he had room for him and
his nuns. The manager said that he
only had room for the man and five
nuns and that one of the nuns would
have to sleep outside. The man agreed
and they all went to bed. The next
morning, the man went outside to check
on the nun but as he went out, he saw
her lying on the floor covered in
blood with a tall dark man standing
over her. The man pulled a black cloak
over his face, laughed evilly and ran
off. The next night, the man and five
nuns went to another hotel and asked
the manager if he had room for him and
his nuns. The manager said that he
only had room for the man and four
nuns and that one of the nuns would
have to sleep outside. The man agreed
and they all went to bed. The next
morning, the man went outside to check
on the nun but as he went out, he saw
her lying on the floor covered in
blood with a tall dark man standing
over her. The man pulled a black cloak
over his face, laughed evilly and ran
off. The next night, the man and four
nuns went to another hotel and asked
the manager if he had room for him and
his nuns. The manager said that he
only had room for the man and three
nuns and that one of the nuns would
have to sleep outside. The man agreed
and they all went to bed. The next
morning, the man went outside to check
on the nun but as he went out, he saw
her lying on the floor covered in
blood with a tall dark man standing
over her. The man pulled a black cloak
over his face, laughed evilly and ran
off. The next night, the man and three
nuns went to another hotel and asked
the manager if he had room for him and
his nuns. The manager said that he
only had room for the man and two
nuns and that one of the nuns would
have to sleep outside. The man agreed
and they all went to bed. The next
morning, the man went outside to check
on the nun but as he went out, he saw
her lying on the floor covered in
blood with a tall dark man standing
over her. The man pulled a black cloak
over his face, laughed evilly and ran
off. The next night, the man and two
nuns went to another hotel and asked
the manager if he had room for him and
his nuns. The manager said that he
only had room for the man and one
nun and that one of the nuns would
have to sleep outside. The man agreed
and they all went to bed. The next
morning, the man went outside to check
on the nun but as he went out, he saw
her lying on the floor covered in
blood with a tall dark man standing
over her. The man pulled a black cloak
over his face, laughed evilly and ran
off. The next night, the man and one
nun went to another hotel and asked
the manager if he had room for him and
his nuns. The manager said that he
only had room for the man and that the
nun would have to sleep outside. The
man agreed and they went to bed. The
next morning, the man went outside to
check on the nun but as he went out,
he saw her lying on the floor covered
in blood with a tall dark man standing
over her. The man pulled a black cloak
over his face, laughed evilly and ran
off. The man decided to chase the tall,
dark figure. He followed him down alleys
and lanes for miles until he eventually
caught up with him. The man then asked
the tall, dark figure : "Have you been
killing my nuns ?" The tall, dark man
then replied "No."

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I have a joke for you all:

Question: What do you call a camel with three humps?
Answer: Humphery.

Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming
fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in
an area out of sight.

Mel had his share stored promptly but there was
still a good portion left for Mal to take care of.

When asked why he had not just stored it all,
Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

A toothless termite flies into a pub and lands on the end of the bar.
He looks around for a while, then he asks:
"Excuse me... is the bar tender here?"

David Beckham escaped a near death experience whilst horse riding yesterday. Everything was fine until the horse started bouncing uncontrollably. He tried, with all his might, to hang on but was
thrown off. With his foot caught in the stirrup, and with Posh Spice watching powerlessly, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the manager of the Woolworths store came out and unplugged the horse.

*ROTFL*

Pamela Anderson is going to the hairdresser, and she is having a walkman that automatically turns the tape when it's done on one side, with her.
She tells the hairdresser to just cut her hair, but whatever he does, he must NOT remove her headphones. OK, the hairdresser promises and start cutting. It's easy, but after a while he comes to the headphones that he is NOT allowed to remove. He decide to try to cut around them, and almost when he's done, he cut the cables so the sound from the walkman doesn't reach Pamela. A minute later she's lying dead on the floor.
"Oh no, what have I done?" says the hairdresser to himself. He calls an ambulance, and he is really upset and sorry for what have happened. Still, he's sane enough to be able to put the tape in his stereo to find out what was on it. Then he hears this quiet voice saying: "Breath in... breath out.... breath in.... breath out.... "

A woman aquires a magic mirror which she hangs on the back of a door. Looking into the mirrir she notices her husband's reflection as he comes in and has an idea for her first wish.
"Mirror ,mirror on the wall, make my husband as hansome as he was before".
Sure enough the years fall away and there is the hansome young man that she married. Then she remembers something else about the young man and says.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, make his willy touch the floor".


AND





His legs fall off.

Vakuum, that's the FIRST one that made me laugh!