h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Cut to the Rock-Bun hideout. Three Rock-Buns enter and turn on five holograms, one for each Mew. One through Three are pink; Four and Five are red]

[First Rock-Bun] What have you to say for yourselves!?

[First Mew] }Not a lot.{

[Third Mew] }Sh!{

[Fourth Mew] }We're sorry we wasted your weapons.{

[First Rock-Bun] You think that's an excuse!?

[Second Mew] }No. We just wanted to be polite.{

[Fifth Mew] }Anyway, we'll reach the planet Stars shortly. Bugger off.{

[The holograms disappear]

[First Rock-Bun] Ohh, it drives me mad!

*Affy politely responds to the GalArmy's requests*


Well, while I can't speak for the rest of the crew, I don't see any reason why you can't come aboard. Of course, it's the Captain's decision, really, but he's not here right now, so...oh, he doesn't seem to mind when other people board the ship without permission. You decide whether or not you can come on, I guess.


*Affy gets tired of waiting, and pushes the buttons to make the Esirpretne begin building up speed*

Sorry, I just want to get to Stars ASAP.

[YK] What's on Stars?

[YQ] The Anti-Galaxy Bomb, I think.

[Nice touch, YK]

[Thanky]

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies has been listening intently]

An anti-galaxy bomb, eh? Sounds interesting. I shall stick around and see how this develops.

[He rubs his hands together in an Ebil kind of way]

**Joins in the Ebilness**
Hey, I thought we destroyed that?

~~A~~

[YC] I dunno. If we did, could someone remind me how and when?

What's that? A typo? I can't be holding with those!!!

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies shoots himself through the head, leaving a fairly substantial hole from just about his left eye to the bottom of his skull at the rear]

That'll teach me.

*Quorn is still adjusting to his human form, a queue is emassing at the bar*

Bar guy 1: Hey, buddy, wouldja quit eyeballin' yerself and serve us some booze...!

Bar guy 2: Yeah, wiseguy, ain'tcha never seen yeh face before?

*by coincidence, these men are both from downtown Chicago, they nod at each other with hometown understanding*

*Quorn shakes his head gormlessly, smiling at his new, rather dashing profile*

[HP}=~~ (Quorn)

[The Mews do not do anything noticeable to the crew of the Esirpretne, but, rather, they waste space on the H2G2 computers a) for the zark of it and b) so they can have a more recent post and therefore, perhaps, not have to go so many pages into the future]

Just so everyone knows, Stars is the next planet on the little checklist that the Mews dropped. There were five planets listed: Beyond, The, Stars, Lies, Earth. Stars is the last planet in this galaxy. I believe that, along with the anti-galaxy bomb, each of these planets has one of the miribalis gems.


*Affy watches as the Esirpretne builds up enough speed to launch into subspace. It moves towards the coordinates that Affy set in for Stars. Affy is mumbling to himself*


What to do with the gems when I get them all? I could frame them, or decide to just incorporate them into my Miribalis Gun. Maybe I could...


*Meanwhile, Sonic the Hedgehog, who Affy is just now remembering needs to have something done to him to account for the continuity, is strolling around the ship. He turns a corner and sees the robot examining the engine. From his growing up in Knothole Village and his natural mistrust of non-local androids, Sonic rushes off to find Knuckles and Tails so they can decide what to do about the robot. Meanwhile, back on the bridge, Affy continues mumbling to himself, not noticing that his sword is shaking again. The sword manages to shake itself with enough discreet force to fly out of Affy's scabbard and have the hilt land in Garius' hand. GL looks at the sword suspiciously, and is then surprised when a voice enters his head*


Garius, this is Affy's sword speaking. Look, I'm worried about Affy. Sure, he's always had an obsession with treasures, gemstones especially, and he's always been an avid collector of collectible items. However, this is different. More intense. I think that Affy is starting to approach the breach of insanity. Not the normal mad scientist, incapable of keeping the same line of thought for more than an hour insanity, but a kind of obsession with these gems. You probably know about Affy's mental capabilities more than anyone else on h2g2 (with the possible exceptions of myself and the Krylma Leader, of course), and I can't do anything for him, and I'm assuming that Krylma Leader can't be reached right now, and also wouldn't help if he could, so it's up to you to do something reasonably safe for his sanity. I recommend strapping him to a bed in the medical bay for a few days, and not letting him out until you get past Stars. But that's just my opinion. Anyway, put me back in his sheath before he notices that I'm gone.


*GL puts the sword back in Affy's sheath, and thinks about what the sword just 'said' to him. Affy is looking out a window*

Okay, we're about ten posts from Stars. I wonder what this world will look like? And what shape and color the gems are...

*GL thinks over what the sword told him. It confirms the feelings that GL has been having regarding Affy's recent behaviour. Perhaps the swords' suggestion makes sense ...

GL leaves for a few minutes and then returns carrying a glass. He hands the glass to Affy.*

Brought you some Phlog, Affy.

[YK, YC, YQ, Nerfal, Link, and Navi (Since Navi is always with Link, it is safe to assume that, even if he is not mentioned, Navi will always be with Link in future posts unless specified) enter the bridge]

[YK] Affy, we have decided that, because of your behavior, we have the authority and the duty to relieve you of duty...

[Red-Shirted Extra] But you aren't members of the crew!

[Nerfal lifts the Red-Shirted Extra off his feet]

[Nerfal] So!?


Howabout the Anti-Galaxy Bomb /goes off/ on Stars? It will be a dud, and only affect the planet.

*Erm, rather belatedly, because Chris Tonks was in fact away in Nottingham over the weekend, the four Star Ships flying with the rest of the GalArmy subdevision behind the Esirpretne through subspace, respond to Affy's response...*

[CC] Thankyou Esirpretne. Acknoledgement recieved. We are now landing four of our Star Ships in your hangars, and the four crew will come aboard.
SS's 15 to 18, you are cleared to land. Proceed with emergency formation.
[SS15] Sir.
[SS16] Sir.
[SS17] Sir.
[SS18] Sir.

*The four Star Ships form a single line behind each other, and land in the Esirpretne.*
*The crew get out, activate the Ships' security, and board the vessel...*

*The salute whoever they come accross.*


It'd probably be a really good idea for the FSCoC to hide from them now...

Hmm, things are getting interesting. Anyone mind if I stay a while? Oh, and what galactic quadrant is the planet Stars in again? I forgot.

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies (who still has a hole through his head) looks on his map]

Errm... I'm not sure exactly where Stars is. You'll have to ask someone more important than me.

[Umm, Tonks, if you were in Nottingham WHY DIDN'T YOU COME AND SAY HELLO?]

[Because he didn't know where and who you were, and you wouldn't recognize each other IRL.]

*Affy turns to the clones and company. He speaks to YK*

YK, you do not have the authority to remove me from my position. Only the Captain or the Medical Officers could do that. And I'd pass any insanity tests quite simply. I know how psychology and psychiatry work. I could pass the tests regardless of my mental condition. So *ha!* You can't stop me from getting the gems! Besides, if I am in fact, going insane, the gems are the only things that would cure me, correct? It's a curse, you see. The adventurer's curse. Garius could probably explain it to you.

*Triumphantly turns from the clones, and nods to Garius*

Thanks for the phlog.

*Sips it as he looks out the window. He thinks for a moment*

This isn't phlog. It tastes...*THIS HAS ALCHOHOL IN IT*!!!!

*Affy drops the glass and turns to GL*

You've slipped me alchohol, haven't you!

*GL shakes his head*

Well, then explain...oh, I get it. It's drugged.

*Affy blinks, and proceeds to collapse onto the floor. He manages to look up from where he was lying*

Ah, yes, I see. Let's all turn on Affy, why don't we. Old 'crazy' Afgncaap5, yes, that's right. A few loose screws, the clockwork doesn't work, he's got birds flying around his head, totally cookoo, right? Can't you hear the birds? Can't you?

*Affy is saying this slowly, as if it's something he had practiced for years. He stands, and looks at everyone on the bridge*

You hear the birds too. You hear them. The birds are cuckoo, not Affy. And those who see and hear birds are the crazy ones.

*Affy lifts his head. There is a strange look in his eyes as if he is not really awake*

"I see no birds,
I see not one,
But the birds are there all the same.

They see birds,
They see everyone,
There's something wrong about their brain.

They see them,
Hear them fly around,
And now who sees the birds?"

*With that, Affy cackles and vanishes. The air is suddenly full of screaching and squawking birds of every size and shape that begin swooping and attacking everyone. Meanwhile, Affy is on the CLI Mini-UFO. He sets up the autopilot for the destination of the gems, and leans back in his chair. His last thought as his ship launches and cloaks, is how glad he is that he drank all of that coffee during his possession of the Krylma Leader. He finally succumbs to the drug, as the ship bursts ahead of the rest*

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies (still with a hole through his head) dives for Bluebottle's console, roughly shoves the pilot out of the way and sets the Esirpretne off in pursuit]

Sorry about that, but I thought I should get us going before he gets too much of a lead. One posting is bad enough.