h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The GalArmy subdivision is of course not prepared to give up the chase, and sets off in full persuit. One of the EF's managed to grab a vague version of Affy's co-ords before he went, but not too well. The rest of the ships though, follow the Esirpretne...*

[EF2] Pilots aboard the Esirpretne: you have full authority to arrest the FSCoC on our command! Bring him aboard EF2, and await further instruction!
[SS15] Sir.
[SS16] Sir.
[SS17] Sir.
[SS18] Sir.

*...Meanwhile, the Smallcy is orbiting the planet Stars, and is powering up a rather large CompreMatter sphere to hold the entire planet under until the right people get there...a **sane** Affy in other words...*


Come in GalArmy subdivision 3.2, come in. I have arrived at the destination, and am waiting for your arrival. Keep all the crew, all sides, under total control! Nothing can stop me myself and I...

[CC] Sir.

*Prof Tonks laughs quietly to himself, as the Smallcy detects the arrival of a large cube...3km in each dimension...*

[The Millenium Bug, which is faster, chases after the UFO. They dogfight for a bit until someone with a /useful/ tractor beam can get the UFO, please!!]

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies dashes off the bridge, jumps in the lift, jumps out of the lift and steals a shuttlecraft, heading away from the GalArmy fleet as fast as it will go. Which isn't very fast...]

I just think that people should deal with the flock of birds on the Bridge. That would make me feel like we were doing justice to the continuity. I don't care if you only use one post, just do something about them.


*Affy is engaged in the dogfight with the Millenium Bug, and is quickly going through his sheets of notes that, while he was sane, he was working on during spare time. He finds the right sheet of paper*


Millenium Bug

In the event that opposition gains control of the Millenium Bug, use evasive maneuver number seven.


*Affy thinks for a bit, recalling maneuver seven. Deciding it would be the best plan, Affy checks up on all of his systems before pushing the appropriate button. There is a bright flash of light, and the CLI Mini-UFO is apparently instantaneously right on top of the Millenium Bug*

*The four SS crewmen burst onto the bridge, armed heavily.*

[SS16] Holy Zshunga! What the?
[SS15] Men, despose of these virmin ASAP! Go, go go!
[SS16] Sir.
[SS17] Sir.
[SS18] Sir.
[SS15] Where's the FSCoC gone? Hell, I'd better go after him! Clear up, men.

*The 15th SS crew member heads back to the hangars, takes off in his Star Ship, and follows the FSCoC's shuttle...*

[One of the Vlads appears next to Affy's elbow. His black costume is spattered with bird droppings.]

Ooooh, you've done it now. [Wheeze] Forget about any breaks of good luck for the rest of this episode...

[Vlad vanishes, leaving a cloud of tiny specs of birdshit briefly floating in mid-air before they fall with a "splat" on Affy's shoes.]

*The robot appears inside the Millenium Bug, startling the clones. The robot looks at them*

ROBOT-Hello. The Esirpretne and the Millenium Bug will be unable to get out of the Galaxy without the insane one. Remember, you were checked out in customs on the way in. They may not let you out without him.

My name is Twelve. I am an android sent by the Stellar Artists. Since they are not allowed to interfere with other species, they created droids like me to do dirty work for them. The possible Anti-Galaxy bomb is too great a threat, and could even destroy the Steller Artists. May I revamp your engine so that you can move faster from system to system?

*The Millenium Bug is being shaken from above. Probably from all of the firing coming from the Mini-UFO right over it*

[Vlad appears next to the FSCoC]

Just leave this on autopilot, we've got [cough] better things to do.

[Instantly, both are back on the planet "The"]

This is the last place they'll look for us. Let's just clarify a few "plot points" before they catch up with your shuttle.

Now, this "Galaxy Bomb" intrigues me; what exactly are its capabilities? More importantly, how does it work? Does it have any useful probabilities I can manipulate to our advantage?

I bet you need all this like a hole in the head, huh? Bwahaha[Coughcough]haha[Wheeze]ha

*The Mini-UFO has done a great deal of damage to the top of the Millenium Bug. But it seems to be getting smaller for some reason*

!

[YK] What the zark!?

[A shield of energy appears above the Bug, completely blocking the blasts from the UFO. Moments later, Mackenzie (wearing green Deanna Troi outfit) and Zelda (wearing her usual Hylian Princess garb) materialize next to them in a burst of green light]

[YK] What're you doing here?

[Zelda] Saving your butt, it looks like.

[Mackenzie] And Her Royal Highness here insisted on tagging along.

[YK] Yeah, but what's with the UFO shrinking?

[Mackenzie looks up]

[Mackenzie] No clue, actually.

*As Affy, several thousand light years away, slowly shuts down the hologram of the CLI Mini-UFO, the hologram grows smaller and smaller and smaller until it just fades away entirely. Affy likes this hologram projection a lot, because he is able to focus the light in such a way as to create brilliant lazers. Affy sighs as he sees the confusion register on YK's face*

They'll probably be too busy trying to work out just what happened to really concern themselves with my whereabouts. And now,...

*Arms his Miribalis Gun*

...to get through that shield that the blasted smallcy is surrounding the planet with. What course of action...

*Affy thinks about everything he knows about the capabilities of Professor Tonks, and comes to a conclusion*

According to what I've heard, The Big C's shield is supposedly indestructable. But doesn't everything have a breaking point? Probably, according to the laws of physics. But then again, I'm always saying that they're merely suggestions. Of course, I could always use magic or alchemy to break through. Or perhaps a combination of the three arts...

*Affy continues typing, but pauses when he feels his sword vibrating. Affy takes it*

What is it now?


You're getting power hungry. And I think you're underestimating Professor Tonks, YK, and every person who used to be on your side. Also, your friends know about your gemstone addiction. They would be more than willing to give the gems to you if you would just calm down and stop being so paranoid. Stay on this track, you may just be giving up everything that you've worked for. Studying life in alternate realities, five dimensional tunelling, fighting evil,...


Wait, what did you just say?


That you were throwing everything away.


No, in that list of the things I was throwing away. The second one. Five dimensional tunelling!


Oh, come one. Don't do it, Affy. It wouldn't be fair.


Fair? So? Minos is always being unfair.


Minos is a *supervillain*.


Still, I will give you credit for thinking of a way through that shield. All I have to do is figure out how to Tesser through the shield before I get there!


But you've said yourself that tessering is only a theory! You've said that it's the next stage in evolution, and that people weren't ready for it! You yourself admit that it's practically insane to even *attempt* to bend space so that you can just jump from one place to another. You *KNOW IT*!


No. I've been studying tessering for a while. I think I could teleport myself and things that I'm carrying. My only difficulty would be tessering with this ship as well.


You'll never be able to do it! You won't!


Hey, people said I'd never be able to bend the laws of physics before. I think I'm good for one more go.


I've got a bad feeling about this...

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies pulls out a small palmtop computer which has very cleverly been taking notes. He looks up the Anti-Galaxy bomb.]

Well as far as anyone's said when in my earshot, and from what the scriptwriters have let slip, it appears that the Anti-Galaxy bomb is, quite simply, a bomb that's capable of destroying the entire galaxy. I'm not quite sure how it is capable of this, but I suppose it is reasonable to assume that it's very, very big or employs some form of uncontrolled quantum singularity to do its destructive deeds.

Now, as for weaknesses, none have yet been mentioned. One of the scriptwriters did hint that it might not work correctly, but I think it more likely that we or the crew of the Esirpretne will have to disable it before it can explode.

[Realises he didn't sound very Evil during that passage]

[Can't do anything about it]

*Affy, meanwhile, is in the solar system of the planet Stars. He considers probable ways that he could get through the shields, because he wants tessering to be his last option, because he's not even sure if he would end up within a light year of where he intended to go. He sighs, and, while bouncing his message off of about seventy other asteroids to the Professor, he opens a channel of communications with the smallcy*

Come in, smallcy. This is Afgncaap5 speaking...

By the way, Affy, the shield wasn't BigC's. It was Mackenzie's. And she makes things a zarking lot better than BigC can.

*Prof Tonks, sitting in the Smallcy command room, grinnig madly to himself...*


I'd like people to know at this point that is in fact not the real Pr. C. Tonks, but his COMPIGRAM...


*...about various things, accepts the call...*

I'm recieving you Afgncaap5, do go ahead.
I'm not actually deliberatly trying to stop you from getting the gems, I just wqant to make sure you're alright in handling them, and that the Mews doen't get them. The technology I have with me at the moment is completely secure from any magic or supernatural forces, so the Mews at least can't do anything...
I am, after all, not the one after the gems, I...

*suddenly, the COMPIGRAM of Pr. C. Tonks puts his hands to his head, and begins to fail...he kneels on the ground, and falls over, unconsious...*
*...a few moments later, he gets up, grins EVILY, and switches comms over to the Space Station Big C-2.*


The Space Station Big C-2 is an exact replica of the normal one, only this one is from Dimension D;Y2, where the real Pr. C. Tonks had called it through on business, and handed it over to his COMPIGRAM for assistance. Remember that this 'station is under complete control of the COMPIGRAM, now to be called 'PCT2'


[PCT2] Come in Big C, come in. Proceed to my co-ord immediatly, and permit me to board. Prepare for CompreMatter [Class: InfiniSolid] Protection Sphere, and a Dimensional SecureLock - I want no dimensional skipping! And hail the GalArmy division onroute.

[Affirmative Sir. Hailing GalArmy...]


The GalArmy subdivision accompanying the Esirpretne is not aware that PCT has a COMPIGRAM, so will take orders from PCT2, who they believe is the GalaGroup Overseer...

Damn symlpost...
No, it is mine actually...Affy' referring to the CompreMatter shield I was revving up on the Smallcy...it's going to be around Stars in a bit...

Understood, Big C. Believe me, I've got no intent of using these gems against others, nor do I wish them to be experimented with beyond what is necessary. It's just a matter of pride among we adventurers to collect all obtainable treasures in the specified field of play. Once I get the gems, I just toss 'em into my trophy case. My sword seems to think that I'm going crazy. But I'm not. Believe me, I've been more possessed by gems before. Like when I get around Illumynite. Or the Jewel Of Jerrimore. This is nothing I can't handle.


*Would someone *please* take care of the birds I left on the bridge?*

Understood, Big C. Believe me, I've got no intent of using these gems against others, nor do I wish them to be experimented with beyond what is necessary. It's just a matter of pride among we adventurers to collect all obtainable treasures in the specified field of play. Once I get the gems, I just toss 'em into my trophy case. My sword seems to think that I'm going crazy. But I'm not. Believe me, I've been more possessed by gems before. Like when I get around Illumynite. Or the Jewel Of Jerrimore. This is nothing I can't handle.


*Would someone *please* take care of the birds I left on the bridge?*

*Back on the bridge of the Esirpretne, the 3 remaining GalArmy crew are battling it out with the birds. Presently, they kill them, board their ships, and return to their formation behind the Esirpretne...*
*The now evidently evil PCT2 responds to Affy...*

Ah, yes, Afgnfcaap5, after the gems are you?
I think I was going to let you have them...God knows why! Bwuahahaha! Think I'll have them myself for mo reason at all!!

*Much evil laughter, even rivalling the FSCoC's*

Right, Big C-2, block all coms channels from the sol system - I don't want the real me to know about this! Oh yes! I'm going to have this all my way, I am. Nyehehehehehehehe!

*PCT2 sends the Smallcy into a landing manouver into the Space Station Big C-2, gets out, and proceeds to the Control Room. Once there, he opens a comms link to the GalArmy...*

Come in Command Carrier 1, come in. This is Pr. C. Tonks, GalaGroup Overseer, and Supreme Commander of the San Beta GalArmy Offense Force. I am changing orders, repeat, changing orders. Surround the Esirpretne, aprehend the Former Supreme Counter of Cookies, and trace Afgfcaap5's position by any means possible, though if my true self knows CLI technology the way I think I do, it will be no easy task...

I am sending all units the targetting list as follows:

Space Station Big C-2 : Friend
Smallcy : Friend
FSCoC : Foe
Esirpretne : Foe
GalArmy Subdivision : Friend
CLI mini-UFO : Foe
The Mews : Foe
The Rockbuns : Foe
Space Station Big C : Foe
Anything else : Foe
...
The funny-green-blobby-yet-quite-angular ship that is approaching : Friend.