h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I always liked
"It,s not what you know,
It,s not who you know,
It,s what you know about who you know"

I wish I could add something worthwhile, but that quote is undoubtledly the best thing I've read all week.

I hate living in a world without John Peel!

My second favourite: "That's the best record I've heard since... tea-time. Mind you, I had a late tea."

"I think Gimli said it to Legolas when Legolas kiled the Mumakil (Elephant) in Pellenor Fields."

Red Dwarf:
Kryten: Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!
Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back.

Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Kryten: Mr Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous disorder.
Lister: Next time I see him, he'll be suffering from a fist-related teeth disorder.

<>

Brilliant!

From Dr Who: Earthshock (In the 1980s, but we saw it on DVD just now)
Tegan: "Oh, I am just a mouth on legs!"

Not a great fan of 'Open all hours', but this moment made me chuckle.

Arkwright: That white bread is bleached you know. So white it hurts your eye..B...B...B...B...

Granville : I like it.

Arkwright: B..B..Balls......... Will you let me finish!!!!

Only Fools and Horses:

Del: I thought you said this place was open 24 hours a day.
Trigger: Yeah I know, but not at night.

Mike: (insulting Trigger) He still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.

(discusing art)
Del: Yeah, I'm a real Renassiance man myself.
Rodney: Yeah, last Tuesday down at the Pie and Eel shop, Del shook the art world to it's very foundations by stating, quite clearly, that Michaelangilo was a wally-brain.
Del: well, he was a wally-brain. It took him twelve years to paint one ceiling.

I'm sure I'm not exactly correct with this (wait for the corrections!), but you'll get the drift:
More Red Dwarf -

Kryten: "A brilliant plan, with just two flaws:
1) We don't have any defensive shields, and
2) We don't have any defensive shields. You may notice those are technically the same point, but it's such a *major* point I felt it worth mentioning twice!"

(And yes, I know it's slightly more than one line, but the thread seems to be fraying nicely at the edges - with some very funny results!)

Kids time!

Dangermouse: Right Penfold we must act quickly.
Penfold: (all in one breath) Tobeornottobethatisthequestion.

Ah, we miss you, White Wonder.

From Dennis the Menace

Mad Scientist: Eureka! Eureka!

Dennis: What have you discovered?

Mad Scientist: Nothing, I'm calling my cat. Eureka!


Cracks me up every time! (Ok, so they're not one-liners)

Father Ted:

Ted: This compitition... is a sham! And a fraud! And a... sham.

Mr Fox: You better get going actually, milk goes sour you know, unless it's UHT milk. But there's no demand for that stuff because it's .

Dougal: God Ted I've heard of these cults. Everyone dressing in black saying their Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
Ted: No Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism your talking about.

Ted: These are small. Those are far away

Dougal : What time is it?
Ted: Six
Dougal : O'Clock?

And of course -

Ted: For the last time, that money was just resting in my account.

"I want to live for ever or die trying"
"The fire was stupid putting Villa on guard was suicidle whats wrong staying alive getting to difficult for you"
"I always say you can never trust a man who keeps his booze under lock and key"
"Tarrants idea of Diplomacy is breaking someones leg then saying lean on me"

All of course from Blake's 7

You've just reminded me of this one:

"I wanna live 'til I die. No more, no less."

Well, if you're gonna have them, you've got to have the immortal line from Shir Shean - "Do you want to live forever?"

From "Funny Bones":

Nicky: Have you lived in Blackpool all your life?
Jack Parker: Not yet.

"Shall we go to red alert sir?"
"Yes."
"It does mean changing the bulb."

Boys from the Dwarf....

SoRB

Welcome back SoRB, the master of disaster and the saint of sarcasm.

Holly, after being insulted about his intelligence.

"6? Do me a lemon. That's a small IQ for a glass of water."

Rimmer: "Holly, you're about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican."

Lister: "Hey guys, look at my body."
Cat: "Now that is one invitaion that will NOT cause a stampede."