h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

..and if all of Belgium starts following the road, then it will be too crowded for us. Now, listen. After I escaped from their dungeon, I mapped the castle before coming here. There is a room on the third floor where they keep their fur dyes. If we could switch all the dyes so that they were all puce, then when the weasels next dyed themselves, they would be so embarassed that they would go into hiding until they could get some more mauve dye. This would give us at least a few posts to do something.

"I wanna know why the elves (elfs?) are working with the weasels!" Arnold began. "Let's have the Next Researcher decide that . . ."

"I don't think that the Next Researcher would be helpful here. After all, we are trying to bribe him/her/it, so we may find ourselves perpetually indebted to this so called "Next Researcher."

"You know, I don't know if I like the ideas about being against Next Researcher."

"Then let's find out from Adjacent Researcher!" suggested Death. And so, they waited for Adjacent.

And then The Next Researcher did decend upon them in all His glory, and he spake unto them: "Thou shalt not burn bacon," He said. "'Tis a waste of pork byproducts." Death peered intently at The Next Researcher. "Don't I know you from somewhere?" he asked.
"I do not know thee."
"Are you sure?"
"Yea."
Regis Philbin burst into the room, dashed up to The Next Researcher, and said "Is that your final answer?" Death glared at him. "I don't like you," he said. "I'm going to have to do something unpleasant..."

...to you" And Regis immediatly burst into flames in a hideous and disgusting manner. Just then the researcher who had been the next researcher but was now the present researcher (ME) decided to move the story along. So despite all the hideous continuity problems the group (arnold, lucy, arthur, merlin, death, and Mrs. Fussypotz) left for the castle. They soon learned via a remarkable short film being shown on the path to the castle that the elves had sold their offices in the area to a leasing office. The office then leased the offices and dungeons to the weasels and Lucy was included as office furniture. They reached the castle and Lucy told them they would have to swim through a hole underwater in the moat to get inside undetected. So they jumped into the water and...

swam. Well, most swam. Death, however, forgot that he couldn't swim what with his gigantic cloak, and the fact that he was always carrying that scythe with him. So, doing what all sensible horsemen do in that kind of embarrasing situation, he turned himself into a deadly tanglibe mist that could float just over the water and also hold the scythe. SO, on our group went, even Arnold who was complaining about the tiny size of the place. Soon . . .

...they smashed into a crevice in the moat wall. They resurfaced and lucy realized that the design plans she had weren't for the castle, they were for a chucky chesses in nebraska. Luckily just then the Sassy Robot armies decided to start their religious war in the name of the sock who they believed to be inhabitated by the spirit of mr. Clean (try saying that 4 times fast) by attacking the castle. They quickly overpowered the guards and smashed open the gate making a passage for our heros. They didn't have to worry too much about the robots for a while because 123 short circuited by falling in the moat and then the rest retreated to attack another day. The group entered and...

told Lucy to put the design plans for the chucky chesses back in her pocket, and get out the map she'd drawn of the castle from her other pocket.

Meanwhile, three blind mice were doing their best to escape find Arthur and the mauve weasles. Since the time on the boat (a loooong time back in the story) nobody had heard from them, and everybody thought they'd died when the ship went down with men and mice. Not these mice though... they were still looking for Arthur, as he stilled owed them a box with fruit covered in chocholate. All this time they'd been searching for him, and now they were right outside the castle, ready to attack....

But just as they were setting up their artillery for an assault on the walls when they realised the gate was still open and ran over the drawbridge, their keen noses detecting the path of Arthur's smelly feet. They scampered up the spiral stairs which led up the inside of one of the towers, and in the room at the top they came upon Arthur, who also saw them and started laughing. This bought the mice up short.
"Why are you laughing?" said one mouse to the wall. Being blind, of course, it couldn't see where Arthur was. Its two friends turned it round in the right direction because they had worked out how to locate the direction of sounds very accurately.
Arthur was unable to reply to the question because he was laughing so hard he had to be careful not to inhale his own saliva, so Lucy answered for him.

"He has this desease", she explained. "So everytime he sees weasels and mice, he starts laughing. He can't really help it."
The mice put their ears flat in desbelief.. they obviously didn't believe her, and with all reason.. it didn't take long before she was laughing either.

"What is so funny???" The mice demanded in loud, high-pitched voices while waving their walking sticks menacingly. The pooor mice didn't even hear Death as he made silly faces and bunny ears behind the mice. After all, it is hard to hear floating vapor when it moves. In a few short seconds, Arnold began laughing too, which was very unfortunate. The three mice pondered whether they should stay and seek revenge on Arthur, or risk being blind and deaf. They decided to . . .

...seek refuge in a closet. They muffled their ears in a coat and fell asleep. Death rematerialized and quickly described the innocent people he had killed which made the rest of the group get bummed out and stop laughing. Suddenly Merlin raised an important issue, "what are we doing in the castle again?"
The researcher check back a bunch of posts and found out that they were trying to stop the weasel's and their fiendish plan, you know the one with belgium and that song backwards. Anyways, the group quickly ran into the armory to get some weapons to fight the weasels. Death didn't take anything but the rest took various things like...

...a squiggly pen, a large inflatable baseball bat, some Bob Evans breakfast sausage, and an egg full of Silly Putty--and of course immense quantities of puce dye.

With their weapons in hand the group ran through the castle screaming and ever ready to fight. 5 hours later Arthur made a comment "(while panting from 5 hours of running) has anyone noticed that we have seen every part of the castle including that nudy magazine behind the plaster wall? And yet we haven't seen any weasels."
The group finally stopped, and immediatly fell to the floor to rest. Death, who didn't get tired, noticed a note on a refrigerator. It read: "To Milkman, do not need any milk for two weeks. We have abandoned plan to rule world for the next two weeks so we can get caught up on the who wants to be a millionaire winners."
The group let out a sigh, just then a plane smashed through the wall and...

Meanwhile, the mice woke up and remembered that one of them had a cameo in this chapter, asking for a map. The other two got really jealous because they all thought that particular blind mouse had all the breaks, so they beat it up. Unfortunately the blind mouse they were beating up had good reason for being employed more in the story - it had talent in ventriloquism. So it tricked the other two into beating up a lump in the coat (or whatever it was) they were wrapped in.

But back to our other unlikely heroes and their plan to recolourize the weasels...

(looks like me and aPerson replied to same thing, but they are kinda unrelated and they don't cancel eachother out) They got up from the plane crash and knew that the two week delay would give them time to make a better plan against the weasels. Arnold was hit by the plane head on and exploded. Luckily as the group left the castle he was miraculously with them again. They knew the weasels were cheap skates and wouldn't buy a vcr and tv just to watch who wants to be a millionaire. So they went to the local electronics store and sure enough police were there investigating a robbery. Lucy walked up to an officer and shot him because...

She still hadn't forgiven him for stealing her lunch money all the way back in grade school. When the other police heard this, they thought this was a fairly reasonable reason, and let it pass. Especially since Lucy was backed by a powerless wizard, a powerful boy who might be King Arthur, Death Itself, and a large dinosaur.

With this certain edge, it wasn't hard to get all the info out of the police that they needed. This info was . . .

42.

Thats right the officers explained. 42 weasels and one 42-year old Scotsmen robbed the store (the scotsmen was later cleared of all charges). They all got into a very small red car that really shouldn't have been able to fit them all. The car was last seen heading south down "drive this way to escape police road." All the officers offered to give the group a ride (so the group wouldn't be in their town anymore) but as they were doing this Arthur sneezed and the electronics store exploded (magic!). The police left the group in terror and they started down the road on their own.

"Wait a minute!" said Lucy. "This road isn't yellow, it isn't brick, and we aren't trying to escape the police." To this Arthur responded...