h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Hi there. I'm that menacing guy that was mentioned a while back. For some odd reason nobody's been utilizing me as a character, so I figured I'd just show up and do something evil to help them flesh out my character." And with that, the menacing guy went and did something so horrible and ghastly that just to read about what it was would make any sane person's head implode in sheer disgust and revulsion. Fortunately, there aren't any sane people posting (myself included), so here's what he did...

after having singing "Follow the yellow brick road" backwards and in e-major, while riding unicycles and juggling rubberchickens made of Bob Evans Breakfast sausage, he

...hastily corrected himself, having realized that it was the unicycles and not the rubber chickens (which were made of, of all things, rubber) that were supposed to be constructed of Bob Evans' breakfast sausage. Then he...

said, "I know how you can get there being only one group of you, how Arthur can give Merlin his powers back, how to play Mau, the Secret Meaning behind "Follow The Yellow Brick Road", and the location of the world's only 29.7.24 inch hot dog! I will divulge this information for (and this is the evil part) your eternal souls!"

Death didn't have an eternal soul that he knew of, and Merlin had become very attached to his. So, after much haggling, the evil guy agreed to tell them a secret for a small ruby that had been in Merlin's shoe for the past eighteen posts.

After the transaction, Evil Guy said, "The secret is: never stiff people like me!" and ran off cackling. He was so happy, he didn't even notice that he ran into a tree.

"Well, what should we do with him now?" Death asked Merlin.

"Well," Merlin said, "we should obviously . . ."

"...devour his internal organs so we can gain his male essence, if he is male that is" But then Merlin realized that saying that phrase had started everything and quickly withdrew his comment. The two Arthurs emerged from the SAT prep & burger shack happily. They had come to terms and were ready to have some fun. Arthur1 said "high-five?" And Arthur 2 screamed "high-five!" They smacked their hands together and instantly the universe exploded from the temporal anomaly (and yes I know Lucy1 bumped into Lucy2 and nothing happened). Luckily that spider God quickly rebuilt it making sure to eliminate the extra group members.

Unfortunately, he got it slightly wrong and got rid of both Lucys but neither Death. So in the group were two Deaths, one Merlin and one Arthur.

The two Deaths ganged up on Bruce, the spider who is a God donchaknow, and killed him for destroying any hope of having a semi-naked woman on the cover of the book of this story. Luckily, their problems were solved when a stranger appeared called...

...Dr. Fixer of story continuity. Through an incredibly elaborate and remarkable course of events, which would overwhelm the Special Effects budget of this story in moments if I went into detail, Lucy was restored and one of the Death's was sent to another universe never to be seen again unless a researcher got bored and mentioned him. The group was so amazed by the incredible affects and drama that had just happened that they forgot to get his card. So he left without solving all their problems. Luckily one of Lucy's problems involving weight was suddenly solved when she was hit by a bus. How was it solved by a bus hitting her while going 50mph, well...

It was a secret known only to her and Merlin (who was always getting hit by buses donchaknow).

Meanwhile, a mauve weasel just happened by, pointing at the sign which read "Gam" and giggling.

Arthur and Merlin looked at each other and shrugged, perfectly willing to let the incident go by unnoticed. Death busily calculated the cost of the cameo, then shrugged his shoulders. "Not nearly as much as the special effects department is over-budget, so why not.."

Lucy, however, became immediately enraged and began shouting obscenities at the weasel. "You ! Where have you been? You , where the is my child support check for this week?"

Overwhelmed by this terrible outburst on Lucy's part (for which Arthur subjected her to one of his best scowls), the weasel began to cry.
"Now look what you've done!" Death exclaimed.
"You shouldn't go around swearing at small mammals," Merlin added. "They bite."
The weasel, through his tears, managed to nod and bare his teeth in a mildly wicked-looking manner.

Lucy looked closely at the weasel and realized that this wasn't HER weasel, so she appologized and petted the little guy on the head and cooed in his ear. After sniffling and snuffling as long as he thought he could get away with it, the weasel stopped and looked up at Lucy with big love-sick eyes. Lucy could never resist a besotted mauve weasel, so she asked the others if Timmy (for that was his name) could come along with them. Merlin, Arthur and Death exchanged glances and said in unison: "NO WAY". Death stared daggers at the weasel and said: "I think you are late for your appointment, aren't you?" The weasel stammered out: "Y-y-y-yes, B-b-b-bye." and ran off. Lucy sighed heavily and said: "Can't a girl have ANY fun?"

With their hunger satisfied, they headed back to the yellow brick road and resumed their journey. They had barely gotten back on the road when they were suddenly pelted with stale marshmallows. They took cover behind a large fallen log and looked around for their adversaries.

Approaching them at an incredible rate was a large machine, not unlike a tank. This machine was firing several mashmallows wherever it went, without seeming to care what it was shooting at.

It stopped (moving not firing) right in front of there hiding place, when who should jump out but Erik Evari! "Hello," he said. "Just thought I'd get another cameo in. I'll leave now. Just ignore that I was here." He promptly left the story.

Suddenly, the *REAL* owner of the marshmallow tank jumped out. To everyone's surprise, it was . . .

A nanomachine colony, which surprised everybody because it was both impossible given current technology and that it hadn't showed up before. "Hi," said the nanomachine colony. "I seem to have somehow been shoved out of my science-fiction novel by a temporal anomoly, and for some reason I'm in a marshmallow-shooting tank. Could you point me towards my storyline please?"

Arthur blinked. "Aren't you supposed to be somewhere on the Enterprise?"

The nanomachine colony replied "NO, and for giving the wrong answer you will all be killed in horrible ways"
They rose up their tiny but deadly machine weapons and all fired at once. But all their lasers and photons struck eachother before hitting the group which opened up a worm hole. The colony was sucked through the worm hole and back in time to the year 93985043.68 BC. From there they evolved over time to form new colonies and new species. But after a huge civil war the onlly one of their descendants left were the Sassy Robots. Who through an odd turn of events now worshipped a sock which they believe to contain the spirit of Mr. Clean.
The group knew nothing of this and just continued on their way down the road until...

they came across Santa Claus, who was busily painting the road a peculiar shade of orange.

"Hi Santa, long time no see!" said Death. "Hey, where's that bicycle you promised me for Christmas? You know you have to give me the presents I want or I might terminate that Santa-living-forever deal."

"Ho-ho-ho" Santa laughed. "Ain't that a funny little fellow!"
Then, with a bit more threatening smile, he leaned towards Death.
"You, my dear friend, seem to have forgotten a very essensial thing! If you let me die, you won't ever have any x-mas gifts again. Replacing Santa is not that easy, you see.. it's actually a very lousy paid job, and hardly anyone believe in my anymore, and.."
"Death! See what you started!" Lucy stared angrily at him.
"I quit!" Santa yelled. "I refuse to be Santa!"
The group looked at eachother.
"Then what are you going to do?" asked Arthur carefully.
"I am going with you!" Santa claimed. "'Cuz you are the one who opened my eyes, and if you don't let me come, I'll turn X-mas into a living nightmare for all the little innocent children on earth."
Death sighed. Lucy sighed. Arthur sighed. Merling sighed. Arnold smiled happily, as he now also had a manic depressed Santa Claus to play with..

Santa patted Arnold's head and handed him a new bicycle. "Here, Arnold. I was just going to deliver this, but now I can't remember the intended recipient."

Death mumbled under his breath and the group trudged on.

Arnold, noticing that he was too big for the bike, gave it to Death, who capered about in a grotesque display of joyfulness. Santa, noticing Deaths happy dance, suddenly remembered that that was why he did the whole Christmas thing and resolved to give it another shot. Greatly cheered, Santa decided that he needed a vacation anyway, and this was a fun group to be with, so he continued along with them.

The group, who were all now quite cheerful, skipped down the road; all except Arnold, who was not allowed to skip. Just like in a musical, they broke into a completely unrelated song:

"We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine ..."

The song was interupted by a band of flying mauve weasels, who picked up Lucy and flew away with her towards a wicked looking castle on top of a mountain.

Death was about to lash out at the weasels with all his powers of death-dealing when Arthur grabbed his arm and made him stop.
"If you kill the weasels, they'll drop her and from that height I don't think she'd survive," he said. Death considered this.
"I suppose so," he finally admitted.
"So what do we do?" Merlin wanted to know. "If you could get me my magical powers back..."
Arthur punched him in the stomach to shut him up, and turned to the others as the wizard doubled up and gasped for air. Arthur opened his mouth to speak, but at that very instant, the air swirled and rippled and bulged, and out of this mysterious vortex came a scroll, on which was written (in beautiful calligraphy, as Arnold pointed out, thus delaying the actual assimilation of the contents of the scroll by several minutes while verybody exchanged comments on how nice the writing was) a message, and the message said...

..."Stop looking at me! I mean it! Why does everybody have to stare at me? What? Do I have something stuck in my teeth? I don't have any teeth! Stop reading this instant! I'll sue you for every penny you're worth! It's harrassment I tell you! Stop staring at me you sadistic bastards! Stop it!"