h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[The Bug flies down toward this platform thingy]

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies realises that no amount of Evilness is going to get him into a floating thing that's higher off the ground than his head is, so he gives up on that idea and instead watches to see how Affy gets inside.]

No one's getting that gem!!

*PCT2 hands control of the CompreMatter Shield to the Space Station Big C-2, and has a hole opened in it to allow himself in the smallcy to pass through...he lands by the platform...*

*He gets out...*

Watch-2 *...I'm sure you can all guess what that is...*, I want you to scna ht locking system here, find any breahces possible.

{Affirmative}

*PCT2 has another look at Mew's post, and grins...*

Easy!

*he walks through the open doors into the giant sword, picks up what looks like a perfectly normal key from a table, goes out, uses it on the closed and locked doors, and strolls in...*
*no breach of continuity there! *

[YK lands the Bug on the Smallacy 2 and follows PCT2 in]

*The inside of the sword (sorry Mews, this time it's my turn to describe something...), is all green, with crystal walls. Some light shines in through them from the sun around which Stars orbits, and leaves a green mist around the sandy floor of the cave...*
*PCT2 takes the whole scene in with awe, and then spies a platform hovering near the top in mid air. He has Watch-2 analyse the place, and then activates Hyper-Movement (A432460: 11.7) and runs up the wall nearest to it. Once up there, he sees a stone with an engraving on it. Translated into English, it would say "Here Lies The Mirabilis Gem, Third State" (pardon me if I spelt that wrong...), but no gemstone is to be found...*

*PCT2 spins round enfuriated...*

Mews!!! Give it to me!! I'll grind you down into cat chow if you don't heed my warnings!!

*he activates the An-P/EI/M (aA32460: 11.6) on his Watch-2, so that he can interact with the Mews' 'powers'...*

*Suddenly, a blast hails from above, encasing Professor Tonks 2 in a thick layer of ice. Afgncaap5 falls from the ceiling, and loolks the frozen doppleganger in the eyes*

Don't no how long this'll hold you, but I though I'd do it anyway. And this is for the bonk on my head.

*Affy pushes the ice-cubed Professor from the floating platform towards the entrance. Affy walks through the entrance, and looks up just in time to see a giant ice cube falling towards his head*

BONK!

*The Affy on the platform hides from the view of the Affy on the floor. He turns to the robot that had appeared to him earlier/later*

Okay, thanks for all the help. Now just get me to the UFO so that I can fly off of this planet.

*The robot nods its head, and Affy dissapears. Outside, he looks at the gem that he will eventually be picking up, enters the UFO, and takes off (after setting a time bomb on the smallcy 2)*

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies is confused by an obvious time travel paradox, but doesn't let it phaze him. Instead he Evilports into the floating thing and pulls out a scanner device to look for the Anti-Galaxy Bomb]

Doesn't seem to be about... let's try the next room...

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies wanders off]

*Eventually, the ice cube holding PCT2 shatters at the power of Watch-2, and the imposter falls out...*

Damn you to hell Afgnfcaap5! Time travel!! you dare do this to me!? I'll make YOU cat chow!

*He runs outside and heads for the Smallcy-2...*
*He stops, listens, and runs again, running to try and deactivate the bomb..*

OB Computer! Eject all foreign objects! Eject, eject!! To hell with...

*Booooooom (quite a large explosion, considering it destroyed six Gelectrons...wait a moment...I'm talking about Gelectrons here! OK, it was one hell of an explosion!!)*

NOOOOOO!!! Grrr..that's the final straw!

*In his raging fury, he completely forgets that he could just travel back in time, and even get the first two gems as well...*
*He instead activates Anti-G, and floats up out of the atmosphere of the planet, and, when in range, teleports into the Space Station Big C-2...*

[Attention Sir. I have detected a large comms breach. Escort Frigate 2 has signalled another craft, waveength unknown.]

What?! What is he doing!?

[Third Mew, while all this confusion is going on, grabs the gem and teleports away]

*Afgncaap5, a tad confused by the appearance of an ice-covered Big C, continues wandering through the area. He moves through a door and sees the Supreme Counter Of Cookies. He walks up behind him and taps him on the should, causing the Counter to jump about five feet in the air*

Hi! Any luck finding that gem? Of course, if you find it, I'll ask that you hand it over to me. Nothing personal, you understand, but you're somewhat evil. We can't have somewhat evil people wandering around with miribalis gems, now can we?

Actually Mew, it's my guessing that the gem wasn't in its place when PCT2 got there because the version of Affy that froze him in ice had in fact already taken it, and was hiding in the roof...basically meaning that Affy's got the 3rd gem...

Or will have...erm...

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies jumped when Affy tapped him on the shoulder. He turns around.]

No, I don't have the gem, and I'm not looking for it. Do you know where the Anti-Galaxy Bomb is? My boss is fairly keen on finding it.

[A Vlad appears behind an Affy on the bridge of a UFO leaving the planet Stars...]

(Loudly) Nice plan!

* Affy jumps in a pleasingly startled manner, dropping the gem he'd just liberated from the planet. It shatters into three irregularly-shaped parts, one of which bounces out of reach behind the weapons console.

(Mock concern) Unlucky! Never mind - see you back at the bar...

[Vlad vanishes again]

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies follows his tracking device to a small room somewhat off to the side. The Anti-Galaxy bomb is definitely on the other side of the closed door. As the Former Supreme Counter of Cookies reaches for the handle, words suddenly appear in blood red Times New Roman, 56 point bold. The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies slowly reads them out loud.]

"Do not touch this door. If you do, the Anti-Galaxy Bomb will detonate. Not even a CompreMatter shield can contain the explosion of anti-reality which will ensue. Therefore we politely repeat the imperative that you do not under any circumstances touch this door."

[He pauses]

Interesting. I guess I'd better not touch the door then.

The above post did not entirely happen, because Mirabilis Gems cannot break /that/ easily. Terribly sorry if I'm breaching continuity myself, but there's a limit to what bad things can happen. Let's just say that the Gem itself bounced behind the console.


[YQ] Oh bloody joojooflop.

[Mackenzie] This way!

[She drags YK through a side passageway. The rest of YK's clones and friends follow them]

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies does his eyeball trick to get a peek on the other side of the door]

The Anti-Galaxy Bomb is definitely there.

[Looks around]

Where is everyone? I'd have thought they'd be more interested in something that's capable of destroying the entire galaxy than a silly Mirablis Gem.

[Suddenly, dramatic music plays. Lights flash, and sirens blare. A voice speaks]

[Voice]: The Anti-Galaxy Bomb will detonate in six minutes of TV time. You have six minutes of TV time to evacuate the galaxy. Thank you for your attention.

[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies stares for a moment, then grabs his Evilporter and appears in the cockpit of his small ship, which screams into the air and out into space through the hole in the CompreMatter shield. He gets on a general transmission.]

Ruuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!

*Pr. C. Tonks, up on the Space Station Big C-2, ponders briefly on trying to open a Dimensional Breach and send the planet Stars thrugh, but dismisses the idea because of what happend last time the Matrix was broken...*

C.ompuT.er! Get us out of here immediatly! Summon the GalArmy, and tell them to follow me through the wormhole! Forget the Esirpretne, and whatever the Frigate called...

[A giant mechanical six-legged Mew lumbers into view, knocks the Anti Galaxy Bomb over*, and faces the Good Guys]

[First Mew] Welcome to the MewMech III!

[*FOOTNOTE: This damages the interior of the AGB, causing it to do no more damage than to completely disrupt The's core, causing nothing more than the planet to explode]

How come The blew up? Why not Earth, or even Stars? That would be the more sensible choice, wouldn't you agree?


[The Former Supreme Counter of Cookies spies the MewMechIII in his rear-view hologram. Spinning his ship around, he activates all four of its Evil weapons and prepares to fire]

I'm really starting to get sick of these MewMechs... and this is only the second one I've encountered.