h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"why am i in belgium.....i cant be in belgium.....Buffy The Vampire Slayer is on the TV in a moment.
"fear not mr Rosenfeld" said a distinguished looking man in the corner, there is a video shop on the boulevard where you can by the latest episode.
"Many thanks" said the american, "but who, sir, are you?".
"I am"...........

"...Douglas Adams' lawyer. He is suing you for theft of property, physical and mental trauma, and generally being unpleasant towards him. If you return his property and restore his eyes to their non-vegetative state, he will drop all charges except being unpleasant. Do you accept?"

"Oh, but that's a universe, several posts, and ninety-seven inches away! He can't still be angry about it, can he?"
"Well, he is. Frankly, he doesn't like his eyes being fruit or vegetables. I don't know about you, but . . . rich, influential and/or famous people don't like their eyes to be fruit."
"Oh," said Arthur. "There's just one problem. . ." he began as he remembered that he didn't know how to use magic.

....you have to deal with me!" He waved his hands in the air and began to cast a vex when it backfired turning the american and douglas adams' atorney into sassy robots. "Boy we never really came through on that lessons plot line did we" said merlin.
Lucy who was upset about not being mentioned recently started to talk about how funny it would be if they were not in fact real but just the delusions of a bunch of screwed up h2g2 researchers. The danish royal family declared her a heretic against one of those major religion thingies and she was thrown into the dungeon. Merlin, Arnold, Arthur, and Death now needed to secure her release. So they decided to... (maybe a trial or something, atleast that hasn't been done in the story to my knowledge, but then again just write what you want you unimaginative cad, kidding kidding.)

"But I don't want to go to trial!" cried Lucy. "What do you expect when you run about contradicting major religions?" asked Death. "As a noted harbinger of the apocolypse, I find it very offensive."
"I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition," replied Lucy.
Suddenly, a man dressed in a red Cardinal's robe with a very bad false moustache burst into the room. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!" the man yelled...

...and was immediately bonked on the head by a Serious Inquisitor wielding a large inflatable baseball bat, who had burst into the room just behind him. "Right! Stop that!" she exclaimed. "It's silly!" And she proceeded to smite him several more times with the Bat of Seriousness, causing him to...

jump one one foot and pretend to be a parrot. Meanwhile Lucy saw her chance to get free, and with Arthur, Death and Merlin following her, she ran past all the guards and the royal family. However, how it happened, when they came out from the castle, they were no longer in Belgium. Astonished they looked around, and noticed that they were surrounded by trees and small houses and right in front of them were a shining, yellow brick road.

Standing on the opposite side of the yellow brick road (which was, incidentally, shining brightly in the sun) was a medium-sized woman dressed in an itchy brown robe. On her feet she wore stillettos with long curly paper toenails stuck to the front.
"Behold!" she proclaimed when she saw the intrepid characters appear. "I am the hermit Wheeze, and..."
She was cut off by Arthur, who had thought of something.
"If you're a hermit," he asked her, "how come you're talking to us? I thought true hermits never spoke to anybody."
The hermit Wheeze frowned, cocked her head as she tried to think around the notion, and then ripped the impractical paper toenails from her shoes and stomped off into the sunset (which always comes at the most convinient time for any fiction author), leaving our heroes and heroines standing bewildered by the really quite fantasitcally clean road.

A slightly embarassed coppersmith greeted them and said: "I ran out of copper, so I just painted the bricks yellow". He kicked some dirt a little.

Death thumped him on the back and said: "Marvelous, my friend. It's just what we needed. Now we can find out what all of this has been leading to."

With that the entire group, including the bewildered American and the lawyer and Arnold (but not the Dutch royal family who have their palace in Belgium) began to skip down the yellow brick road. They hadn't gone far when they had to ask Arnold to just walk, since his skipping was bouncing everyone else into the air. Shortly afterwards, they rounded a corner to find themselves confronted with ...

A huge field full of poppies. However, to avoid serious breach of copyright, these poppies did not put them to sleep. Instead, as one, they all turned their vibrant red heads and spoke:

"Everything you seek can be found at the end of the yellow brick road," they said in a voice which resounded through the heavens. "Except Jaffa Cakes, which can be found in your local supermarket."
Our heros looked at each other, perplexed as to why Jaffa Cakes should suddenly be mentioned.
"Continue down the yellow brick road," the poppies went on, "and you shall find a tree, which will share its wisdom with you." The poppies seemed to hunch closer to the little group standing around Arnold's enormous dinosaur feet. "Between you and us," the poppies confided, "I wouldn't bother to stay and listen. That tree may know a lot, but the art of interesting monologue escapes it."

And so the group set out down the road. After walking for a very long period of time, and not sighting any sort of tree, they began looking for shrubs as well. This was on the grounds that it was perhaps it was a very small tree and looked like a shrub. That didn't work, so they added bushes to the list as well. When that failed to yield results, they became disheartened, and began to fiddle about. When that also failed to yield results they began to sulk.

And it worked! All of a sudden a wise looking tree appeared, and started reciting the entire works of Douglas Adams, starting with the time he first learnt to write his name.

The group stood motionless before the tree. The group now consisted of Arthur, Lucy, Death, Merlin, Arnold the T-rex/flying thing, and 2 sassy robots who had formerly been an american and douglas adams' attorney. As the tree continued to recite the robot who had been the attorney (stick with me here people) remembered who he was and promptly filed a law suit against the tree for recreating Adams' work without his prior written consent. Everyone else except the american who was still quite confused began screaming. Most of it was to this affect "What are you doing, we need that tree to give us answers and you are suing it over some stupid books" The attorney/sassy robot turned around to face them and said "thats slander against Adams' books and I hereby serve you with this notice of my intent to sue you all. The group ignored him and quickly ran up to the tree who said that he couldn't say anything without his lawyer present and he wouldn't be able to get in touch with his lawyer for atleast 20 replies. The group turned on the lawyer/robot in rage and... (sorry for writing so much, got a little carried away)

Death decided that even though his role did not normally extend to artificial life forms he could make an exception here. He used his deathly powers to cause the sassy robots power units to cease to function. They then turned back to the tree and Death said "OK, now stop pissing me off with all this lawyer stuff and tell us what you know, otherwise I'm going to reduce you to splinters". The tree gulped in a very un-treelike way and a small yellow puddle appeared near its roots. The tree said "OK - what is it you want to know?". What none of them had noticed was the bushbaby sitting in the tree...

which would be very important later in the story. I think. Anyway, the tree began telling them about the marvels at the end of the road, why some people really like boring, normal plotlines, why others need roller coasters that always have a strange twist in every single post, what the question to life was, but because the tree was speaking entirely in mathematical equations, not one of them understood anything, except why the flowers had warned them about the tree.

Suddenly, the actor Erik Evari appeared wearing a blue military outfit and followed by a throng of people in red military outfits, all of whom were chanting, "All hail the Grand Inquisitor!"

"Oh, drat." the Grand Inquisitor said. "I missed out on all of the Inquisition jokes posted yesterday. Oh well."

He promptly left the story. Meanwhile, the bushbaby . . .

...leaped out of the tree and onto the sassy robot/american's shoulder. He started whispering evil thoughts to the, umm lets just call him joe okay. It seems that the Bushbaby was in fact a disgruntled employee of the wise old tree. He used to manage the flowers but got moved and demoted to this job because he stole pancake batter. But Joe didn't listen because in his sassy robot state he could understand all the tree's mathematical equations (PS the bushbaby fell to the ground). He screamed out "OF COURSE!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW, DON'T YOU PEOPLE SEE IT!"
The rest of the group was extremely interested and ran up to find their answers. When arthur tripped over the fallen bush baby causing his arms to wave wildly. His movements caused a magic spell to be invoked, (the spell is called "stop the story from ending with the tree in simple way" or "deus ex machina")The spell caused Joe to burst into flames and explode killing him instantly. The flames spread to the tree and it was soon dead. Every one looked at arthur and...

...said "Look, you've got magic powers, fix it." Arthur replied that he didn't know how to use his magic powers, and that made everybody very cross as they were feeling a bit silly for not having thought of that. Just then, a glint caught the corner of Arthur's eye. He whirled around and saw, lying in the ashes of the tree, a massive tome entitled "Ësy Majick: Become a Wizzard in Six Steps."

69 steps later Arthur was out $47,000 and the Magic company had filed chapter 11 and skipped town. Very upset the group realized that they couldn't expect an answer to all the things that had happened in one simple post. Things would just have to play out the way they normally did. And right on cue the next researcher changed their location and gave them a new task when he/she got bored. They found them selves in (you decide) trying to (you decide).

An hour later Arthur pulled Merlin aside. Just tell me how to give these crazy powers back!