h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The robot hears the sigh, but dismisses it as unimportant*

[Surface of The]
* The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies disembarks from a wormhole

(Loudly, from behind him) So, what do you have to report on the progress of my Evil Master Plan(tm)?

* The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies jumps in a satisfying manner...

[YK] We just beat the boss! Okay, GL, say "Hexahedron" [Twinkle appears in a burst of light] and -- never mind.

*Out of any of the Esirpretne's windows, it is now possible to see several large, and quite a number of small, GalArmy battle craft.*
*Going down the list (from A432460) we have:
1 CC
2 EF's
1 MC's
20 SS's
3 SC's
7 STE's
50 SF's
...quite a formidable list, if you look at A432460 to see their ranking...*

The CC (Command Carrier, a rather large ship...) analyses the present situation, and hails the neutral Esirpretne...*

[CC] Attention Unclassed Ship: Esirpretne. Your neutrality has been determined, and no harm will come to you. In fact, we look to you to help us. It appears that the Mews, which the honored GalaGroup Overseer told us were the perpetrators here, have left the area.
[EF 1] Affirmative. We've lost tracking, but they could just be hiding Sir.
[EF 2] I doubt that myself. We've got the Anti-SuperNatural equipment right from the Central Labs on SB, but we still can't pick them up...they're not here...
[CC] Esirpretne, we are in a position to help you. We have been authorised by the honored GalaGroup Overseer to share with you this technology. It holds the power to keep any and all supernatural forces under constant control. We have analysed Mew physiology, and have run thousands of tests - the result being that even Mews cannot shield themselves from us!
[EF 2] And we're willing to share this technology with you...unless you already have it...but we are obliged to accompany you for safety reasons...as proclaimed by the honored GalaGroup Overseer himself.

*All the GalArmy craft set up a neat formation behind the Esirpretne, quite dwarfed by the lot...*

Well, I think I've increased the general level of chaos... I saved myself from the GalArmy, for the time being at least, and...

I've forgotten what the Evil Master Plan is, actually.

Sorry.

*Meanwhile, Affy and GL have gone back to Affy's office. Affy places this second gemstone in his trophy case, stares at it for a bit longer, and hides the case again*

Come on. We need to set a course for the planet Stars. I've already found the location of it, and have been working on a new weapon.

*Pulls a very impressive looking gun out of a hidden compartment*

This gun functions with the gems we've been picking up. Now, while YK was correct when he told me that these gems have none but the absolute most basic powers, their unique composition and atomic structure has allowed me to make this weapon. I'm only making up to five of these, though, because it would be nearly impossible for it to have a good effect otherwise. Without it, it's pretty much a phaser set on stun with a bunch of extra metal on it. But with these gems, the gun gets more and more powerful. These gems are cut in such a unique fashion that I can get a different effect with them depending on which gems are in it and how I position them. Simulations tell me that with the two gems we;ve got right now, this baby'll do a fair amount of damage. Imagine volcano in Zork II collapsing on someone. That's a pretty good idea. With these two it seems to make a being more susceptible to gravity.

Oh, and I've equipped it so that only you or I can use it.

[Another idea: The planet "Stars" will explode in a certain number of TV minutes. It will explode once the third MewMech is disposed of and everyone gets away from it]

*dazed*
Uh, where, what...
Oh. Thanks.
What happened to the Mews?

The Mews escaped to the planet Stars. I've located this location, and have already set a course for it. I should probably leave the job of actually launching the ship up to the navigator though, so I'll just sit here patiently.

*Sits and waits patiently*

Look, Vlad, the Esirpretne's about to leave. Hadn't we better be aboard it?

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies waits for a reply. He's an impatient, kind of man, so after ten seconds or so he activates his Evilporter and appears on the bridge of the Esirpretne]

(Loudly) Don't worry about me - I never left! Bwahaha[Wheeze]haha[Cough]ha! I have the power to be in many places at once. I find it comes in handy when I need to establish an alibi...

[The FSCoC jumps in a rather satisfying manner, again. The rest of the bridge crew look at Vlad in an odd way, having no idea what he's talking about.]

See what I mean! (Realises everyone in the bar is staring at him for shouting to himself) Oh, wait, sorry. That only works if the other person is everywhere too. Go about your business. (returns to his drink)

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies looks at Vlad interestedly]

Interesting trick. Is it done like this?

[Suddenly the bridge is full of copies of the Supreme Counter of Cookies. They all move in perfect unison.]

Errm... no. How about like this?

[The copies vanish, then reappear. This time, they're all upside-down]

Hmmm... maybe not.

[The upside-down copies vanish.]

So how do you do it?

Like this!

[He doesn't jump quite so satisfyingly this time. Mental note: remember to bring a sharp pin next time...]

You see, thanks to quantum theory, it's not entirely impossible for a complete and exact copy of me to appear anywhere in space and time; it's just very, very unlikely. Since I have full control over probability (and by extension, improbability) that doesn't pose any great problem for me.

[There are now two copies of Vlad on the bridge...]

Take over, number 314159265358979323846, I'm off to the bar. [Leaves the bridge in the direction of ten forward]

Bloody Typical.

[Ten Forward. Another Vlad enters.]

I'll have what he's having.

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies considers what he's heard. AFter a moment, he nods.]

Okay. So if I do this...

[Fifteen disembodied hands appear on the bridge and begin to scuttle around, clearly acting independantly of each other.]

Hmm. I seem to have created a new life form.

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies thinks for a moment. then all the hands vanish. After a moment, one returns, scuttles up Vlad's body and pinches his ear]

Seems to work okay.

[The hand vanishes again.]

Now if only I can work out how to make a copy of my whole body...

[An eyeball appears on Bluebottle's console, then vanishes again.]

No, that's not right either. Useful, though. Hey Vlad, you want to go down to Ten Forward for a drink?

[CC] Come in Esirpretne, come in. We request the transferrence of four of our shipsmen to your ship. SS's 1-4 are awaiting confirmation...

*four of the Star Ships, of similar size to the Smallcy, but of completely different shape, move away from the GalArmy formation, and wait in a line behind the Esirpretne, waiting for the request to be answered...*

Should I try to come up with some way for Mackenzie and Zelda to get here without being obvious about it, or what?

*Quorn, who has been suspiciously absent for a long time, stands up from behind the bar, feeling groggy and looking... well.. we'll get to that*

Sons of Tz'blachtingowakiwaki, what the hell happened!

*looks around Ten Forward*

Who are all these people, I don't recognise half of you...

*people stare at him*

Why are you staring at me??

*people continue to stare*

Stop iiit! You're freaking me out!

*turns to the drink shelves behind him, the wall behind them, as in most bars, is a mirror... Quorn stares mindlessly at some Quasiabsynthe for a while and then gawks*

What the...

*Quorn approches, the shelves and, more importantly, the mirrored wall, his hand goes to his cheek*

I'm... I'm....

Will H. Gates: Spit it [wheeze] out man..

I'm... human....

[HP}=~~ (Quorn)

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies has been watching through an eyeball which appeared in an inconspicuous place in Ten Forward]

Hmm. This might get interesting. Lots of opportunities for Evilness now arise.

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!