h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Merlin replied: Well look arthur most magic takes place inside your own head. Just as when you are a child your brain builds path ways and strengthens nerve endings so you can learn new skills. But you are already over the hill and making new pathways will be difficult. I can't just tell you how to think."
Arthur was upset and snapped his fingers. Within moments he had lost half of merlin's original power (it was distributed amongst the people of a small mid-western town who eventually would gain control of the power and develop super skills. In the year 9583456 they will rule the world and recreate it in their own image. but thats not important at all) andthe group had been transported to guam. Before they had a moment to think a deadly snake jumped out at them and...

"Hey, Death! Get to work you lazy schonbleconch." (which is a very, very bad swearword, especially when said sideways) "I have a reputation to uphold, you know. It's tough keeping the title of 'deadly snake' when nothing you attack ever dies. In fact, I think I'll sue you!"

Right on cue, the snake's lawyer, who happened to be a mauve sassy robot with a prosthetic skull, walked up to them. He stared threateningly into Douglas Adams' attorney's eyes, presuming that he was Death's attorney. "So, it looks like we'll be battling each other in court."

Adams' attorney said, "Well, I don't see a court anywhere here. Why don't we just settle this matter with a round of peaknuckle?"

"Okay, fine by me," said the snake's lawyer, flexing his mechanical thumb in preparation for the important legal battle ahead.

...and, just to get his vocal chords warmed up for his war cries, he began to recite the entire works of Shakespeare, starting with the comedy of errors.
Just then Douglas Adams realised that he didn't know what peaknucle was and therefore was destined to loose.
So he thought fast and dissapeared through a trans-dimentional rift in the time/space continuom (continuim? continnuem? cont-in-you-em?)
"How very clever of him," thought the snakes lawyer,"but what he doesn't realise is that I had of course accounted for this possiblity an therefore have a plan of my own.
My plan is...

to play peanuckle (which I think is also called thumb wrestling) with Douglas Adams' lawyer, not DNA himself... after all, it's Death who I have an issue with and I mistakenly thought that Adams' attorney was also Death's. Never mind the fact that several posts ago, both the attorney and an unfortunate American (both of which had been turned into sassy robots, I can't remember how) were killed by Death. After all some other researchers already mentioned them since then so I guess they're running on their reserve breakfast-sausage-powered batteries. And if you think this is confusing, then you mustn't have read the whole story because if you had you'd be used to it."

Now all that thinking had made the snake's lawyer tired so he decided to just play paper-scissors-rock with Douglas Adam's lawyer instead because it was quicker.

Meanwhile, the sinister guy (from way back somewhere) stared at them from a small group of trees, and just when DNa's lawyer were about to win, Arnold ran him down, with a bushbaby on his back.
"Can we play now, Arthur?`" he asked, as he remembered that way back on the beach in somewhere.. Arthur had promised to play with him later.
"Arrrrrggggggggh," moaned the lawyer of pain, as Arnold still where standing on him..

Arthur laughed, and gave Arnold a good skritching back beween the wings. "Yes, Arnold, we can play now. How about we play 'Fly me to the Moon' and you can be the flyer?"

"Oh! I'd like that!" Arnold said excitedly, as he began to wriggle from nosetip to tailtip.

Arthur and the gang climbed abord and Arnold lept for the stars (all that fighting with lawyers and stuff had used up a whole day).

"Arnold - get off that lawyer immediately - you'll get your feet dirty" said Arthur. Just then the bushbaby on Arnolds back said "gushnarga, gushnarga variol, spalinga utu utu". Merlin stared at the bushbaby in horror as it turned into a pool of Bob Evans sausage gravy. "Oh no" said Merlin, ",that was....

Oops - sorry!

... the "complete the thought" spell. And they were all transported back to the yellow brick road. All except for the lawyer robot, who was suing himself for breach of contract with Death. The bushbaby and tree, had since regenerated and waved to the group as they carried on down the road. They were making quick progress on this part of the road and caught up with another group of travellers: a little girl, a lion, a tin man, a scarecrow and a familiar looking man. When the familiar looking man turned around, Arthur cried out: "Tallulah! Where have you been?"

tallulah quickly disappeared from the story along with everyone else because the last couple posts were so odd that no one knew what was going on. Luckily the researcher decided to fix a few problems. For starters Adam's lawyer had been rebuilt, and yes the civil court lawyer industry is dominated by sassy robots. But oddly most are named Carl. Through shear might the group (arthur, lucy, merlin, death, and arnold) were kept on the yellow brick road which had changed color shemes and was briefly upside down while the researcher tried to fix the story. But he gave up and just let the group sit in a field of missing left socks next to the road until the next researcher decided to...

make them all sing "draziw eht ees ot ffo er'ew" until they pleaded for mercy and promised to make the plot as understandable as the next researcher would allow because if they were good they'd all get fishies.

So they walked down the road and Death remarked "If I weren't an unsubstantiated manefistation of mankind's need for answers to death and his place in the universe then I would probably be hungry" The group decided to guess what he meant and agreed. Luckily there was a green off-ramp (I know that the yellow brick road isn't a free way but this sounds good). They left the road that way and soon arrived at "Ed's Burger & SAT prep course shack" The group went in and...

and got really surprised, as they saw themselves sitting aroung a triangle-shaped table eating burgers.

They ordered their own burgers and quiz sheets and sat down at a rhomboid shaped table. Death2, sitting at the triangular table looked up in exasperation from his quiz sheet and said: "I'll never learn all this stuff". He looked around the room and noticed the group at the rhomboid table. "Hey", he said to his table companions, "there is another group of us over there, at the parallellogram table". "That's a rhomboid table, Death", said Lucy2. Death2 just glared at her.

Meanwhile, at the rhomboid table, Death1 was puzzling over the first problem on his quiz sheet, while the others were discussing what to do about the second group of them. "I've heard of divide and conquer, but this is ridiculous", said Arthur1, who was feeling almost beside himself with worry. "Never mind", said Lucy, "this situation will take a few posts to exhaust it's narative potential, then I'm sure it will be resolved.

Death2 at the triangular table grinned and waved at Lucy1 at the rhomboid table.

In his head death2 remarked, I never realized how much weight Lucy1 and Lucy2 had put on. He quickly took lucy2's french fries away so she couldn't put on more weight. But she complained and mention that every since she started feeling nauseas in the morning she had had strange food cravings. The group looked at her amazed that she hadn't realized that she was...

coming down with the flu. She hadn't had time to recouperate from the baby weasel she'd had some chapters back, and she hadn't had s-e-x in so long that she was nearly sure she'd forgotten how.

Suddenly Lucys simultaneously posted.. erm.. said, "Ugh.. I'm not hungry," then got up and ran towards the unisex, bumping into each other just as they tried to enter. "Oh my," they said...

"...my what a fat ass you have, I mean i have" With that Lucy1 & 2 ran out of the SAT prep & burger shack to buy treadmills. Death, Arthur, and Merlin got down to a guys night out. They started by...

fighting over which Arthur would have the thinnest Lucy, and then they...

*blinked* as Death and Merlin threw up their hands in disgust and stormed out the door.

Once out in the cool night air, Death leaned his scythe against the wall (careful of course to make sure that the blade didn't slice through the brickwork) and watched Merlin, who was standing next to a rather nice-looking Porsche which was in the car park (even though nobody had been seen who looked like they might own a Porsche) and making odd hand movements. As the wind changed, Death could hear him muttering to himself.
"What are you doing?" he asked the wizard. Merlin looked round and scowled at Death for distracting him.
"I'm trying to work out why this Porsche is here," he said. "Did you see anybody in there who might own a Porsche?"
"No," Death had to admit.
"So why is it parked in this parking lot?"
Death couldn't think of an answer to that. Merlin returned to his muttering, and Death was almost on the verge of counting stars to pass the time when a dark shape strode out of the shadows and said...