h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As the group searched for the missing Arthur in various sand dunes around the remains of the Sphynx, none of them noticed the tiny black mouse with miniature dragonwings hiding behind a large concrete toenail waving arms about, nor that pieces of the Sphynx were floating through the air and settling back into place...

(Congrats! you win, it was the Simpsons I stole that from, you win, umm LOOK OVER THERE!)
They probably didn't notice it because the mouse was very anonymous (and no I won't use the pun, anonymouse).
The group then noticed a rather large...

... chunk of a pyramid floating above their heads. In fact, it was the top three layers, and it was coming down fast.

"DUCK!" yelled Death.

"That's not a duck," corrected Merlin, "It's a --" *Splat!*

Merlin crawled out from under the pyramid top, put his thumb in his mouth and blew, re-inflating himself to 3D. "Drat! I hate it when that happens."

(Well, *WHAT* exactly do I win for knowing that it was the Simpsons?)

The little anonymous mouse with wings decided to have more fun. It began spinning its arms around, and a few tons of sand vanished only to reveal several hungry looking mummies.

Meanwhile, a researcher passed by, happy that she had finally caught up with all the things that had happened while she was away on a short holiday.

(You win self satisfaction, and if you think that is not a good prize that you can just cram it with rasberries, kidding)
Anyway the mummies advanced on our heroes and quickly asked how Merlin (having no magical powers) could have survived being crushed. The group was still terrified so the mummies asked where the local convenience store was. The group continued to look terrified so the mummies asked a local Egyptian and once there they bought a map. Then they went to the local college and got very well paid teaching positions (if such jobs exist).

FX: Bizzare noise approximately midway between a cheap sci-fi laser blast, a cow mooing, and fingernails on a chalkboard.

Merlin commented: "Did you all hear that Bizzare noise approximately midway between a cheap sci-fi laser blast, a cow mooing, and fingernails on a chalkboard?"

Lucy responded: "Why yes, I did hear that Bizzare noise approximately midway between a cheap sci-fi laser blast, a cow mooing, and fingernails on a chalkboard. Did you Death?"

Death replied: "Hmmm? I don't know. It sounded more like A cow mooing as part of a Bizzare noise approximately midway between a cheap sci-fi laser blast and fingernails on a chalkboard."
Lucy kneed Death in the groin.

"And oh yeah," continued Death, "Merlin didn't die because I'm on holiday/strike, of course."

Merlin got out a large scrap from the Spynx, picked up a piece of incenterated tree ("Now where did this come from?" he mumbled. "Oh well, handier things have happened in movies.") and began sketching out a diagram (stick finger drawings) to illustrate Death's explanation.

Meanwhile, over in China, a new organization had started. The fact that Death was on Holiday had caused some problems over there.. as the population just continued and continued to grow. So "LGROATESWCGMS" had started too look for a solution.
" This is not making sence, gentlemen! Plenty of people who were supposed to die, are still here, occupating our valuable hospitals and time! We have to find the guy resonsible for this!" the leader claimed. "Or we have to take action ourselves!" Smiling evilly (can you say that??) he looked over the crowd. The LGROATESWCGMS ("Let's Get Rid Of All The Elderly So We CAn Get More Space") members stared astonished at him.

*He began to outline his PTAIASSTM plan (Put Them All In A Space Ship To Mars). Several people fell asleep and were quietly put into a large spaceship, with a whole bunch of old people.*

*Meanwhile, back in Egypt, Arthur was stumbling around the pyramids when he caught sight of something amazing. It was a mummie spitting out pentium chips and talking to a group of various animals. He shook his head, but they were still there. He wondered to himself what the chances were that two sets of characters would end up in the same place at the same time. Then he thought about the researchers and nodded as if it was inevitable. He walked over to the group.*

"Hi, how's your story going. Ours seems to go on forever, zig zagging all over the place. It's an interesting life, though."

The mummy replied "Argghhh." Arthur did not speak mummy, so this was a less than revealing answer. The mummy didn't speak mummy either, its speech centers having been removed through its nose with the rest of its brain before the mummification process.

The mummy did, however, speak pig-latin. IT didn't know that however, thanks to our as yet unnamed mouse (I'd do it, but I'm not the namer of nameless characters).

The Mouse looked at our heroes (not from the froggy story) and began to wonder what he could do next. Then he remembered an old body switching trick and wondered which of our characters he should use it on.

Now the next/present researcher had had quite enough of this mouse. It wasn't anything personal, but he hated having a mere character in the story being capable of possibly equaling his power. So he took his massive writing power and transported the mouse to a mystical arena. He challenged the mouse to a duel.
During the course of the duel: Italy was destroyed, Atlantis was also destroyed(It had just resurfaced), a small bird learned to fly, a cat gained a mastery of the art of the squirt gun and began his plan to unite all feline kind and rebel in a bloody jihad, and finally, several pretzels were oversalted.
As for the victor of the battle, well the over salted pretzels led to a time-warp-vector-sigma-omega-monkey-dox which had caused both the mouse and the researcher to forget the entire fight. The mouse promptly left the story until he/she/it returned 3 posts later.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a gigantic icebear came a long.. and on it's back sat some American cops...
Suddenly Arthur remembered something about an icebear.. and american police men.. and realised that this was just getting to freaky.

So he took a nap, which is the most socially acceptable thing to do when you're not coping. Other options include screaming, throwing a hissy fit, and going on a homicidal rampage. That last is considered particularly rude in most parts of the world.

On the back of the Icebear was the magic, although not yet named, mouse. It was, after all, due to return this post.

The mouse decided to make its presense known, snapped its fingers, and suddenly all of our heroes (in this story), the icebear, and the police were in one spot.

The mouse looked at Merlin. "It's been a long time," it began in a squeaky voice, " . . .

"...you look like you don't recognize me. Come now, just think about it"
Suddenly Merlin yelled out: "MOM!!!!"
The mouse was happy at her son's recognition, but she wasn't sure if the mouse body she was in was a she, because if it wasn't than she might be a combination of a he and a she, she stopped thinking about that and declared herself a she.
Arthur asked what on earth merlin was talking about.
And so Merlin began telling the 3 post long story of how his mother became a mouse...