h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Erm, Mr. Evil Big C (I'll just call you that for now, okay?), aren't you supposed to close your transmission to potential foes while you submit plans to your minions to kill me? And do you really think it's wise to just say that you're going to get the gems for yourself?


*After Affy closes this last communication with the smallcy, he considers his options. He looks down at his sword*

I hate it when you're right.


You can always go back to the Esirpretne...


Too far. Apparently, the Comprigram's got a few crossed wires. And, while I've never actually used a simulation to see how I'd fare against GalArmy ships, I don't want to risk it.


At least you're on the right track...


Maybe. Hang on, though. I've got to warn the others first...


Attention, Millenium Bug and Esirpretne, do not cooperate with The Big C or any GalArmy representatives for the time being. They are temporarily enemies. Treat with caution.
Affy out.



Do you really think that they'll believe you after that insanity chant?


Probably not. But I've sent the message, so if they don't at least treat the GalArmy guys with great suspicion, I'll be able to say "I Told You So." Meanwhile, however, I've got to somehow get onto the planet Stars and locate that gem before that Tonks Doppleganger can. It won't be easy, but I think I can do it. Even if it means tessering, I'll at least try...

*Considers his options. Looks at the two current gemstones*

I used one before to find a second one. Perhaps I could use two to find the third?

*Affy concentrates his thaumaturgical abililties, and uses them on the two gems while muttering "Like produces like. Once together, always together. Like produces like. Once together,..." After a while, Affy almost sees a hologram of the planet. He then sees the smallcy, the shield, the planet, and where on the planet the third gem is. Affy grins*

Oh, this is going to be fun. Probably can't use snowzars or sleetzars on the smallcy. But I think I've got another CLI produced weapon that might work here...

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies breaks into a hanger on the Planet The which was part of his domain until he resigned in frustration some time earlier in the story. Inside it is a smallish, black, Evil-looking spacecraft loaded down with large nuclear warheads, antimatter torpedoes and death rays. He climbs into the cockpit and takes off, heading for the Planet Stars. During the trip, he uses the ship's on-board plastic surgery machine to change his appearance, dons a flowery shirt and some Bermuda shorts and repaints the ship in bright colours.]

That should keep the GalArmy confused for a while...

[He also activates the ship's reasonably effective cloaking device]

That should keep them off my back for a bit longer. Enough to see what's up with this Anti-Galaxy bomb...

[Once at Stars, the Former Supreme Counter of Cookies begins a scan of the area to see if he can find the Anti-Galaxy bomb. It comes up negative.]

It must be inside that CompreMatter shield... I'd better work out a way to get inside.

[No, the Mews are hiding it]

*Affy is frantically typing on the CLI Mini-UFO's computer, trying to set up his weapon for just the effects that he wants*


Affy, may I ask just what you're doing?


I'm going to do this my way. If I fight with guns blazing, that would pretty much be moving onto his playing field. I might survive, but who knows how much damage there would be. However, where killing, slaughtering, violence, and mayhem ends, mischief begins. It's time for a little fun.


Does that mean what I think it does?


Probably.

*The computer beeps. Affy checks it, and sees that a new space ship has entered the area. Affy does a bioscan, and read the results*

It's the former supreme counter of cookies, again. If he knew what was good for him, he'd get away from all of these GalArmy ships...anyway, it's time to activate the weapon.

*Affy pushes a few more buttons, and the weapon arms. Affy reopens communications with the smallcy*


Excuse me, Mr. Doppleganger Of Tonks, does your ship like music?

*The holigram of Tonks starts to respond, but a slight look of confusion creeps onto his face. Affy continues*

Well, let's find out, shall we?


*Affy closes the communications, and fires his weapon. Moments later, the smallcy receives the specially created Polka Blast. However, unlike most other polka blasts, this one is designed to affect the computers of starships. When the polka affects the computer, it reprograms it slightly to have just the right amount of intelligence and humor. The smallcy begins to dance to the polka song (Polkas On 45, by Weird Al), and shares the music with all of the other GalArmy ships. As all of the GalArmy ships in the area become unusable because they are spending all of their energy on dancing to the music and maintaining minimal life support, their is nothing left to reinforce the Comprematter shield surrounding Stars. Affy uses this brief window of opportunity to locate the easiest to work with section of the wall, and manipulate science enough to create a hole in it just large enough to fit the CLI Mini-UFO through. As the UFO begins to land, Affy sends a transmission through the hole, telling the Esirpretne of the hole's location, and that they should not accept any communications from the polka blast affected ships for a few minutes. As Affy lands, he wonders what the polka blast will do to the machine-supplied comprigram of professor Tonks*


I think you're on the right track now, Affy. Just out of curiosity, how do you plan on finding the next gem *and* the anti-galaxy bomb, and destroying whatever boss that the Mews have?


Oh, be quiet. I'll think of something...

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies dives through the hole in the CompreMatter shield, then begins a scan of the entire planet, looking for the Anti-Galaxy bomb.]

It's not here. Damn it! Someone must be hiding it


The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies doesn't know the Mews are hiding it


[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies sees Affy's Mini-UFO on the scanner. Curious, he lands next to it.]

What is he doing? After one of those gems again, I suppose. I'd better keep an eye on him.

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies exploits a hole in the technical background of the plot to become invisible before sneaking after Affy, being careful not to make the obvious mistake of leaving big boot-prints]

A COMPIGRAM, actually pronounced 'compligram', yes, with an 'l', is not in fact a machine of any kind. It is an *exact* copy of the subject (in PCT2's case, Pr. C. Tonks) with the only exeptions being that it's in a different point in space and time, and that it just isn't the person it's a copy of...


*PCT2 opens, somehow, a comms channel to the mini-UFO, obviously unaffected by the polka data...*

You fool! What do you think you're doing!! My ship's gone haywire!! My GalArmy ships weren't made for this!!
God, I'll get you, and your little sword too!

*He changes channels to the rest of the GalArmy, who can only exchange words, not commands...*

Listen up you lot, I've, er, got to do something about this! I'll sort something out, no worries...

*He then chuckles about his CompreMatter shield still being active, and then notices the hole in it..*

Argh!! To hell with all this! C.ompuT.er!!

*He hails the Space Station Big C-2, which, being his greatest invention of all time is in fact immune to the polka at least, and orders it to open the comms channels to all the ships affected by Affy's weapon...*

Computer, replace our data with the stuff I saved last time...looks like it's time to refresh!

[YK] [into comm] Affy, I don't know what you just did, but ... uh ... [The fleet refreshes] ... do it again.

[Zelda] You believe him!?

[Link] Why don't I explain to you the Force...

*As if PCT2 heard what YK said, and he didn't just to make things clear, he tells the Space Station Big C-2 to continually flush out any polka data that might get into the GalArmy ships or the Smallcy...*

Hmmm...funny how my true self hasn't heard of this yet...
Bwuahahahahahahah!!!

[Go, PCT2! Go, PCT2! Mew!]

PCT2, I said to do what he just did again. I did not say it would work, narmean?

[Commercial Break]

I like to take precautions...

[YK] Looks like we're going to start a space battle! Now, where's my X-wing?

[YC] It's in the Mission to Zork forum.

[YK] D'OH! Okay, I'll take dorsal. YQ, you take ventral. YC, use the underside swivel blaster when necessary.

[YK and YQ leave the cockpit]

[Zelda] Here we go again.

[Link] You don't know the half of it.

Hmm. This could be trouble. I'm not sure of Affy's motives, and I'm not sure whose side the GalArmy is on, but the most significant problem is that shield. Of course!
*teleports to Stars*
*Pulls out the Multiblaster III, fiddles with the dial on it, then pushes the button. The CompreMatter shield disappears, to be replaced by a glowing pink bubble.*
I knew that would come in handy sometime. Now I need to get back to Qwerzylbokia Alpha V to get my ship. Hope the anti-teleport field is gone now.
*disappears*

Actually, the CompreMatter Shield didn't vanish, it sort of began to fade in and out a bit, which is odd.
Saying that it just dissappeared would breach Sections 11.5.5. and 11.5.6. of the Big C Proof Article (A432460)...

[I was going to say something to that effect... Let me see that page.]

*Affy looks at his computer readouts*

Okay, according to this, and based on my last trance, the next gem (and, most likely, the Mews and that darn bomb) should be...hidden in that cave over there. Computer, are you sure?

COMPUTER-Positive.

Affy-But the first time the Mews hid it, they were in that underground maze. The *second* time they hid it, they were in a tunnel in the middle of a mining planet. Why would they hide underground again?


Someone remind me what the terrain of Stars is like, and Mews, give a vague description of where it is that you're hiding. Doesn't have to be in the cave, that's just the best I've got to go on right now.

No one described Stars.

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies, sneaking invisibly after Affy, perceives the surface of Stars to be barren, windswept and full of suspiciously fake-looking vegetation]

[Above these patches of astroturf and pebbles is floating a big chunk of rock, with grass on top, unsupported by anything apparent. A giant green sword is stuck through it. There is a landing platform on one side, and two doorways into the sword. The one on the left is closed and locked. The other is wide open. The Mews are through the closed and locked one, but the "key" to finding them is in the open one. And you would breach continuity if you used something else to get in]