h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"There's another time rift opening up! I thought for sure we finished those!"
"Well," Merlin said, "Because it is a temporal paradox machine, they could conceivably only appear in the future, instead of the time that they actually start. But you're right, we must do something! Before this plot line gets ruined, or something."
As they were leaving, the cranky Death, who only had about five minutes of sleep, Death said "Since when did we become the universal super heroes?"
"Well, you can leave. It's not like we're the main character, or anything."
Lucy pulled out a map, and said, "Now, the temporal rift was starting in Bohemia. How should we get there?"
Just then, a bus hit Merlin. "This'll do." Lucy said.
The disgruntled Merlin said, . . .

..."wait a second, now I know what is wrong here. Firstly I was just hit by a bus indoors. And secondly why is the hotel in a small town able to give us a room with a kitchen, bedroom, and seperate Tv area? Afterall, none of us have worked in weeks. Where did we get the money to pay for it?"
Lucy and Arthur Simultaneously said "shutup!"
The trio woke up death and left for bohemia in the bus. The only problem was that no one has said what town they are currently in so they had no idea which direction bohemia was in. Luckily the next researcher told them what town they were in when he said...

"You know, I can't remember whether Lucy ever had that baby... we should get her to the Smallton Hospital for a checkup!"

"You mean that I could be pregnant with a baby from some universes ago?" Lucy lookes suspiciously at the reasercher.
"We never know," Merlin pointed out, "with all these time rifts and all... and that reminds me: Arthur, I want my magic powers back!!"
Arthur, who still wasn't used to Merlin's powers, accidentically threw a spell, that made the Dutch Royal Family appear.

"Oh never mind", said Merlin, as a member of the Dutch royal family squeezed into the seat beside him. "Long time no see", said the Dutch princess. "Yah, Yah", said the disgruntled Merlin, who really missed his gruntles. "We were getting tired of that mall in Buffalo. And that other royal family was getting very tiresome with wanting pastries for breakfast instead of sausages. And then there was the time blah blah blah". Merlin tuned her out as she blathered on. The bus driver came on the PA system saying: "On our left you will see several Birmarlsurryshire cattle, which are famous in this region and on the right you will see a T. Rex running beside the bus. Up ahead ... AAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK a T. Rex!!!!!

The bus screeched to a halt.
"Now now Arnold," said Arthur,"there's no need for any of that."
"I'm sorry," Arnold said,"but I was afraid that after being carried off by that Spider that all the researchers would forget about me. I don't want that to happen Arthur..." he trailed off and started sobbing.
It was at that moment that a spider (who just so happened to be a God dontchaknow) whose name was Bruce turned up on the scene.
He was looking very angry indeed...

Because his web was nocked down by Arnold's tail when he carried Arnold off to Bohemia. Or, at least, that's what he told our foursome.

"Wait a minute!" Merlin said. "You know the way to Bohemia?"

"Oh, sure. I was going that way, when . . ."

Merling and freinds (excluding the royal family who had decided to stay in the bus until another imaginative researcher could find some use for them) jumped off the bus and began heading in the direction of Bohemia, followed by a very freindly Arnold.

"No, not that way!" Bruce called after them. "That's not the safe way! If you go that way, then you will surely all . . ."

"... all end up sing Do you know the way to Sante Fe? La, lalala la la la lala lala and surely incur the wrath of some odd family who consider themselves royal. Walk this way."

With that, Bruce started a very strange eight-legged dance, heading somewhere in the general direction of Presumably Bohemia. Lucy put her hands on.. well.. somewhere approximating his hip and did her best to walk that way (with only two legs it was rather difficult). The rest followed suit and soon the party was on!

They all looked around puzzled.
Each of them held a martini galss in their hand.
"Not another one of those temporal time/space galaxy shift thingies?" said Merlin.
"No no no," said Lucy,"There's been a misunderstanding, you see, someone in the last post said that,'the party was on' and the next writer misinterpreted it."
They all looked out of the screen pointedly.
"Sorry." a researcher whispered at them in a very guilty tone.
There was a flash of light and they all found themselves in Bohemia along with Bruce the spider (who is a God dontchaknow)...

Arnold was amazed at the fairly amazing part of Bohemia they had appeared in. So amazed, that he stumbled backwards into the steadily growing time rift.

"There it is!" said Lucy. "Now, what should we do about it?"

"Well, if Arthur would give my wizardly powers back, then maybe I could neutralize it, or something. Arthur, I really need to start training you . . ."

"Well, you don't have your powers." Death commented. "However, I'm sure that if you, me, and Bruce all put our heads together, or until the next researcher appears, we can think of some way that Bruce and I can neutralize it."

Merlin, Death, and Bruce all started talking about different possibilities. Finally, Arthur who had been watching the temporal rift very, very , *very* carefully, said, "Um, guys? Something's coming out!"

"Oh, never mind," Merlin began, "It's only Arnold -- -- ACK!"

Arnold did indeed appear out of the rift, but this time with wings, a long neck and tail (with a spade tip), and scales. "*hic*," he said, as a tiny wisp of black smoke curled from his nostril.

"Oh gawds!" thought Arthur. "I hope he doesn't -sneeze-!"

Arnold had lost his memory when he was transformed and began chargin an electrical current in his tail. He was about to electrocute the group when his tail inadvertently struck the time rift. The electricity swirled through his body and the time rift we a large woosh and terrible sounds. His body began super heating and our heros ran away in terror. Arnold got so hot that he exploded destroying the time rift with him. Parts of Arnold landed all over bohemia, but he was apparently made mostly of Bob Evans Sausages. One time rift was gone but there was still another in...

Barbados where the police were having problems because all of their cells were full of inflatable sheep being held for drugs related offences. This meant that they could not deal with the spate of liver related crime being committed by gams of torquoise weasels. The time rift reached out and gently plopped our heroic foursome on the beach in Barbados leaving Bruce in Bohemia amongst heaps of (who is Bob Evans anyway??) breakfast sausage. "Oh no" said Merlin "here we are again. We have to get this lot sorted out. I have to get Arthur back to fulfil his destiny before more time rifts appear". Arthur looked along the beach an saw...

.. A fully-recovered Arnold, wings and all, racing towards him.

"I'm sorry about that last bit," said Arthur.

"Hrm?" said Arnold. "Oh! That.. it wasn't your fault. So can we play now?"

"Not now, Arnold," said Arthur, while trying to remember if the T-Rex had ever actually told them his name. "Apparently there's another time rift to destroy. You'd think when the universe was destroyed, the time rifts would have gone with it, but nooooo, they just had to bring me back into existence."

Arthur thought could hear Cion Deline singing 'My Art will go on' backwards in F-minor. In the ocean he saw a gam of cerulean porpoises (yes, porpoises come in gams too!) riding tricycles, which gave him an insanely great idea...

"Listen up, Arnold," he said. "Why don't you just do me a favour? Stay here, will ya, and if any weasles or mice or royal families comes along, don't let them come any further than this line!" He made a line in the sand, and before the Arnold could say "cake", Arthur was gone to find the rest of the gang to tell them about his plan.

"OK, " he said once he had found them, "these rift things started happening when researchers wanted to ignore previous postings and make the plot follow their own ideas. This has almost stopped, but we still have this one rift left. My idea to get rid of this one is this: we all go on strike until the researchers close the rift. We refuse to teleport anywhere, or talk to any old characters or any of those old things they dream up. What do you think?"

The others discussed the idea among themselves and finally announce to Arthur: "OK, we'll do it."

All of the characters sat down and looked out of the screen...

...but the researchers do not like to have their authority questioned. And a fiendish one made some threats. When teh trio did nothing he created unspeakable horrors around them with his keyboard. And he tortured each and allowed weasels and porpoises to laugh at the trio. The trio surrendered and they all had scars and horrible memories from the ordeal. The researcher agreed to heal their scars and their physche if they just did as they were told. They agreed and knew not to cross that researcher since he must have real problems. So they decided to think up a new plan involving...

yellow plastic bags, icosidodecahedrons, the atmosphere of Mars and telephones.

Icosidodecahedrons and the atmosphere of Mars were things they could easily attain and harness. But they all wondered where they could possibly get yellow plastic bags and telephones. The trio divided up to search town for these desperately needed supplies.